Continuing our exploration into the world of moustache as proud partners of Movember, which you ca learn more about over here, we’re delving into some existential moustachery today. The only reason any man has a moustache is to send a message. Now what that message is may differ from man to man. For instance, here are a few common messages sent by moustaches;
- I can’t afford a razor
- I’m too lazy to shave
- Ladies, I have a lot of testosterone
- Until recently I had been incarcerated in a 3rd world prison
More than any other message, however, is the message any man needs to send to other men and women as well, and that message is “Hey, I’m a total badass.” You can’t just walk up to someone and say it because then no one will believe you. You need to say it without words. You need to say it with hair. Hair on your face.
Facial hair is a throwback to our evolutionary ancestors. Our ape-like brethren who needed to club one another about the head and shoulders in order to secure shelter, food and hump buddies. It was the way of the world back then. As time went on and we developed easier ways to attain these things, hair almost vanished entirely from our bodies, except for a few people you see on the beach and getting very sweaty at clubs. But facial hair remained and we managed to maintain it in such a way as to send a message to that ancient part of our brain where we keep our most primal fears; things like sabretooth cats, fire and, yes, the moustache. And now, the most intimidating moustaches of all!
Magnum was a Hawaiian private investigator who lived at the guest house of a millionaire, had free reign over the property including a Ferrari, worked whatever hours he felt like and dressed like a total burnout every day of his life. His strength? Kick ass moustache.
Unlike other famed, moustache-less investigators, your Batmen, your Sam Spades, your Phillip Marlowes, Magnum never had a shit to give. Did he ever investigate anything with more than the effort you’d put into investigating who drank the last beer? Of course not. But he had that moustache and that in turn meant he was surrounded by chicks in bikinis all the time. It’s possible Magnum just called himself a PI for no reason whatsoever, we may never know, but what we do know is that, when it comes to at least convincing people you know what you’re doing to the point that they let you live at their mansion and use their Ferrari, a moustache of Selleckian proportions is all you need.
Stache Skill level: Magnum could get your mom in the sack without even asking. Your mom’s dirty.
Terry “Hulk Hogan” Bollea has been wrestling professional for 67 years. He has more belts than your mom and even though that means nothing in the world of a scripted sport, it’s still impressive. What was the key to his success? Point of fact, Killer Kowalski once said he suspected his grandmother was a better wrestler than Hogan, or something very near that, whilst making fun of Hogan’s signature leg drop move. Hulk Hogan would be as effective in a real fight as a Holy Taco editor would be at a porn shoot. But that was never the key to Hogan’s success.
If you watched Hogan in his prime, he was a master of getting a crowd pumped. He could punch a guy once and leave him fumbling around the ring for a solid 10 minutes whole Hogan went from turnbuckle to turnbuckle, putting his hand to his ear and getting the crowd to cheer for him and people bought it. Most of those people were toddlers and medicated grade schoolers, but they grew into medicated adults who are responsible for wrestling being as popular as it is today.
The only constant in Hogan’s long, long, looooooooong career? The handlebar ‘stache. Like Samson, the source of the his power and the thing that has convinced countless toddlers and guys who cite their bosses not “getting them” as reason for multiple firings that he is one bad ass dude.
Stache Skill Level: Hogan defeated Andre the Giant because Andre recognized the power of the stache. In the real world, Andre the Giant could have literally taken off this man’s head and shit down his neck with such force he would have exploded.
Ever since Cocoon and numerous oatmeal commercials, people have tried to portray Wilford Brimley as either a kindly grandfather or a walrus. Neither of these is true. Maybe it’s just us and our unusual reaction to oatmeal shills, but Brimley always seems one diabeetus rant away from killing everyone in the neighborhood with a gardening trowel.
