It’s the 11th day of Christmas and we’re celebrating by counting down some holiday cheer. Which is to say porn. Yay!
#1 Merry F*cking Christmas
This is actually the best of Merry F*cking Christmas, so there’s apparently a series of these, but this one is just the highlights. Without seeing the film, it seems easy to conclude is a heart warming Holiday tale of three young ladies, two of whom are eating a taco off of the third’s heinie.
#2 Frosty the Snow Ho
This movie promises to defrost your carrot, which is porn euphemism for giving you a boner. And really, that’s pretty much all porn needs to do to consider itself successful. As you can see from the cover art, there’s some Russian ladies who have misplaced their clothes and presumably, at some point, they hump a snowman.
#3 – Tranny Claus
Remember how, as a kid, mom and dad would hang the stockings on Christmas Eve, and you’d have some cookies and egg nog, and open that one early present and then just before bed, when you were in your footie pajamas and the tree was all lit up, you’d break out the trannies? No. Well, time to start a new Christmas tradition. Incidentally, you don’t want the resolution on that pic high enough to read what that midget in the top right is thinking.
#4 – Miracle on 69th Street
Man, doesn’t this look classy? Like almost? Sorta? So there’s a chick with a bad dye job jamming a boob in Santa’s face, but for porn, this is really top shelf stuff. Someone put some heart and soul into this. It’s trailer heart and soul, but it still counts. And the star’s name is Victoria Paris. Almost makes you want to hump in a dumpster full of caviar
#5 – Naughty or Nice She’s Getting’ It Twice
It’s nice to see such giving sentiment in the world of porno. We’re forgiving people’s actions here and, in fact, sharing the bounty rather than restraining it. So who cares if she’s naughty, Santa can shtoop her a second time before heading to the VD clinic. Awesome.
#6 – Here Cumz Santa
Porn and pun titles go together like watching porn and a feeling of mild shame. They clearly didn’t have a lot going for this title, you may not even notice the girl is actually sitting on a dude who we can assume is wearing a Santa costume, or just some red long johns, so they went with the first sex and Christmas related pun they could think up. Title option #2: Deck My Balls.
#7 – A Very Creamy Christmas
This is hat happens when no pun comes to mind. They could have made this fetish porn and called it a Very Hairy Christmas, a Very Cherry Christmas or they could have cast Hall fo Famer Larry Csonka and made it a Very Larry Christmas. Instead they opted for Creamy, one of those erotic fence-sitter words that border sexy and off-putting at all times, especially if you ponder it too much.
#8 – Ho Ho Ho
This is almost too clever for its own good. There’s no way the movie contained within can live up to the hilarious word play of the title. Judging from the box art, we can assume this is about a poor naked girl caught out in cartoon snow with nothing but a taco to wear. But she seems pretty happy with the situation anyway. Possibly because she’s a ho3.
#9 – The Bitch That Stole Christmas
The box for this promises not only girl on girl but some hot elf action and there does seem to be a midget present. Take this opportunity to sympathize with little people in the entertainment industry, from the days of Munchkins over in Oz through Willow, Leprechaun, Troll and countless other films that insist on portraying little people as magical folks. And then look at this porno in which the same thing is happening. Dammit, Hollywood, let little people hump as humans!
#10 – The T*ts That Saved XXX-Mas
This appears to be about boobies. Holiday boobies.
#11 – I Saw Mommy Eating Santa Claus part 2
The first installment was such a hit they had to bring it back for a sequel. As we can see, Santa seems to be plowing one Mrs. Claus while another looks on, holding a taco to her chest and a smaller one taped to her groin. Does this mean Santa is a polygamist? Hard to say from the limited information, but it seems like one of these ladies kills and devours the body at some point. Not necessarily erotic, but it is what it is.