Check out the current brackets here
Welcome to the beginning of the tournament. We have 64 douchebages to get through which is no small task, so you have a lot of work to do before we get into the good stuff. Once votes are tallied we’ll wittle this down in no time. Each douchebag will have their douchiness justified and as we go further into the tourney you’ll get a more in depth reasoning for their presence beyond what we came up with for today which was decided on over three Kahlua-fueled discussions in the boiler room. Make your picks and create history while we make fun of people who may or may not deserve our mockery.
We’re running half of our douchebags today and, before you question the order, know that the Kahlua is still in the office and, for the most part, this isn’t super scientific. It’ll all work out in the end though, trust us.
1 Charlie Sheen
Why He’s a Douchebag: If you don’t know why Sheen is here it’s because you haven’t had power in the last two weeks. After going on his dillionth bender, Sheen had to take a forced vacation from work at which point he realized just how awful his show really is and said “f*ck it” and opted to become a pretend crazy person, forcing us all to endure his unclever and unfunny catch phrases and slogans online and in dozens of interviews with journalists who didn’t pay attention in class the day they covered the difference between real news and an asshole who just wants attention by pretending to be unstable.
16 Mel Gibson
Why He’s a Douchebag: Did you read the love letters Gibson wrote to the woman he loves and sometimes hates and calls horrible names? Yeah, they sucked in ways lovestruck emo kids with rage issues could only wish to emulate. Plus, and maybe this is just us being nutty, but doesn’t it seem like he hates Jews?
1. Glenn Beck
Why He’s a Douchebag: Wow, where to begin? If we just limit this to the year since the last tournament, Glenn Beck is responsible for a completely mind-numbing rally to restore honor or fists in asses or something to that effect that was mostly the same right wing rhetoric the man must gibber while he’s on the toilet, and then, more recently, for blaming the quake and tsunami in Japan on God’s anger at mankind, which is the idiot’s way of saying “you did this to yourselves.”
16. Barack Obama
Why He’s a Douchebag: Poor Obama, his presidency started with a bang but man, try to find someone who doesn’t think he’s a massive waste of space these days, it ain’t easy. And while he does have some apologists and supporters out there still, his weak ass stance on the Middle East revolutions is a bit douchey at best.
1 LeBron James
Why He’s a Douchebag: Back in July, LeBron decided to take douchebaggery to the television by holding a press conference to show off how much of an asshole he was. During the press conference he announced his decision to hop on board with Miami, much to the delight of not just Cleveland fans, but the entire team who weren’t aware that James was leaving until then either.
16. Ben Roethlisberger
Why He’s a Douchebag: Ben Roethlisberger may or may not be a rapist. Plus look at the guy.
1. Westboro Baptist Church
Why They’re Douchebags: Jesus, really? If you need an explanation, Google the church and read the signs these people print off and regularly bring with them to the funerals of fallen soldiers. They planned on protesting the funeral of the 9 year old girl killed in the 2010 Tucson shooting and, this year, the Supreme Court ruled they have the right to say all the dumb shit they want. Which means we can call them douches. Big, steamy, slippery douches. Fred Phelps, that includes you, ya douche nozzle.
16. Terry Jones
Why He’s a Douchebag: Not just for his mustache, but for organizing a “Burn the Koran” event, because if there’s one thing the world needs more of it’s assholes making people surly and bitchy. Do you realize that if everyone was happy and loved everyone else, way more chicks would show you their boobs? Think about it. Thanks for ruining that, Jones.
2 The Kardashians
Why They’re Douchebags: No one knows why they’re famous, other than the fact that Kim keeps showing off her ass and pretending like the reason we know her name has nothing to do with watching her hump some dude on tape. The other two? Who knows. Also, they gave the world the Kardashian Kard, a debit card that tagged you with a pantload of excess fees, proving once again that putting your finances in the hands of reality stars isn’t a great idea.
15 Black Eyed Peas
Why They’re Douchebags: It’s not because Holy Taco hates them (even though we do) it’s because of that awful song The Time which we assume is killing Patrick Swayze all over again, and the Superbowl Halftime show. Fergie, you have no business doing what you did. Stay away from Slash.
2 The Koch Brothers
Why They’re Douchebags: Have you heard about the troubles in Wisconsin? You know, where unions are being railroaded like the Monopoly guy just landed his thimble on the Shortline? Yeah, that’s happening because the Koch brothers are funding it. They’re multi-billionaires who like to fund “grassroots” movements to screw working people and support teabag enthusiasts. And not that cool teabagging, we mean the lame kind. They love them some tea parties.
15 Nancy Pelosi
Why She’s a Douchebag: Aside from looking like silly putty stretched across half a watermelon, Pelosi is also an ultra liberal caricature of a human and will spend all the money in the world to save it, if necessary. Plus she wants you to smoke pot. Probably. Pelosi is to a conservative what garlic is to vampires.
2 Tiger Woods
Why He’s a Douchebag: Tiger Woods is a sex addict. Seriously? The dude who got famous for being an insane golfer publicly and mostly standoffish and kind of dorky privately, who married a Swedish model, took the time out of his busy schedule of being a billionaire married to a model to bang like 100 other chicks. He lost his endorsements, his wife, his career and his reputation. And then, in August, Forbes let us all know he’s the richest athlete in the world. This guy wins even when he loses.
15 Bret Favre
Why He’s a Douchebag: Bret Favre has made a career of retiring from football, that got him in the Tournament last time. This year he’s in for coming out of retirement long enough to send a picture of his wang and some dirty voicemails to a woman. Atta boy, Bret.
Why She’s a Douchebag: Octomom actually won the 2009 Tournament but she’s back again this year for trying to make money and gain more notoriety for her crazy ass by making the most offputting fetish video we’ve seen since our intern told us he’s a furry.
