No animal is more synonymous with Christmas than the majestic reindeer. After all, the arctic beast is just as responsible for delivering toys to all the good girls and boys as old Saint Nick himself. In fact, if not for the reindeer, Santa would just be a crazy old man living in a secluded location, not unlike the Unabomber.
Most people know at least some of their names (Dasher, Dancer, Prancer), and everyone knows Rudolph. But what most people don’t know is that the last of Santa’s famed flying reindeer died in 2003. However, the deaths were hushed up so as not to traumatize children or, more importantly, diminish their marketing potential.
In honor of their passing, and the 9th day of Christmas, we give you nine rotting reindeer. Rest in peace, boys…and in pieces.
Dasher took all of the money earned from TV commercials and song royalties and invested heavily in Enron stock. After the company went belly up in 2001, his wife, former swimsuit model Kathy Ireland, left him. Sadly, he took his own life just days later via a shotgun to the head.
It seems Dancer had a penchant for “dancing” with underage girls. His vice caught up with him when an angry father stabbed him to death outside of a Minneapolis high school prom back in 1987.
On a snowy Idaho night in 1999, old Prancer picked the wrong bar to prance in. He was beaten to death by two homophobic rednecks. However, his death severed as a wake-up call for the reindeer GLBT community, and drew widespread attention to the budding gay rights movement among reindeer and elves at the North Pole.
Vixen loved to play the ponies. Unfortunately, he didn’t love to pay his bookie. He and his family were found dead in the Canadian wilderness back in 1994, proving once again that, reindeer or not, you don’t write checks your ass can’t cash.
Comet spent most of the late 70′s chasing the dragon. He finally caught it at a Van Halen concert in Lakeland, FL, in 1982. Stay away from the needle, kids.
In 2003, while on vacation with his siblings in Finland, Cupid’s hothead brother, Sonny, offhandedly referred to some local woman as “fat, Norwegian sluts.” The resulting carnage can be seen above.
After Donner and seven other reindeer drown back in 1996, the “Seven-Mile Stoli Swim” was officially dropped from the annual Reindeer Games.
Everyone knew Blitzen had a problem with the bottle, but nobody wanted to confront him. By the time he wandered off into the woods after a hard night of drinking in December of 1981, it was too late. He was found frozen to death the next morning.
Rudolf died peacefully in his sleep on October 5th, 1991. Well, as peacefully as anyone who inadvertently swallowed a box of razorblades while rooting through a farmer’s trash pile can die.