The dynamite is preparing to go boom as we’re down to the best of the best in each of our four brackets. The Elite Eight represents the final battle to determine who will represent the fields of entertainment, politics, sports and the wild card division. 56 competitors have fallen, victims of the douchestruction, a word we just coined to try to elucidate the sheer awesomosity of this brutal and colon-constricting battle. Let’s see the results from yesterday!
Glenn Beck 56.1% defeated Kim Jong-Il 43.9%
The Hipster Movement 69.4% defeated Octomom 30.6%
Muammar Gaddafi 75.0% defeated the Koch Brothers 25.0%
Ben Roethlisberger 65.9% defeated Jerry Jones 34.1%
NFL Owners 57.2% defeated Bret Favre 42.8%
Westboro Baptist Church 91.3% defeated Tony Hayward 8.7%
Mel Gibson 53.6% defeated Tyler Perry 46.4%
The Situation 73.2% defeated The Kardashians 26.8%
Tense battles all around but the highlights are definitely the NFL owners putting Bret Favre down like a pathetic hound and Mel Gibson’s narrow victory over Tyler Perry. Mad Max just ain’t what he used to be. Hipsters and Westboro are promising a heavy match up this next round, both of them being the far and away winners of their competitions, proving that our WildCard division is the most epic of the competition. Let’s see what the Elite Eight has in store.
CHECK OUT THE UPDATED BRACKETS HERE!
Politics all comes down to this, who’s your douche pony? Gaddafi is bolstered by the fact he’s in the news every day being even more batshit crazy with each passing day as he wavers between denying there are any problems in Libya to vowing to kill everyone in the whole country. And he keeps looking like that the whole time, indicating his face is not a meta-hilarious prank, it’s really what he looks like.
Stateside we have Glenn Beck, hero of Victoria Jackson and intolerant asswads from coast to coast, a blowhard who will literally say just about anything to get attention. Here’s a tip for Beck fans – he’s lying to you. Not in the “I disagree with Beck’s POV” way, he’s lying to you because he is a character. He’s playing you because it gets him more exposure and, in turn, more money. He doesn’t believe the crap he says, he latches onto things he knows are inflammatory and yells them at you because everyone will get their panties in a bunch over it. And that’s why he’s a douchebag.
The Sports category was stacked with the NFL this year so it’s not surprising the NFL makes up the final match up and it’s a slobberknocker or, as Ben Roethlisberger calls it, foreplay. Which brings us to “Ben Roethlisberger Jokes!”
Knock Knock
Who’s There?
Ben Roethlisberger
Ben Roethlisbe -
Surprise! You were just sexually assaulted!
What do you get when you cross Ben Roethlisberger and a lawnmower?
A lawnmower that’s also a rapist. Allegedly.
Why did Ben Roethlisberger cross the road?
To get to the other side. Because on that first side he’d already raped someone, and now had somewhere else to be.
Opposite Roethlisberger we’ve got the NFL Owners, blazing a trail through the competition by being insidious and assholish whilst sitting on a fat pile of cash like Scrooge McDuck, only instead of bearing feathers they all look vaguely like old scrotums with teeth and hats.
The true battle of the titans today is here in the Wildcard Slot where our most fierce competitors so far square off. Both the Hipsters and the Shitheads at Westboro have totally beaten their opponents like lazy-eyed step children. It’s possible Westboro dingleberries think lazy-eyes are caused by homosexual devilry, but we couldn’t give enough of a shit to really check it out. Hipsters, on the other hand, just suck so bad and no one gets it. Hipsters, no one f*cking gets you. And don’t act like that’s cool because it’s not. Do you think it’s cool if someone is eating gum off the floor and you can’t figure out why? Do you think Mongo the gum eater is cool? F*ck no, and to the rest of the world, you assholes are eating gum off the floor all the time.
Hollywood is the closest thing we have to a real life human Play Doh Douche Fun Factory, cranking out douchebags by the boatload all the time. And now we have the two biggest douches in entertainment, Mel Gibson and the Situation. Imagine them in a buddy comedy. Wait wait, why imagine when we can write a scene? Yay!
INT – NightClub – Night
Club goers dance all slutty-like to BAD MUSIC while lights flash and drinks flow. At the bar, MEL GIBSON eyes the scene curiously. He catches the Eye of a HOT CHICK and approaches.
MEL
Hey. I used to be famous. Wanna blow me?
HOT CHICK
Eew, no.
MEL
SCREW YOU, TROLLOP! I COULD BUY AND SELL YOU! I WILL HAVE YOU DEPORTED BACK TO MALAYSIA!
THE SITUATION arrives and pushes between the two of them.
THE SITUATION
Hey. What gives? I can’t read my script, there’s too many big words.
MEL & HOT CHICK
Oh, The Situation! You so crazy!
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
FIN
Vote! The Final Four Awaits!
Courtney Love & Muppet Sexual Assault
Playboy’s Big Dance March Madness Bracket Challenge
Can wait until RAS wins this tournament next year
Mel Gibson vs the situation… Really really hard to make a decision…
Westboro.
Hipsters to win the tournament.
Don’t give Westboro any more attention, that’s what they want, and they already have more than they deserve. I don’t want my generation to be remembered for looking ugly on purpose and listening to whiny i***e music.
hipsters = douchebags, they don’t realize they are.
westboro = trolls, they KNOW what they are doing – and on purpose .. much like charlie sheen.
Yup, I reckon hipsters are gonna take it this year!
all i have to say is
interior semiotics