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The 2011 Douchebag Tournament: Final Four!

Holy Balls! On Holy Taco! The final four has finally arrived, the champion of each division is now here to represent douche like no other could. Titans have fallen in their wake, dinguses have been all “dude, wtf?” and you, dear reader, have helped it all come to life because you cared enough to vote and make douche history. Huzzah! On to the winners of yesterday’s bracket!

Westboro Baptist Church 84.8% defeated The Hipster Movement 15.6%

The Situation 67.0% defeated Mel Gibson 33.0%

Ben Roethlisberger 54.8% defeated NFL Owners 45.2%

Glenn Beck 54.9% defeated Muammar Gaddafi 45.1%

Analysis: Despite some comments that suggested this was the Hipster’s time to shine, fate turned against them and, just as they do at life, the hipsters failed. Failed so damn hard. And Westboro Baptist blazes a trail right through the Wild Card division with ease. It’s almost as if God willed it. Because God is love, but he does reserve a tiny smidge of straight up hate for jackasses like Fred Phelps and crew.

Mel Gibson seemed to be unstoppable after he destroyed Charlie Sheen but the Situation is just so bloody ridiculous and with the Roast of Donald Trump inflating his douche factor significantly, Gibson didn’t stand a chance.

Back on the gridiron the battle was close and pitted readers’ dislike of greedy billionaires against their dislike of rapists. At the end of the day we can all forgive greed because, really, who doesn’t want to be a billionaire. Roethlisberger, no one aspires to be you.

No battle from the first round until now came down as close as the politics finale. Beck and Gaddafi were literally tied for hours, making writing this article ahead of time a real pain in the ass.

On to the final four match up!

In fairness, we thought the Situation would have been a throwaway in the first round of this tournament simply because who gives a shit about the Situation? He’s on Jersey Shore which only the most dedicated mouth breathers still watch and the novelty of being a worthless Gino has pretty much worn off all of these semi-shined Jersey turds. They’re only popular in trailer parks and on the View. However, how could we have foreseen that, for some reason, this tool was invited to the roast of Donald Trump where he got on stage, awkwardly told mediocre jokes and bombed so terribly his crapulence took over the internet for a few days. Sharing space with Rebecca Black and Charlie Sheen? It was a stunning Hail Mary douche play and it paid off. The Situation coasted all the way to the final four.

Westboro has been an unstoppable force since round one and we expected it would be. No single, semi-organized group in the US seems to be more reviled collectively than Westboro. You could put Glenn Beck, Barack Obama, Nancy Pelosi, John Stewart, Ron Paul, a pick up truck full of hillbillies, a couple of gay porn stars, Jesus and all of Holy Taco’s readership in a room together and they’d all agree on one thing – f*ck Westboro Baptist Church.

This pairing really has the Situation as the underdog though, douchey as he is, he really hasn’t one anything to engender as much hatred as Westboro and that hatred is their strength in this tournament. These people really do suck. Like so bad,

A far more even handed match up, the race to this point was tight. Beck was barely ahead of Gaddafi in the last round and Roethlisberger had his hands full with the NFL owners. Now that they’re paired together it’s a real question as to what readers are going to find more despicable – the whiny man-baby who can’t not say something completely ignorant every time he opens his trap or the unapologetic goon who looks like every date rapist that you ever went to school with that thought it was funny to puke on the shag carpeting at your mom’s house.

The time for talk is over, the time for decisions is now. Decide who will enter the Douchebag Tournament Championship Round. Decide who the biggest douchebag of the year is. Decide history!

10 Responses to "The 2011 Douchebag Tournament: Final Four!"

  1. H8er says:

    Westboro v. Glenn Beck. An epic battle of the ultimate douchiness proportions.

    • Guesty McGuest says:

      The fact that these two cunts will make it restores some measure of my hope in humanity.

    • bad acid trip says:

      it might be a good idea to hide in a bomb shelter when the westboro vs. beck fight starts

  2. clubf00t says:

    “the situation” will take down Westboro just because Westboro is made of bunch of little tiny douches, strong in numbers but cant compare to “the situation”. 1 huge douche epic in its size…a tile wave of smug, tanned douchery. 1 douche to rule them all if u will

  3. Splivins says:

    Gotta go with Big Ben and The Situation in the finals.
    These two are the very definition of douchebaggery.
    Sure, Westboro’s are horrible people and Beck is an idiot
    but Roethlisberger and The Situation are the standards by
    which all future douches should be measured.

  4. Rahm Emmanuel says:

    It’ll be Beck versus Westboro baptist. Why? because this is the internet, where liberal atheists inflict their opinions on comedy sites (I’m not digging at you guys btw) It SHOULD be Ben and the situation. They ARE the greatest douches. But it’ll be beck vs westboro, because some people can’t go against their greatest enemies, even in the name of douchedom.

  5. schemefactory says:

    don’t blame me- i voted for kodos.

  6. Wilford Brimley's Monkey says:

    setting the definition of douche aside i find it hilarious that the readers of this site find Glenn Beck, a borderline retarded shock jock, more of a “douche” than a man that openly murders thousands of people.

  7. Wilford Brimley's Monkey says:

    setting the definition of douche aside i find it hilarious that the readers of this site find Glenn Beck, a borderline r-turded shock jock, more of a “douche” than a man that openly murders thousands of people.