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The 5 Strongest Reasons to Oppose Gay Marriage

Gay people getting married has consumed more of our collective time in the last decade or so than any of us could possibly imagine.  Many of you probably think all of this effort to stop two people from getting married could have been better spent focusing on literally any other aspect of society that needs real solutions – from crime to poverty to the environment.  But you’d be wrong.  Indeed, the reasons to oppose gay marriage are plentiful, but the problem is you’ve probably only heard the bad ones.  It threatens the definition of traditional marriage?  That literally makes no sense.  Threatens the traditional family unit?  So does lazy ass, inept straight parents.  No, those reasons are the ones spouted by the fools. These are the real reasons.  Pay heed, because we’re all about to reap a whirlwind.

Sasquatch Attacks

“On July 24, 2011 same sex marriage became legal in New York State.  By 9:00 am on July 25th, over 300 citizens had been savaged by Sasquatch.” – Governor Andrew Cuomo at a press conference on July 28th, 2011, addressing growing concerns of Sasquatch violence in the state.

Sasquatch attacks have risen 5000% since gay marriage was legalized in NY state.  Given that California is known Sasquatch country, it is likely that Sasquatch violence will be even more prevalent there now that Proposition 8 has been  shut down.  In America we trade our freedom to not be beaten by Sasquatch for our freedom to let two guys argue miserably over whose in-laws should come to Thanksgiving dinner.

Sasquatch hates gay due to a life in the forest with bears.   It’s just a fact.  Allowing gay marriage is allowing Sasquatch violence.  Fact.

Government Enforced Make Out Sessions

A common argument in support of gay marriage is that whatever two people do in the privacy of their own homes is their own business and why should the government or anyone else concern themselves with the personal lives and happiness of perfect strangers?  If no one is getting hurt, why should the rest of us being involved?  This stance sounds perfectly reasonable on paper but it overlooks one key facet of gay marriage – government enforced make out sessions.

For every gay couple that gets married, a heterosexual is legally required to open mouth kiss a homosexual.  Often time the same heterosexual will have to kiss multiple homosexuals on multiple occasions while government officials watch and snicker.   Allowing gay marriage is allowing the government to tell you, a heterosexual, to open mouth kiss any and every stray homosexual it feels like.

CO2

Liberals butthurt over global warming and climate change like it’s going out of style.  To begin with, there is no scientific consensus on the subject, and even if there was, no one agrees that CO2 is a harmful gas.  CO2 makes up the bulk of our atmosphere and plants need Co2 to make oxygen.  If anything, we need more CO2 to have more air to breathe.  It’s just science.  But if we are to believe these tree huggers then we must acknowledge the root cause of most of the CO2 emissions in the world today – homosexuals.

Numerous noted physicians have written papers and reports on the subject and it is clear that during homosexual acts, homosexuals emit nearly three times as much CO2 gas as the average American manufactured automobile travelling 10 miles.  That’s for each homosexual act.

Allowing homosexual marriage is tacit acceptance of and contribution to global warming (assuming global warming even exists.  Like if it does, this is why).

Gay Infection

This is straight from Wikipedia;

All known homosexual species possess venom and use it primarily to infect or make fabulous their prey; in general, it is fast-acting, allowing for effective prey capture. It is also used as a defense against conservatives. The venom is a mixture of compounds (neurotoxins, enzyme inhibitors, glitter, etc.) each not only causing a different effect, but possibly also targeting a specific breed of heterosexual. Each compound is made and stored in a pair of glandular sacs and is released in a quantity regulated by the homosexual itself.  Infection by this toxin is commonly known by science to be the source of gay.

Allowing gay marriage will encourage gays to reproduce super gay babies (believed to be incubated in the butt) and further the spread of the homosexual agenda.

Glee

Homosexuals are a festive people and are prone to song and dance.  Witness the famous homosexuals such as Elton John, John Travolta and Prince.  Though the use of subliminal messaging, the homosexual uses their music to indoctrinate youth into a homosexual cabal that leads to things like Broadway, school musicals and programs such as Glee.   Allowing homosexuals to marry will give them legal rights to conspire with their homosexual mates in the production of mind-altering show tunes that spread tolerance and appreciation for the homosexual agenda.

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