If you saw the original Thing (which is to say the original remake by John Carpenter) then you saw Brimley without a moustache and he was like a sad old man trying to ensure Kurt Russell’s demise at the hands of an unpredictable alien. The moment he grew that facial mudflap he became like a retired CIA operative who wants to enjoy his autumn years in a place where the voices in his head can be silenced by the babbling of a brook or some whippoorwills but so help me God if you talk out of turn one more time I will hunt you down with an Armalite AR-10 carbine gas-powered semi-automatic weapon and Swiss that cheese ball you call a head until the wind whistles Camptown Races through it.
Stache Skill Level: DIABEETUS! It doesn’t need to make sense, just go with it.
The lovable tramp from yesteryear, Charlie Chaplin was to comedy what your grandfather was to your grandmother’s lady parts – he owned that shit. And it wasn’t just bowler hats and canes, it was his moustache. You may recognize the Chaplin moustache as the Hitler ‘stache, but Chaplin wore it as far back as 1915 when it was just called the Toothbrush moustache. That, of course, wasn’t particularly intimidating but since it’s now generally known for the murderous dictator who wore it some years later, it didget an upgrade.
Chaplin wore the moustache because he thought it was funny. Hitler wore it and killed 6 million Jews. By the transitive property of us not understanding what transitive properties are, Chaplin thought it was funny that his moustache was a machine of human suffering. Beat that, soul patches.
Stache Skill Level – In what would be the most meta old timey movie ever, Chaplin parodied Hitler in The Great Dictator, single handedly becoming the first guy ever to openly mock the craziest bastard of all time.
The single most badass President in the history of the Unite States, Teddy Roosevelt, as you can see, literally rode moose. Did you know if you hit a moose with your car, you’ll do more damage to your car than to the moose? He’s riding one. And he ran the country. Bill Clinton rode an intern.
Teddy Roosevelt had a black belt in Jiu Jitsu before it was cool – he was born in 1858, meaning he was likely the only white man in America who could do flying spin kicks. He carried a gun on his hip in the White House and he was a champion boxer, so he could kill you with his hands when his feet and gun got tired.
Roosevelt was known as a safari fan and not only killed elephants (which was manly before it became barbaric and awful), he also killed malaria. Or at least he survived it.
In 1912, a man tried to assassinate Roosevelt and shot him right in chest. The bullet passed through his glasses case, his 50 page speech and then his chest. Roosevelt diagnosed himself as not being in danger since he wasn’t coughing blood, and went on to deliver his speech rather than seeking medical attention. Afterwards, doctors determined the bullet had gone about 3 inches to his chest and was lodged in some muscle and would be too dangerous to remove, so he kept it in his chest for the rest of his life.
All of this was thanks to Roosevelt’s moustache.
Stache Skill Level: Roosevelt was shot and had malaria once. The rest of us take the day off work when we have a hangover.
If you know surrealism, you know Dali. If you know cheesy poster prints of famous paintings or Looney Tunes cartoons that featured that annoying Dodo bird, you may inadvertently known Dali. What you may not know is that his full name was Salvador Domènec Felip Jacint Dalí i Domènech, and he made terrible movies. He was mostly an artist but really, it shouldn’t be overlooked that he was awful when it came to film. Un Chien Andalou is unwatchable. Like Michael Bay unwatchable.
Despite being responsible for surrealism, an artistic movement mired in more bullshit than reality TV, Dali did have one thing going for him, and that was a kick ass moustache. You might look at it now, on the safety of your screen, and think it’s maybe goofy, or weird, or queer as an afternoon boat ride, but try to honestly say if that man with that moustache chose to stand next to you at a urinal, you wouldn’t feel completely uneasy. And if you think you’d kick his ass or something, remember that Dali lived his entire life as a surrealist bullshit extravaganza. If you try to punch him, he’ll probably pull a hen in rubber pants out of his own pants. If you kick him, he’ll vomit chartreuse custard. If you grapple with him, you’ll end up in a hypercube naked. There’s no real way to win a fight against Dali. Avoid his moustache at all costs.
Stache Skill Level: Dali once went to a Halloween party with his wife dressed as the Lindbergh baby and kidnapper. To put that in context, it would be like you going as Casey Anthony and her daughter. That takes equal parts balls and douche.