For years I’ve been telling people that my diet is legit and is 100% focused on cutting out any unhealthy foods. Yet, for some reason, when I tell people that I eat three square meals of triangular pizza slices every day, they scoff and cast my opinion aside, as if I were some raving lunatic.
But thanks to the tireless hard work of you, our United States Congress, my diet, and really, my entire lifestyle, has been reaffirmed. Congress, thank you for continuing to classify pizza as a vegetable simply because it’s got some tomatoes in it. Your usage of logic and common sense in this situation is astounding and rare this day and age, and that is why your approval rating (currently at 9%) is actually lower than that of porn (30%), polygamy (11%), the prospect of the United States becoming a full-on communist state (11%), the BP oil spill (16%), The big banks (23%), and Nixon’s approval rating in the midst of the Watergate scandal (also 23%). And I don’t mean that in a negative way. I think this is simply a case of your genius, your intellect, being so vastly superior to 91% of the dolts currently inhabiting this once great land that said dolts feel inferior to you, and therefore hate you because you’re so smart and you make so many great decisions.
It is because of this recognition of pizza as a vegetable that I have further expanded upon the line of logic you heroes have started. For example, Skittles contain 228% of the recommended daily allotment of vitamin-C. Therefore, I have now officially classified Skittles as a health supplement. I take one bag after breakfast and one before bed to ward off any illnesses. Similarly, I have declassified wicker furniture as “patio furniture” and have officially re-classified it as “bulk-forming fiber supplements”. I usually wolf down an ottoman with my morning coffee, and less than an hour later, WATCH OUT! My stool is like a bullet train through a ducks ass! Speaking of stools, wicker stools are excellent bowel rattlers as well.
Other foods and/or objects that I have re-classified and have recently added in to my daily healthy diet include:
Twinkies – Because they contain Partially Hydrogenated Vegetable and/or Animal Shortening. (Vegetable and Animal are right in the name! That’s two healthy things in one delicious thing!).
Socks – Because when human feet are in them I officially classify them as a meat.
Hammers – Because we all need iron in our diets. And because wood comes from trees, trees are plants, vegetables are plants, and vegetables are healthy food.
So, again, thank you, Congress, for shutting up all the naysayers. Tonight as I eat my pizza slathered in tomato sauce and topped with diced wicker chair arm rests and someone’s foot in a sock, I will symbolically thank each and every one of you that supported the Pizza Is A Vegetable movement with every bite I take.