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The 5 Worst Card Games Found Online

Playing cards have existed since the Tang Dynasty in China, Tang being the most awesome and party-filled Dynasty of them all.  Since that time they’ve evolved into one of the most timeless, reliable and fun ways to pass the time.  Poker, blackjack, solitaire on every computer since text-based solitaire on DOS systems.  But for all the awesomeness, for every trip to Vegas and every poker night with the guys, there’s someone out there with a website trying to hatch a new card game that just sort of falls flat or, for lack of a better term, sucks wind.  So next time you’re cursing out a game of Hearts when you should be working remember, it could be worse.

Kinky Cards

 

Any time you’re “learning” something new from Cosmo magazine it’s a pretty good bet that you’re in for an awful, ridiculous time.  Their efforts at teaching fun, sexy card games are no different.  Everyone knows that the only fun, sexy card game you’ll ever need to know is strip poker but for whatever reason people keep trying to make new ones which is why we end up with stuff like Kinky Cards.

The name almost sounds promising until you read what it’s about.  Basically you assign a meaning to each suit and the number represents the number of seconds you have to engage in whatever it is you’ve assigned to the suit.  So if Spades means “sexy dance” then a 5 of Spades means a 5 second sexy dance.  Sounds great, huh?  5 seconds.  You can’t even pass a fart in 5 seconds, what kind of sexy fun are you having in 5 seconds?  Draw a King and you get 10 solid seconds of sadness.

If your relationship is in such dire straits that 10 seconds of toe sucking is going to add some spiciness to it then you need to reconsider what the two of you are even doing together.

Kissing Jacks

 

At the tragic end of the sexy games for couples scale is this site which offers up the laziest in suggestion making.  What would make Crazy 8’s sexy?  Hmm, maybe we should be sexy when an 8 is played.  What could make Spades sexy?  Hmm, maybe say something sexy when you play a spade.  Take a guess what makes Gin Rummy sexy.  If you guessed all the eroticism of a fart in a phone booth, you’re right.  Because all the original card games were invented decades ago, all new variations basically consist of taking a game that exists and tossing turds at it in the hopes no one will complain.

The jewel in this site’s crown is probably Kissing Jacks.  Get a pen and paper so you can write this down, if you can maintain fine motor control amidst all the sexy feelings.  First, get a deck of cards.  Next, deal all the cards. Take turns flipping the cards and then you slap the Jacks and kiss or some such, I dunno I had to stop reading due to severe brain softening.

It’s safe to assume your relationship is in a bad place if this is the kind of intimacy you look forward to – kissing whenever someone slaps one of four cards in a deck

Drown the Clown

 

If you can’t find a sexy friend to play cards with there’s a good chance you can find a drunk one.  In fact, they made a whole city in Nevada based on this assumption.  So if you’re in the mood to play a card game that allows you to keep drinking, why not a drinking card game?  Here’s why – Drown the Clown.

Inexplicably this game requires four people to play and transpires thusly – you all discard.  If two cards match the two players point at each other and yell clown.  Are you still with me?  Do you need a drink yet? Whoever yelled it first gets to make the other person drink as much as they like.  Repeat until dead.

I feel like I should be continuing the story in a new paragraph here but there’s really nothing else to say beyond calling someone a clown, and the irony of how everyone would be lucky to aspire to becoming a clown after engaging in this sad, sad game.

 Barbu

Good golly.  This is a game for four people that takes about forever to finish.  You know how you hate Monopoly because it can go forever and it drives you insane until you start twitching under your eye and you just hurl a handful of hotels across the room as you storm off?  Now imagine that with cards, and longer.

Barbu here consists of 8 smaller games.  You have to deal the cards 32 damn times.  All 8 games for all four dealers.  It’s like an exercise in madness.  Who will be the first to snap and try to murder the other players?  Each hand is literally an entire card game so by signing on for this you’re agreeing to play 32 games in a row.  What mad man would ever do such a thing? What madder man could actually do it and what asylum houses four like-minded people who could pull this off?

One of the fundamental rules for any game is that it needs to be playable in a reasonable, non-brain shattering amount of time.  Forcing 32 games in a row upon people is cruel.  And this doesn’t even take into account what the site says about doubling, which I read three times before I swore out loud and then ignored.    No sure what I mean?  Read this madness;

After the dealer deals out thirteen cards to each player, there is a round of doubling. Each player in turn, starting with the player on dealer’s left and proceeding clockwise, can choose to double any subset of the other three players (or pass, doubling no one.) If you are doubled by another player, you may choose to redouble them. Dealer may not double anyone, but may redouble anyone who doubles him. After the round of doubling, there is a round of redoubling, in which players may choose to redouble players who have redoubled them (but no new doubling can take place.)

So basically I can double you but then you have to redouble me and if I get redouble I can redouble you back and also don’t forget that I literally have no idea what this means.

War

Everyone has played War and not a single human has ever enjoyed it.  You could be drunk, medicated and suffering head trauma and still be able to register how terrible War is.  Clearly devised by the laziest man ever, the entire game of War is based on nothing.  There’s no strategy involved and, coincidentally, no fun or reward.  You just put cards down at random and if your card is the highest you win.  Unless you put the same card down then you go to “lame ass” war, at which point you up the stakes with 3 face down cards and then flip the next one and win or lose as chance dictates because strategy has no place here.

If you Google strategy for this game you’ll get a few hundred results.  This is noteworthy because they is literally no strategy for this game at all.  Ever.  Some sites claim that there can be strategy in the way you place the cards you’ve won at the bottom of your deck but of course that’s ridiculous because how will you know what your opponent is ever going to play once the deck comes around again?  Sure, an ace will win but what could ever make you think putting an 8 before a 5 will pay off for you in a hand that gets played 13 cards from now.  I’ll give you a hint, it rhymes with jack squat.

You could play War with a monkey and the game would turn out exactly the same.  In fact, you could play War with yourself and it would be no different than playing with Stephen Hawking or Amarillo Slim unless someone willingly cheats.  How many sites will tell you how to play this awful game?  Literally millions.  Millions of websites gleefully share the knowledge of this awful game because at some point in our history we realized there’s only so much you can do with 52 cards in four suits.  And then they made War.

You want to have some fun with cards, get some buddies together for a poker night, or try your hand at some Blackjack, or hell, play a game of Fish with your kids.  There’s countless fun, classic games out there.  Stay away from sexy, drunk War, though.

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