We all have an idea of what the most beautiful man or woman in the world would look like. For example, my perfect female looks like a combination of Anne Hathaway and an X-Box. Yours might be some other combination of famous people and/or video game consoles. Maybe you’re more of a Meryl Streep/Commodore 64 kind of person.
It may be 2012, but gene splicing and cloning aren’t really as popular as science fiction led us to believe they would be by now, so we can’t all agree which female celebrities are the most beautiful and then combine their DNA to create a single super-beauty that, while gorgeous, has all manner of genetic deficiencies and likes to kill but is deathly allergic to poly-blends. So, all we can do until we can make mutant freaks in a lab is take a lot of polls and use photoshop to create the perfect fake person to masturbate to.
And that’s exactly what someone did.
According to this Daily Mail article, a poll was conducted to find out which female Hollywood stars were the most beautiful. After that, someone took it upon themselves to create a composite of the woman named in the poll to create what could conceivably be called “the most beautiful woman in the world.”
The result is…weird. A bit alien. A bit cold and distant. Pretty, but inhuman, somehow.
As you can see, this “ideal woman,” let’s call her Chudsy, is a composite of Kate Middelton, someone named Cheryl Cole, Keria Knightley, Gwyneth Paltrow, Megan Fox, Kate Beckinsale, Angelina Jolie, and someone named Kelly Brook. All of the women are attractive in their own right, but when combined they create a Voltron of cold bitchitude. I don’t mean to be offensive by saying that, but just look at Chudsy’s eyes. Look at that stern glare. Chudsy has the stare and angular features of a super villain, or the cold, murderous femme fatal that hangs around with the super villain. You get the sense from that one picture that Chudsy would be the nightmare of any employee of a 5-star hotel, as she would demand that no one make eye contact with her lest they enjoy having phones and Gideon Bibles thrown at their heads.
Chudsy also looks like the type that would be less famous for her work and more famous for her uncanny ability to have sex with any kind of billionaire – oil, tech industry, Hollywood studio head, media mogul. She doesn’t care who’s plowing her, just as long as their yearly income goes back enough decimal places to stretch the total number beyond the length of their own penis when measured side-by-side.
Chudsy, I wish you were real, because 1) the world can always use another disaster of a human to make the rest of us feel better, and 2) it helps when that disaster is good looking. It makes being a disaster so much more glamorous.