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‘That Can Be My Next Tweet’ Tweets For You, You Lazy Bastards

Tweeting is hard, you guys. So very hard. I mean, to deliver unto you nothing but the finest one-liners (all of which you can find @holytaco) we have to labor for, literally, seconds as we think up bullshit that makes us laugh. And then, on top of that, we have to hit the “send” button. Christ, do you people realize how much work we put in to typing thoughts that are less than 140 characters, just to make you smile when you’re dropping a deuce? Probably more work than you deserve.

We’re just so tired of the slog. Thankfully, there’s a website that makes tweeting as easy as typing a short thing and hitting a button. It’s called That Can Be My Next Tweet, and it’s all the rage with the kids. I assume. In truth, I lied about that. I have no idea what kids are raging about nowadays. Rabies, maybe? I don’t know.

After you enter your twitter handle, That Can Be My Next Tweet analyzes your entire back-catalog of tweets and offers up a prediction of what your next tweet will be. Seeing as we’re getting too old for this Twitter shit, we’re going to test out That Can Be My Tweet here on the main page so we can devote more hours to generally doing nothing with our lives.

Let’s conjure up some tweets with the power of aggregation-based predictive texting!

“Is Rose won’t be a fatwa against clothed boobs.”

“If you Video killed the need to lick all say you’re the idea how many bees will I hallucinate Jamie Lee.”

“Adam Savage? If your eyes open since ’92 I hallucinate Jamie Lee Curtis every time I like he’d kill and!”

“Nothing I used to assume you’re a Nickeback album. I have sex with arthritis not be at a jug salesman.”

“Find out the contestants and hump it. Because they better than every other trend on my couch since the!”

“You never see?”

“Good news if you’re a corner I heard Tupac’s hologram got into that Santorum is code for you feel the!”

“I JUST TOLD YOU TO NEVER PUT ON AGAIN likely, yes you had to knife me they will fly into that Game of?”

“Me? There’s a public toilet seat in it, it’s awesome You know only people fighting with little room for a.”

“For a gif of your nerves?”

“About to be replaced with his wife having not a faucet and do anything. Every time I used to knife me no.”

“You should follow me a Hot Wheels race track continue living i also enjoy zombies.”

“Let’s do you follow me they chose vodka during pregnancy let’s do such things you and other trend on?”

“I hear a boner up to buy it a salad and all morning comforting people can buy – does anyone own the songs.”

“Josh Brolin looks you know…I can we make us laugh Alan Thicke will I command it in the need to see.”

“I have sex with your hands Good news he prayed to turn out of the movie equivalent of hand sanitizer in?”

“The Jetsons were morons.”

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