We get a lot of Emails from our bosses and various employees at Break Media filled with links and suggestions for things we should write about – maybe a weird news story or a strange website. Normally the links we’re sent aren’t worthy of a write up. Sure, it’s funny, I guess, but neither I nor any other HT writer actually wants to devote time to the topic and type words about it.
And then we were sent an Email containing a link to a website where you can rate pictures of sexy people based on whether or not you have masturbated to them. And it’s not just celebrities, it’s everyone. You. Me. Your neighbor. That hot girl in your office. That guy that finger blasted you in high school. It’s basically a social networking site for masturbation, and it’s called ThankYourWank.com.
Thank Your Wank’s “About” section reads:
Find out how many people WANKED TO YOU
Thank those you wanked to by adding to their wank-bank balance
Get INSTANT ALERTS for mutual wanks
Create a list of your favorite wanks (may also be used as a TO-“DO” list)
See the MOST WANKED TO people on earth!
This reads like the cover-letter in the package a bank would give you after you open a new checking account; just the person that typed the letter has a crush on you and can only make you aware of that crush by referencing masturbation 6 times in a paragraph with only 48 words in it.
The To-Do List is the most intriguing feature. If you’re a modern, upwardly mobile masturbator on the go who likes some variation in their masturbatory aides yet finds it difficult to keep track of all of the pictures you want to crank it to after they get lost in the shuffle of work documents, stock projections and photos printed off of your Facebook friend’s list, then the To-Do list will keep track of all of the men and/or women you have already cranked it to while cataloging all of those that have you haven’t yet had the pleasure of pleasuring yourself to. It’s about time that someone in this modern, high-tech age turned masturbation in to yet another pending item to check out, like those little red squares on our Facebook feeds that notify us of new messages, or those annoying tiny icons on our phones that let us know we have a new text. Soon, no doubt, there will be an iPhone app that constantly and silently torments you, always letting you know that there are 87 people you have yet to jack off to. And, much like all of forms of social media – or even all media in general – you’ll power jack your way through your list just to get that number back down to zero. You won’t even enjoy the ensuing orgasm. The real pleasure will come from whittling down the list of un-jacked-to pictures down to nothing.
You can login to the site by linking it to your Facebook profile. Luckily for you, nothing from Thank Your Wank shows up in your public feed. (I think, we haven’t tested it). There would be no finer way to identify yourself as a digital pervert than by having a picture of one of your female friends pop-up on your profile, announcing to everyone that A) You just came, and B) you just came while looking at this specific person that lots of your friends and acquaintances might know.