The way I see it, an I may be totally wrong, there are two main reasons to become a doctor. First, and hopefully most often, you want to help people. That’s the best and most noble reason to get into medicine. Second, and probably more likely than we want to admit, is money. Doctors make good cash, so if you have the skill (and sometimes even if you don’t) it’s a good direction to go in life. But neither of those reasons fully justifies some of the specialties doctors can get into. These, the saddest doctors of all.
Obviously this was going to be on the list and I include it not to pander to that obviousness but to make sure we’re all on the same page because I feel that people tend to use proctology as a joke without ever thinking of the ramifications. Like “oh man, he’s an ass doctor, har har” and somehow that is the joke.
Listen, I’m going to be honest with you, I like asses. Show me a woman with a nice ass and I’ll show you the door because I’m busy now looking at that nice ass so you have t leave. I think as is great. The problem, you see, with an ass doctor is that no one goes to the ass doctor because their ass is in stellar shape. This is the fact that compounds the awfulness of an ass doctor’s chosen profession – you would only ever dream of seeing an ass doctor when something is so dreadfully wrong with your ass that neither you nor your family doctor or a clinic doctor can fix it. Your ass is so screwed up, you need a specialist to address the issue. And that means, as a proctologist, you must have extensive knowledge in the wrongness of ass. Good God. What possessed you to do this? What curse on your family name drove you to specialize in terrible ailments of the ass? That’s so tragic. So very tragic.
The flip side of the coin from proctologists and their jokes are gynecologists. Rarely will someone in Western society make it to adulthood these days without running afoul of a tasteless joke about gynecology that is usually told in the spirit of it being some kind of perverted-awesome vocation. And like most musings on the proctologist, these ones miss the boat entirely because, as you must realize, the gynecologist rarely gets patients showing up who just want to show off how awesome their vagina is.
The best a gynecologist can hope for in their line of work is checkups and pregnant patients. Because that’s business as usual down there. But you know that they must also be seeing their fair share of nightmarginas, terrible beasts of the crotchal domain that bear little resemblance to the beautiful flower we all know and love.
Any number of terrible vaginal conditions will take someone to see a gynecologist ad they have to get right in there and look around, maybe poke stuff, maybe apply ointments – it’s a whole ordeal. It’s not for the faint of heart.
A foot doctor. Come on. The foot is the most unappealing part of any living thing’s body. I appreciate there are fetishists out there who have elevated the foot to a sexual object of great beauty and desire, but I contend they do that precisely because the foot is so funky fugly in the first place, it’s a kind of taboo thrill to be aroused by it. A foot is your stump, it’s your load bearing part, it’s the utilitarian tool by which you locomote. There’s nothing charming about it, it’s the most mechanical part of yo next to your hands which seem to at least have been designed for delicate and graceful tasks while your feet excel at plodding and kicking, basically making them the hippos of your bodily zoo.
To specialize in the foot as a doctor is to specialize in who gives a shit. Of course they’re important, every part of your body is important or we wouldn’t have them, but they’re pretty lumpy and ungainly at the best of times. It’s like becoming a race car driver and then buying a Yugo.
Some people don’t consider these people doctors and rightly so – no offense dentists but you must appreciate what a terrible world you live in. Everyone has a disgusting mouth, I know this because has anyone ever gone to the dentist and heard the dentist tell them how nice their teeth are? Hell no. Maybe it’s seething bitterness, but every dentist I have ever heard of has told everyone I have ever asked that they need to brush better, floss better, visit more often and stop eating shit all the time. Every dentist you have ever been to has hated your mouth and every other mouth they’ve ever seen, and this is why – it’s a terrible job. Bad breath, tooth decay and people who react in abject terror at the sight of them. Have you seen someone panic at the dentist before? Now imagine how the dentist feels, knowing day in and day out that people hate them – literally hate them. And not even for any reason, just because they provide a useful and necessary service that happens to hurt like shit.
The life of a dentist is awful.
There’s a legitimate need in the world for cosmetic surgeons, people who have been in particularly bad accidents or assaults may require reconstructive and cosmetic surgery as a part of their recovery process so the specialization has its place. That said, everyone who practices plastic surgery for the benefit of the rich, vain and vacuous is kind of awful. Butt implants? Fake abdominal muscles? Cutting apart the bones in someone’s shins to make them a few inches taller? That’s pretty much insane. And horribly unnecessary.
A plastic surgeon is basically someone who arguably has the intelligence and the skill to heal the sick and help the dying but who instead opts to make the boobs of a 60 year old woman look like the boobs of a 20 year old woman because it pays better. That’s soul-blackeningly awful.