In honor of Mother’s Day, here’s a list of mom’s we wouldn’t touch with a ten-foot pole. Or a three-inch penis.
12. Angela Bower , Who’s The Boss
Number of Kids: 1 (Jonathan)
Why I Wouldn’t: Aside from the fact that she looks like a plastic skeleton in a pediatrician’s office, she’s so annoyingly neurotic that you’d be standing there holding a condom while she’d say: “Should we do this? What if Jonathan walks in? Jonathan’s been acting strange lately. I think he and Mona are up to something? Do you think they’re up to something? I do. I definitely do. We should spy on them?
11. Florida Evans – Good Times
Number of Kids: 3 (Jimmy, Thelma and Michael)
Why I Wouldn’t: I’m not against a woman with a little meat on her bones, but there’s a lot of meat there. And it’s not just on her bones, it’s pretty much everywhere. Plus, I feel like even if I got it up for her, she’d sassily lecture me because I blamed Thelma for not taking the trash out when it was actually my turn. Then she’d coax me into apologizing to Thelma and by the time I was done with that, there’s no way I’d still have an erection. [Also, she looks like David Ortiz.]
10. Alice Hyatt – Alice
Number of Kids: 1 (Tommy)
Why I Wouldn’t: I’m pretty sure Jason Varitek uses her face to catch Jonathan Papelbon. She’s weathered and looks like she could possibly be from New Jersey, which means she’s riddled with STDs and garlic. No thank you.
9. Kate Tanner – ALF
Number of Kids: 2 (Lynn and Brian)
Why I Wouldn’t: I’m pretty sure Pink would call her mannish. Normally, the only time you run into someone who looks like her is behind an Applebee’s and she’s asking to blow you for some coke or whatever you have in your to-go box.
8. Grace Kelly – Grace Under Fire
Number of Kids: 2 or 3 (I can’t tell from the Wikipedia page and no one I know has seen the show)
Why I Wouldn’t: Call me old fashioned, but I just don’t like it when a woman has a voice that’s deeper than mine. (And a penis that’s longer and wider than mine.)
7. Mary Jo Shively – Designing Women
Number of Kids: 2 (Claudia and Quentin)
Why I Wouldn’t: With her clothes on, she doesn’t look all that bad. But on the outside, Black Angus looks like a decent restaurant. I’m pretty sure if she disrobed, she’d look like the Nazi guy in the last Indiana Jones who drank from the wrong Holy Grail about halfway before he disintegrated into dust and the medieval guy said, “He chose poorly.
6. The Car – My Mother The Car
Number of Kids: 1 (David)
Why I Wouldn’t: Her tailpipe is saggy and rusty, she needs a new set of headlights and, between you and me, she’s pretty gassy.
5. Miranda Hobbs – Sex and the City
Number of Kids: 1 (Brady)
Why I Wouldn’t: I have such a hard time telling these characters apart. Is this one the vapid whore who loves shoes? Or is she the vapid whore who loves handbags? Or maybe she’s vapid whore who likes both shoes and handbags? Hmm, let me do a little more research and get back to you as to exactly why this one’s a MIWLF OK, I’m back. She’s a vapid whore who had a baby, that’s why.
4. Roseanne Barr/Arnold/Thomas , Roseanne
Number of Kids: 3 (Becky (twice), Darlene, DJ)
Why I Wouldn’t: Despite her obvious heft, it’s the fact she’s the female version of Sam Kinnison that would kill the whole thing. Could you imagine trying to finish when a naked pile of mayonnaise and hair is screaming at you for not punishing Darlene after she set the garage on fire? I could not.
3. Marion Cunningham – Happy Days
Number of Kids: 3 (Chuck, Richie and Joanie)
Why I Wouldn’t: Forget the fact that she’s sort of an iconic figure from my early childhood, she was also banging Tom Bosley. Those are some sloppy seconds I just couldn’t stomach.
2. Louise “Weezy” Jefferson – The Jeffersons
Number of Kids: 1 (Lionel)
Why I Wouldn’t: I’m pretty sure Weezy got her name from the sound she made while walking up the stairs to the audition. If you watch The Jefferson’s closely, there are several scenes where Sherman Helmsley is actually in orbit around her. (She’s really large.)
1. Edith Bunker – All in the Family
Number of Kids: 1 (Gloria)
Why I Wouldn’t: Aside from the obvious reason that she’s in her fifties and looks like she was created by DC Comics to provide a formidable opponent for Batman, her voice causes my penis to retreat inside my body and cower in fear behind my testicles.