Recently, the Advocate released it’s remarkably scientific list of the gayest cities in America. How scientific? One of the criteria for gayness involved the number of Tegan and Sara concerts within the city limits in the last year. Lord knows there’s like a million gayer bands than Tegan and Sara out there. Nickelback comes to mind. But anyway, now that we have the list in hand, let’s take a look at it and make some jokes.
15 – Miami
Old Nickname: The Magic City
New Nickname: The Reacharound
Apparently Miami is gay because they have tanned dudes on South Beach and 29 businesses in the Yellow Pages that have the word “gay in them. Joseph S Gay DDS may or may not be one of them.
14 – Oakland
Old Nickname: O-town
New Nickname: O-ring
Oakland apparently has the second highest number of same sex couple households in the country. There’s also a nude yoga studio for men. Let me ask you something, is there a straight nude yoga studio anywhere for dudes and women? I suspect not.
13 – Denver
Old Nickname: Mile High City
New Nickname: Rocky Mountain Man Beef
Denver has a gay and lesbian center, which I like to think has roller skating and maybe a breakfast bar. That and gay line dancing seem to be Denver’s only claim to gayness, other than the Nuggets.
12 – Cleveland
Old Nickname: The Mistake on the Lake
New Nickname: The Baloney Pony
Most people consider Cleveland a bit of a dump, so it’s nice to know it may get redecorated one of these days. Why so gay? It’s going to host the 2014 Gay Games. We didn’t even make that up. Were you at all aware that there is such a thing as the gay games? I get the Special Olympics, but gay games? Should I put a pole vault joke here?
11 – San Francisco
Old Nickname: Frisco
New Nickname: Frisk Me
Stereotypes say this should be higher on the list, as San Francisco is the source of West coast gay. How gay? 8 Tegan and Sara concerts, man. That’s the musical equivalent of kissing Paul Blart.
10 – St. Louis
Old Nickname: Mound City
New Nickname: Mount City
St. Louis has a Trans Family Picnic and also 6 lesbian bars, so that’s something. On the other hand, only two Tegan and Sara concerts. What the hell is everyone listening to? Air Supply?
9 – Seattle
Old Nickname: Rainy City
New Nickname: Golden Shower Town
It’s not just famous for Starbucks and rain, Seattle also had Frasier… Oh, and apparently there’s a famous drag show and a gay bar called Pony. It’s weird what happens when your sexuality has to define your whole pseudo culture.
8 – Washington, DC
Old Nickname: Chocolate City
New Nickname: Chocolate City
This is an aside, but Chocolate City? Really? Anyway, this one seems kind of obvious, not for the gay nightlife, but for the fact there are so many senators and congressman hanging out in men’s rooms all over the place. Plus the Washington Monument is super gay.
7 – Atlanta
Old Nickname: Hotlanta
New Nickname: Hot Dude
The Advocate article used the word ”gayborhood” in their entry on Atlanta. I can’t imagine I need to add much to that – except this! 32 lesbian bars. Hells yeah (because secretly every straight dude knows a lesbian bar is just full of chicks who want threesomes with dudes. Dudes like us).
6 – Vancouver, Washington
Old Nickname: The Couve
New Nickname: The Manhole
11 Tegan and Sara concerts and a population under 200,000? You can’t argue with science, people. If you even drive past Vancouver, you’re going to be craving quiche for the rest of the day.
5 – Pittsburgh
Old Nickname: Steel City
New Nickname: Bonertown
I don’t know about this one – birthplace of Andy Warhol but no lesbian bars? That’s like a soy burger with bacon or a hot chick who smells vaguely of onion. Like, things seem Ok at first, but then what the f*ck happened?
4 – Orlando
Old Nickname: The City Beautiful
New Nickname: Sweet Ass, Dude
It’s the home of Disney World. If you can find a gayer theme park anywhere in the world, you’re confused and are actually in Disney World.
3 – Las Vegas
Old Nickname: Sin City
New Nickname: In HimCity
Siegfried and Roy. Cirque du Soleil. Criss Angel. Gay cubed.
2 – Santa Fe
Old Nickname: The City Different
New Nickname: The City Dildo
Santa Fe apparently has a gay retirement home. I could literally write a trilogy of movies based on that one sentence.
1 – Minneapolis
Old Nickname: City of Lakes
New Nickname: 69 Licks
So here we are, the gayest city in the entire United States. This is bear country. No really, apparently it’s very big with hairy men. They have something called Bob’s Bear Bash. Without wanting to research this in any way, I have to assume it’s a lot of large guys drinking punch and rubbing oil on one another in a park setting. Really, just a lot of off putting imagery. But you know, if they’re happy, then that’s something.