Holy Balls! On Holy Taco! The final four has finally arrived, the champion of each division is now here to represent douche like no other could. Titans have fallen in their wake, dinguses have been all “dude, wtf?” and you, dear reader, have helped it all come to life because you cared enough to vote and make douche history. Huzzah! On to the winners of yesterday’s bracket!
Westboro Baptist Church 84.8% defeated The Hipster Movement 15.6%
The Situation 67.0% defeated Mel Gibson 33.0%
Ben Roethlisberger 54.8% defeated NFL Owners 45.2%
Glenn Beck 54.9% defeated Muammar Gaddafi 45.1%
Analysis: Despite some comments that suggested this was the Hipster’s time to shine, fate turned against them and, just as they do at life, the hipsters failed. Failed so damn hard. And Westboro Baptist blazes a trail right through the Wild Card division with ease. It’s almost as if God willed it. Because God is love, but he does reserve a tiny smidge of straight up hate for jackasses like Fred Phelps and crew.
Mel Gibson seemed to be unstoppable after he destroyed Charlie Sheen but the Situation is just so bloody ridiculous and with the Roast of Donald Trump inflating his douche factor significantly, Gibson didn’t stand a chance.
Back on the gridiron the battle was close and pitted readers’ dislike of greedy billionaires against their dislike of rapists. At the end of the day we can all forgive greed because, really, who doesn’t want to be a billionaire. Roethlisberger, no one aspires to be you.
No battle from the first round until now came down as close as the politics finale. Beck and Gaddafi were literally tied for hours, making writing this article ahead of time a real pain in the ass.
On to the final four match up!
In fairness, we thought the Situation would have been a throwaway in the first round of this tournament simply because who gives a shit about the Situation? He’s on Jersey Shore which only the most dedicated mouth breathers still watch and the novelty of being a worthless Gino has pretty much worn off all of these semi-shined Jersey turds. They’re only popular in trailer parks and on the View. However, how could we have foreseen that, for some reason, this tool was invited to the roast of Donald Trump where he got on stage, awkwardly told mediocre jokes and bombed so terribly his crapulence took over the internet for a few days. Sharing space with Rebecca Black and Charlie Sheen? It was a stunning Hail Mary douche play and it paid off. The Situation coasted all the way to the final four.
Westboro has been an unstoppable force since round one and we expected it would be. No single, semi-organized group in the US seems to be more reviled collectively than Westboro. You could put Glenn Beck, Barack Obama, Nancy Pelosi, John Stewart, Ron Paul, a pick up truck full of hillbillies, a couple of gay porn stars, Jesus and all of Holy Taco’s readership in a room together and they’d all agree on one thing – f*ck Westboro Baptist Church.
This pairing really has the Situation as the underdog though, douchey as he is, he really hasn’t one anything to engender as much hatred as Westboro and that hatred is their strength in this tournament. These people really do suck. Like so bad,
A far more even handed match up, the race to this point was tight. Beck was barely ahead of Gaddafi in the last round and Roethlisberger had his hands full with the NFL owners. Now that they’re paired together it’s a real question as to what readers are going to find more despicable – the whiny man-baby who can’t not say something completely ignorant every time he opens his trap or the unapologetic goon who looks like every date rapist that you ever went to school with that thought it was funny to puke on the shag carpeting at your mom’s house.
The time for talk is over, the time for decisions is now. Decide who will enter the Douchebag Tournament Championship Round. Decide who the biggest douchebag of the year is. Decide history!