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“Thank You USA”: Our New National Anthem

The Snark Generation was built on unintentional comedy — things clearly meant to be taken seriously, but executed so poorly that we have no choice but to laugh at it and point out every single flaw in its design.

The problem today is that people are far too self-aware. Most people know by now when something is bad, and how to make it not bad. Or, they make it bad intentionally, as a way to sucker in the Snarks and use them as free publicity. Do you really think Sharknado would’ve succeeded had wannabe Nostalgia Critics not tirelessly spread the word around by riffing on shitty scenes the director absolutely wanted them to riff on?

So when something like “Thank You USA,” the magnum opus of Kosovan barely-singer/even-less-of-a-songwriter Armend Miftari, comes along, I shriek with joy. Unintentional comedy lives!

“Thank You USA” is an adorably sincere love letter to the Amber Waves of Grain, thanking them for aiding Kosovo back in the Clinton years. Why it took him this long to get around to thanking him, who knows. I prefer to think he’s this slow with everything though.

“Dearest Grandma, thank you for the rubber ducky you got me for Christmas when I was 2. I’m fairly certain I had tons of fun making it quack.”

The song itself is pure cheese, sung in English by a guy who speaks broken English at absolute best. The lyrics are displayed at the bottom karaoke-style, just in case you actually want to sing along. And sadly, you will — this is a perversely catchy earworm, even more lethal than the one Khan used to kill off his enemies in Star Trek. Naturally, his keyboard sounds like a My First Casio nicked from his local preschool. The guitar parts come courtesy of somebody else, a guy who actually has talent and probably didn’t know what the lyrics meant. Lucky fuck.

Miftari’s politics are ripped straight from a second-grade Social Studies textbook. He considers the USA his “best friend,” which bumps his own country down to at least second place. That must sting any Kosovan who actually bothers to listen. Lady Liberty is also a “peacekeeper” and a “legend,” which is probably big news to people living in the many parts of the world where peace lasts for maybe 30 seconds before another round of bombs go off.

The video drowns itself in love for all things Clinton, so much so that I’m shocked Verse 3 wasn’t “You bang many chicks / I am so jealous / You penis must be huge / And you use it well.” When we’re not seeing Clinton, we’re seeing generic shots of the US military. Tanks stroll down the street, planes dock at a Navy ship while awaiting orders, soldiers march, and genocide is effortlessly stoped.

Not a typo. Well, not mine anyway.

Then, for no good reason, he reminds the USA of what they did, just in case they forgot, being so busy preserving humanity and all:

In 1999 / Helping in Kosova / Two men shaking hands / Clinton and Rugova.

Kosovan handshakes sure are different. As is this guy’s definition of “peace.”

Nothing in the video, or the remaining verses, even remotely suggests this guy is a master satirist. He is super cereal about his belief that the USA is a peacekeeping legend not just in Kosovo, but in the entire Universe:

In so many countries / you are keeping peace / you are the life saver/ you are the pain release

The United States of Heroin

It’s a three-minute song with about 45 seconds worth of things to say. He COULD talk about more, but then his best friend might look bad. So instead, let’s just repeat the chorus again, but this time do so while shaking a soldier’s hand.

“It was either clean the latrines, or humor this wacko. I chose poorly.”

The video ends with Miftari strolling off into the distance, where he stepped on a 15-year-old landmine and was immediately blown to bits, probably.

“Hooray, he’s gone forever! Peace at last!”

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