OPEN ONTO NIGHT – GRAVEYARD
A tall, svelte man in bell bottoms creeps though shadows. Behind him, a Great Dane with an eye patch and titanium teeth. They are SHAGGY and SCOOBY. They move without sound through tombstones towards a light source.
The light turns out to be a TORCH, clasped in the hands of a WITCH played by BOOBS WITH A FACE. The WITCH chants in a DEMONIC LANGUAGE over an open grave.
Like, what do you think you’re up to?
The witch turns and HISSES!
She grabs the torch flame in her bare hand and the fire catches to her flesh and grows. She points, hurling a ball of flames. Suddenly SCOOBY leaps and bites down on the flames, swallowing them. He lands with a thud and turns to the stunned witch before barking forth a fearsome FIREBALL.
The witch bursts into flames as Scooby and Shaggy high five. Suddenly, a PHONE CALL distracts Shaggy. He produces a cell phone and listens intently.
He nods,nods again.
Scoob and I are on it.
He hangs up the phone and turns to Scooby.
Saddle up, buddy. The gang need us.
Scooby nods and suddenly his body turns inside out, transforming into a high powered, futuristic motorcycle. Shaggy puts on a helmet and the two speed off. Behind them, the Witch explodes in a ball of flaming vaginas.
A skuzzy, Eastern European looking plumber – MARIO – stalks through the mire and muck of a modern sewer. He carries a plunger, his red suspenders are tight over large muscles. Suddenly water erupts before him as a massive, shadowy CGI beast lurches forth. It is a GOOMBA.
Goomba? More like Goner!
Mario LAUGHS at his own joke and runs up the side of the sewer wall. The camera spins and twirls and shakes as Mario and the CGI monster fight. Fists and tentacles fly until, suddenly, a blinding fast blur of green speeds through the tunnel and slams into the Goomba, knocking it through a wall. The green blur slows and is revealed to be LUIGI, a hot blonde plumber with a stunning rack who has never been in another movie.
Luigi, what are you doing here?
Just looking out for you, big brother.
Who’s looking out for who?
Mario pushes Luigi aside as the Goomba lurches forth again. With a mighty leap, Mario jumps into the air and comes down onto the Goomba, crushing its head and exploding its guts in a spray across the wall.
Mario and Luigi high five and do not miss.
MILLA JOVOVICH appears, bends over, wears skin tight Lycra. She spin kicks the Universe into existence. Uppercut stars across the sky and scream galaxies into the vastness of space. There is a Techno soundtrack.
Milla backflips and life begins on Earth. There are dinosaurs. She wrestles a T. Rex and kills it with her thighs. Then she kills three more by pointing at them. Then she flies through space seeding planets with new life, including Aliens and Predators, which she also kills.