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The 15 Gayest Cities in America: A Holy Taco Rundown

gay city

Recently, the Advocate released it’s remarkably scientific list of the gayest cities in America. How scientific? One of the criteria for gayness involved the number of Tegan and Sara concerts within the city limits in the last year. Lord knows there’s like a million gayer bands than Tegan and Sara out there. Nickelback comes to mind. But anyway, now that we have the list in hand, let’s take a look at it and make some jokes.

15 – Miami

gay miami

Old Nickname: The Magic City
New Nickname: The Reacharound

Apparently Miami is gay because they have tanned dudes on South Beach and 29 businesses in the Yellow Pages that have the word “gay in them. Joseph S Gay DDS may or may not be one of them.

14 – Oakland

gay dance party

Old Nickname: O-town
New Nickname: O-ring

Oakland apparently has the second highest number of same sex couple households in the country. There’s also a nude yoga studio for men. Let me ask you something, is there a straight nude yoga studio anywhere for dudes and women? I suspect not.

13 – Denver

denver lesbians

Old Nickname: Mile High City
New Nickname: Rocky Mountain Man Beef

Denver has a gay and lesbian center, which I like to think has roller skating and maybe a breakfast bar. That and gay line dancing seem to be Denver’s only claim to gayness, other than the Nuggets.

12 – Cleveland

gay cleveland

Old Nickname: The Mistake on the Lake
New Nickname: The Baloney Pony

Most people consider Cleveland a bit of a dump, so it’s nice to know it may get redecorated one of these days. Why so gay? It’s going to host the 2014 Gay Games. We didn’t even make that up. Were you at all aware that there is such a thing as the gay games? I get the Special Olympics, but gay games? Should I put a pole vault joke here?

11 – San Francisco

sna francisco lesbian

Old Nickname: Frisco
New Nickname: Frisk Me
Stereotypes say this should be higher on the list, as San Francisco is the source of West coast gay. How gay? 8 Tegan and Sara concerts, man. That’s the musical equivalent of kissing Paul Blart.

10 – St. Louis

st louis gay

Old Nickname: Mound City
New Nickname: Mount City

St. Louis has a Trans Family Picnic and also 6 lesbian bars, so that’s something. On the other hand, only two Tegan and Sara concerts. What the hell is everyone listening to? Air Supply?

9 – Seattle

Old Nickname: Rainy City
New Nickname: Golden Shower Town

It’s not just famous for Starbucks and rain, Seattle also had Frasier… Oh, and apparently there’s a famous drag show and a gay bar called Pony. It’s weird what happens when your sexuality has to define your whole pseudo culture.

8 – Washington, DC

giant wang

Old Nickname: Chocolate City
New Nickname: Chocolate City

This is an aside, but Chocolate City? Really? Anyway, this one seems kind of obvious, not for the gay nightlife, but for the fact there are so many senators and congressman hanging out in men’s rooms all over the place. Plus the Washington Monument is super gay.

7 – Atlanta

gay atlanta

Old Nickname: Hotlanta
New Nickname: Hot Dude

The Advocate article used the word ”gayborhood” in their entry on Atlanta. I can’t imagine I need to add much to that – except this! 32 lesbian bars. Hells yeah (because secretly every straight dude knows a lesbian bar is just full of chicks who want threesomes with dudes. Dudes like us).

6 – Vancouver, Washington

vancouver

Old Nickname: The Couve
New Nickname: The Manhole

11 Tegan and Sara concerts and a population under 200,000? You can’t argue with science, people. If you even drive past Vancouver, you’re going to be craving quiche for the rest of the day.

5 – Pittsburgh

gay steel workers

Old Nickname: Steel City
New Nickname: Bonertown

I don’t know about this one – birthplace of Andy Warhol but no lesbian bars? That’s like a soy burger with bacon or a hot chick who smells vaguely of onion. Like, things seem Ok at first, but then what the f*ck happened?

4 – Orlando

lesbian snow white

Old Nickname: The City Beautiful
New Nickname: Sweet Ass, Dude

It’s the home of Disney World. If you can find a gayer theme park anywhere in the world, you’re confused and are actually in Disney World.

3 – Las Vegas

gay vegas

Old Nickname: Sin City
New Nickname: In HimCity

Siegfried and Roy. Cirque du Soleil. Criss Angel. Gay cubed.

2 – Santa Fe

cowboys

Old Nickname: The City Different
New Nickname: The City Dildo

Santa Fe apparently has a gay retirement home. I could literally write a trilogy of movies based on that one sentence.

1 – Minneapolis

old couple

Old Nickname: City of Lakes
New Nickname: 69 Licks

So here we are, the gayest city in the entire United States. This is bear country. No really, apparently it’s very big with hairy men. They have something called Bob’s Bear Bash. Without wanting to research this in any way, I have to assume it’s a lot of large guys drinking punch and rubbing oil on one another in a park setting. Really, just a lot of off putting imagery. But you know, if they’re happy, then that’s something.

19 Responses to "The 15 Gayest Cities in America: A Holy Taco Rundown"

  1. Wilford Brimley says:

    Wow, Holy Taco deleting criticizing comments, boooooooo

    • Ian Fortey says:

      Sometimes things get axed by mistake. Sometimes we delete things on purpose if it’s totally ignorant. Can’t say what yours might have been if you lost something.

      • Wilford Brimley's Monkey says:

        I’m on to you Fortey! I’m on to you and your gang of jackbooted goons!

      • TinyDickman says:

        TinyDickman is back, and TinyDickman must say as long as that gay fuck “justin” isn’t one of the writers, I shall stay.

        And what are we listening to in STL? It’s this new hippster band that’s gaining a little bit of momentum called FUCK YOU

  2. DonkeyXote says:

    xD

  3. BamBam says:

    Seriously…not even an honorable mention of Key West? They host Fantasy Fest every year and the highlight of the parade is Drag Racing and it is exactly what you are picturing.

  4. NYC Hot Lesbian says:

    what about NYC? Gots all of them beat in sheer numbers of gays. Cya, gonna go hunt for beavers.

  5. Exile says:

    Why isn’t Washington DC on the list. Take a good look at First “Lady” Michelle Obama. Barry the inept obviously takes it up the ass.

  6. BonaFide says:

    Denver and line dancing? I guess whoever put this list together didnt spend anytime at all researching. I can’t think of one country bar in the city limits.

  7. viva mexico cabrones! says:

    well! the monument to washington, almost equal to the cleopatra’s needle which actually symbolizes an “erect dick”…
    the funny thing is that the lincoln’s memorial has a statue of abraham sitting down, looking at this “dick” all the time, just like the pope does in the st peter’s square, exactly like the ancient egiptians used to do to the original “dick”, today located in central park nyc.

    do you want to know more, search the web, there’s a lot of information out there!

  8. Lance Bass says:

    WTF? Houston not on the list? Or New Orleans? Key West? Why is San Fran ranked so low?

    This list is so gay Fred Phelps should protest it.

  9. Lance Bass says:

    WTF? Houston? New Orleans?? Key West???

    This list is so gay Fred Phelps should protest it.

  10. tinker chronic says:

    Oh, Orlando. As usual, the world pretends that the city is only WDW. Which is basically true. Highlight of the year = watching the tourists freak the hell out during the “gay days” events at the parks. Yes, they’re real. And no, it isn’t just employees on their days off.