So Thanksgiving is here and you don’t want to cook a turkey. Do you have a turkey? Well hey, maybe you should also go get some sweet and sour tongue and maybe cabbage soup because your dinner is already shit on a plate, no need to put in any more effort or anything is there, Chef Boyardee?
Turkey is yesterday’s news. In the words of Fergie from the Black Eyed Peas “I just pissed myself on stage.” No wait. Shit. I messed that one up because your stubborn attachment to a game bird from a thousand years ago is ruining my brain.
If you want to have a Thanksgiving that will make friends and family say “dag yo! That was a bomb diggity feast!” (or some more current slang filled joyous expression) instead of going home saying “Jam your finger down my throat this instant Carl! I need to vomit up that swill before I digest it any further!” then you need to follow our savory advice for what to cook to make your Thanksgiving the shiznit.
True Love Roast
I wrote about this bad boy last year around Thanksgiving and it was such a winner I had to bring it back because of the sheer amount of carnage involved. It’s a roast made from the remains of 12 different birds. It’s like turducken for sociopaths. It has guinea fowl in it. Do you have any idea what a guinea fowl even looks like or where you’d find one? Don’t say Papua New Guinea, you’ve never been there and neither has anyone else. Guinea Fowl is the Food Network term for pigeon and/or whatever bird bounced off your window.
Anyway, the True Love roast is destined to impress any guest because it’s all the meat ever. It looks at our winged friends and says “no more” and tears from the skies 12 kinds of birds for your eating enjoyment. The downside is the completely lame as shit name but if you haven’t noticed, 9 chefs out of 10 can’t name a food to save their lives. They excel in cooking, not thinking. For instance, Guy Fieri’s new restaurant serves something called donkey sauce. I guess because a PR person told guy that Goat Spooge and Bull Semen were just unappetizing names and that was their compromise.
I thought I made this thing up because I’m pretty creative and cutting edge but Google tells me some other jack hole made it up previously, but when they made it up they made it suck. I don’t wanna say it sucks but I just did in the previous sentence. And also, maybe it doesn’t suck, except for how it does. The recipe I saw included covering a tortilla in mashed butternut squash then layering on some turkey and cheese and I guess self loathing and laziness because that was it. Then you sit on the toilet, naked in the dark, and you eat it while humming a sad song because you clearly have nothing left to lose in life you sorry, sad sack son of a bitch.
In real life, you’re going to want to max this bitch to the max. Make it a taste uppercut. Taco is in the name of this friggin website so don’t you half ass your Thanksgiving Taco or you’re basically saying you think I’m your bitch and you want me to dress like a maid with my fanny out and clean your house and we do not have that kind of deal between us just now, Spanky. Not by a long shot.
First and foremost you need a healthy portion of sausage stuffing in your taco, and maybe a whack of German mashed potato in there. Then some spiced turkey meat, go on and Old El Paso it up, we ain’t going to tell anyone, a dash of sour cream and some salsa and bang! You just made a taco that any displaced and half-genocided culture would enjoy around a mouthful of small pox.
The Booze of Old
Food is pretty overrated for some folks, so why not just make Thanksgiving about getting wasted in a semi-traditional way that has Thanksgiving as a theme? How do you do that? Oh man, glad you asked!
Back in the day, the Iroquois fermented maple sap because if sugar water comes out of a tree, you better make that shit boozy. The resulting maple wine was apparently mildly alcoholic and probably gave terrible hangovers. Try making your own today!
If maple wine isn’t up your alley, beer from the early 1600s was a fairly popular drink, though it was a cloudy, mealy mess of a thing and didn’t necessarily include hops. You could look up how to make it yourself or just go buy the thickest beer you can find right now. Maybe just some Guinness, it’s pretty popular. The chewier the better is what your ancestors probably said. But they may have said it in zany Old English which probably just sounded like drunken Welsh, which is also known as complete gibberish. Have you heard the Welsh speak? My God, it’s like a never-ending auditory prank.
Wine was also popular back in the day and, bonus for you, it was lazy as shit wine. Any grapes would do, just ferment that shit like a prisoner making pruno and drink away.