15 Katharine DeBrecht
Why She’s a Douchebag: Never heard of her? That’s OK, most people haven’t. But she is the author of infamous children’s book Help! Mom! There’s Liberals Under my Bed and Help! Mom! The 9th Circuit Nabbed My Nativity! That’s right, DeBrecht isn’t just a conservative, she’s one of the douchebag kind who can’t just ascribe to a political philosophy, vote and live her life accordingly, she has to make a big scene about it and turn her political views into inflammatory children’s stories.
Why She’s a Douchebag: Snooki became a New York Times best selling author this year. Snooki. That goblin pictured above.
14 The Situation
Why He’s a Douchebag: Thinking of a new reason why he’s a douchebag was harder than you’d think since most of the old reasons are still so prevalent, but in the last year The Situation become the second highest earning reality star after Kim Kardashian, making $5 million thanks to his own book which we assume was pop up, a rap video, vitamins and probably a bunch of other really dumb shit.
3 Sarah Palin
Why She’s a Douchebag: A stacked question if ever there was one, this past year saw Palin’s popularity slip to George W Bush lows thanks to her idiotic reality show and a continued and concerted effort to never say anything in public that wouldn’t be equally embarrassing in private.
14 Bristol Palin
Why She’s a Douchebag: Aside from being an abstinence speaker who has a baby, she also charges upwards of $30,000 to do one of these educational talks. The kind of people who need abstinence education from Bristol Palin cannot afford the cost of Bristol Palin.
3 NFL Owners
Why They’re Douchebags: Anyone who owns a multi-million dollar franchise of anything must arguably have a bit of douche in the veins, but in this case the NFL owners would like a pay raise of over a billion dollars to cover costs like mink enema nozzles and solid gold toilet paper rolls while offering the players the chance to just get paid less. No one sympathizes when a billionaire says the economy is bad.
14 NFL Players
Why They’re Douchebags: While the owners do want to bend them over, they also want to extend the season, which is fun times for fans but not fun times for players who apparently loathe playing the game so much they can’t bear the thought of two more games a season. Oh, and they’re already rich, so none of us care about them getting a pay cut.
3 Mary Bale
Why She’s a Douchebag: An example of why, in he modern age, you should always think before you do something douchey, Mary Bale became infamous when she tossed a cat in the garbage and it was caught on camera. The video went viral and Mary was up to her droopers in death threats in no time. Lesson learn – don’t be an asshole, someone is watching.
14 Zachary Chesser
Why He’s a Douchebag: South Park has managed to get under all kinds of people’s skin since it first arrived but no one ever threatened to kill Trey Parker and Matt Stone until Zachary Chesser. After threatening the South Park creators with death for depicting Mohammad in their 200th episode, Chesser was arrested and sentenced to 25 years in prison for aiding a known terrorist organization. Nice pube beard, dick face.
4 George Lucas
Why He’s a Douchebag: Fanboys could write a whole thesis on this question, but we’re only interested in douchebaggery from the last year and in the last year, Lucas’ big, unsightly contribution to the world of douche was the announcement that Star Wars, apparently the only thing Lucas’ addled brain can keep a grasp on, will now be re-released (again) in 3D. Because you want to see another dimension of Jar Jar Binks.
13 Tyler Perry
Why He’s a Douchebag: The man responsible for Madea and a series of incomprehensibly bad movies and television shows, Tyler Perry continues to be one of the most successful men in Hollywood by basically making the same movie over and over again with a greater or lesser degree of black stereotypes.
4 Kim Jong-Il
Why He’s a Douchebag: The world’s funniest, craziest dictator, Kim had mostly been laying low in recent months until word hit North Korea that there’s political unrest in the Middle East, which he responded to by having tanks surround his house to protect him from hordes of citizens who might get the same idea, if they had access to anything but state run news to even be aware that the rest of the world exists. Oh, plus his people are all starving because the entire country is kind of ridiculous.
13 Christine O’Donnel
Why She’s a Douchebag: One of the first faces of the Tea Party movement, and also one of its biggest jokes, O’Donnel will forever be remembered for first talking about how she dabbled in witchcraft and then denying that she was a witch publicly. If at any point in your career you’re moved to make a public statement about whether or not you’re a witch, it’s time to pack it in. You f*cked up.
4 Jerry Jones
Why He’s a Douchebag: Jones is the owner and general manager of the Dallas Cowboys, which technically could be considered reason to be called a douchebag right there, but the bigger story for Jones is that he’s not smart enough not to get caught on tape ripping the hell out of Bill Parcells and basically admitting Parcells only got his job so that Jones could shut up some fans and build a fancy stadium complete with cage dancers.
13: Rex Ryan
Why He’s a Douchebag: This doesn’t relate to his career as Jets coach at all, it’s just about the fact that Ryan seems not entirely disgusted by his own ability to talk about his wife’s foot fetish videos or his penchant for threesomes. Looks at that man. Blech.
Why They’re Douchebags: Do you remember the last time you heard of bed bugs before last year? It was probably that shitty board game from when you were a kid, unless you live in our apartment building, in which case they’re just an every day thing and you still didn’t care about them. Then, out of nowhere, the entire country was infested with bedbugs. Apparently, without a flu or a flesh eating disease to fetishize, the media had to pick something to talk about, and bed bugs was it.
13 Mysterious Animal Deaths
Why They’re Douchebags: Animals refuse to stop dying this year and, despite how numerous sources have pointed out that mass animal deaths happen all the time and nothing that’s happening this year is more irregular than any other year, try telling that to the media who decided to call in Kirk Cameron to ask if this was a sign of the end times. And even Kirk Cameron thought that question was stupid.