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The 4 Saddest Canned Foods Ever

This article needs to be clarified right off the bat.  It’s not about gross canned foods, there are lots of those articles out there showing off pig brains and canned duck penis and who knows what else.  This is focused on foods that are just depressing in the way that the person who eats them must cry in the shower a lot for seemingly no reason.

Canned Burger

This is layered wrongness in ways that are had to fathom.  Like you wanted a burger but you were too lazy to make one from scratch and that’s OK, not a lot of people make burgers from scratch anymore.  But then you could just buy frozen pre made ones.  But maybe that’s taking too long for you.  That’s OK, cooking beef takes a little while.  So maybe go to McDonalds.  Here’s where shit breaks down.  Why not go to McDonalds?  Why get a canned hamburger instead of taking like 10 minutes to get one that was at least made that day for you and not canned.  You can’t can a burger.  Like physically you can, the laws of the universe don’t prevent it, but don’t.

Whole Chicken

You’ve probably seen pics of this around the internet, it’s on a million “gross canned food” lists out there and while yes, it’s disgusting to look at that nasty, jelly-slathered chicken oozing out of the can, we’re more concerned with what this implies.  It’s a whole chicken so one of two things is happening here – this is for more than one person or one person feels the need to eat a whole chicken to themselves and both of these are so utterly full of despair it should make you frown for the rest of the day.  Who eats a whole chicken to themselves?  And alternately, what awful person feeds their friends or family a canned chicken?  How much does this thing cost?  You can get a utility grade chicken for a pretty decent price at the grocery store, man.  Don’t buy a whole canned chicken.  For the love of God, just eat bread and canned tuna if you’re desperate.

Hot Dog

Despite the can showing a whole hot dog, most of these products seem to actually just be canned wieners and on the surface that seems like it’s probably OK, but if you ponder it for a moment it gets depressing.  For instance, how hard is it for you to get ‘fresh’ hot dogs where you are that you might need to buy the canned kind?  And what evil possesses you such that you need hot dogs so bad you’re willing to eat canned ones?  By and large, hot dogs are considered to ass end of the food quality spectrum, they’re formed from lips and assholes and they have pretty much no nutritional value whatsoever.  Then you can it and make it as tasty as anything that comes from a can can be.

PB&J Sandwich

I don’t understand how this product exists.  It’s a can that contains, individually wrapped, bread, peanut butter and jelly.  So like, if you can’t manage getting bread, PB and J on your own in your home, or if you’re for some reason in a hurry but still don’t want to eat any better than a neglected third grader, here you go.

This seems to be the ultimate in laziness to me.  I actually saw some dudes (CultMoo on Youtube, check ‘em out) eat one and they seemed to think it was great.  And really, if it’s fresh bread, it’s hard to screw this up.  But that doesn’t make it not sad.  If this is for your kids, make them a sandwich with your damn hands instead, you soulless abomination.

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