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The 2014 Naked Bike Ride Season — Everything You Need to Know

Admit it: We know it’s been a lifelong dream of yours to catch full view of hipster giblets on bicycle seats.

‘Tis the season of the World Naked Bike Ride, when a bunch of exhibitionistic twenty-somethings pull out their fixies and ride them in packs while completely balls out. If you’re in a major city, you’ll likely see hundreds of participants, which naturally dictates that you’ll be able to ogle a handful of hot chicks who likely wouldn’t get naked for you normally. The bad thing is that — surprise, surprise — mostly men participate in the events, and you can only go so long seeing a bunch of shriveled helmet-heads pass you by before you throw in the towel.

We here at Holy Taco don’t exactly recommend you participate in the ride, as you’re opening yourself up to sex offender violation laws and the potential of having your face/saggy balls on the Internet, which could poison every job interview that you’ll ever get. But if you wanna watch or participate, check out the list of upcoming rides for the season. Obviously, different cities and countries have different laws and levels of tolerance for public “indecency,” but if you plan to participate, there are a few things you should keep in mind no matter where you are.

  • Don’t even think about showing up to ride drunk or high. I know it might dull the pain of your horrible decision, but it can also lead to bad decisions while riding and the increased likelihood that you’ll fall and scrape some shit you’ll need later.
  • Assholes will grab at you on the sides. Stick to the middle of the pack.
  • Do not ever deviate from the course while buck-balled naked. One nude asshole is a much easier target for arrest than 200.
  • Speaking of arrest, don’t in any way egg on the cops. They are not your enemy — they’re your protector. But they can become your enemy very quickly.
  • Don’t touch bystanders for any reason, lest you wanna register as a sex offender. It takes grazing only one freaked-out blonde chick to ruin your life forever.
  • Use a clever disguise to prevent folks from seeing your face, if you can help it. Seriously. You’ll semi-regret this in a decade anyway, so why have your ugly mug out there?
  • Make sure you’re always carrying packed gear and ready to get dressed at a moment’s notice. No one wants to be naked in public when the shit goeth down.

There you go. Happy riding, you loon, you.

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