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The 6 Times You Actually Need a Cell Phone

It’s 2012 and people in 3rd world countries who can’t afford clean water or food have cell phones.  There are people, right now, flopping poop patties into rusted wheelbarrows talking on their cell phones to guys the next country over who are unloading the poop flops into baskets to take to market in a society where people pay for baskets of shit.  They pay for the shit baskets with bottle caps and monkeys paws because they don’ even have real money.  But dammit, they have cellular service.

The sad truth of the matter is few people need cell phones.  You have one and you’ve probably never needed the damn thing.  I’ve never done a single worthwhile thing with mine.  If you call me when I’m out, I don’t want to talk to you and do you know why?  I’m out.  Obviously there’s a reason for that, I didn’t lose my memory and am now desperately searching for some manner of remembrance of the man I once was.  I’m probably buying guavas.  Screw off, don’t bother me.  But you will bother me, if I have a cell phone.  Just like everyone bothers you.  And we let it happen.

Truth be told, we only need a cell phone for a handful of occasions when a land line just won’t do.  These are, in fact, the only times when a cell phone has a purpose.  Otherwise you can grin and bear it like our caveman ancestors did and wait till you get back to the hovel to give Ogg a call.

The Bathroom

This seems counter intuitive as you probably think the bathroom is the last place you’re ever likely to need a phone.  And, for the most part, that’s true.  You don’t actually need the telephone portion of your phone in the bathroom.  But if all your cell phone does is make calls then it’s 1996 and you’re time traveling on the internet to read this.  That’s crazy.

Thanks to the advent of Smart Phones, a misnomer for the ages, you can sit on the crapper and play literally thousands of games.  You can write stories and teach yourself Spanish and God knows what else during the time that, previously, was limited pretty much to idle thought or reading the odd magazine.  Unless you’re one of those freaks with a TV in the bathroom, in which case you have greater issues than I’m qualified to deal with.

For most of human history time on the toilet has been not just wasted time, but time when you literally just have to sit in a room with your own feces and do nothing else.  We can go to the moon, it’s our right and even out duty to do something while crapping other than just be crapping.


I said it before and I’ll say it again, if you’re out, you’re out.  Why must you always be available to talk on the phone?  What the hell do you have to say that’s so important?  If every single cell phone call I have ever overheard in the entire history of cellular phones is any indication, the answer is nothing.  No one has ever had an important conversation on a cell phone.  That said, here’s a case when it could be handy – if you’re being murdered.

Statistics indicate no one wants to be murdered and, if given the option, people would put a stop to that shit post haste.  So if you find yourself in a predicament with Kurt Russell chasing you down the street in his souped up, reinforced car or a really pale fellow who looks like William Shatner is stalking you with a knife because you sell that shitty Activia yogurt (hope everyone followed that reference, took a minute to think it up), a cell phone could be a life saver.  Literally.

Grocery Shopping

This entry is a total cop out, but a necessary one.  In a perfect world we’d all be smart enough to write grocery lists or at least have half an idea what we need at the grocery store.  In the real world, an hour after you’re done putting the groceries away you realize you planned on making eggplant Parmesan and forget Parmesan, a full 50% of the named ingredients in the dish that still somehow eluded you when you were buying the rest of the ingredients.

Thanks to cell phones, you can call and be called, while shopping, to ensure you don’t accidentally buy 10 gallons of strawberry daiquiri mix when all you actually needed to get was bread because your children are starving.


Is this a filler entry that’s pretty much exactly the same as mid-murder?  No, of course not.  There’s a huge difference between pre murder and mid murder that, on a basic level, has a lot to do with stab wounds.  But on a more subtle level has something to do with the idea of emergency preparedness.

If you know you’re about to be murdered, call someone.

If you see a trail a flaming gas leading to a gas truck, go ahead and call someone.

If you notice the support beams in the parking structure of your massive workplace are strapped with homemade TNT, please call someone.

When you hear someone the next car over at a red light on a cell phone talking to their friend Bubba about how the store brand of Cheetos leave too much orange goo on their fingers that then ends up on the dog, the furniture and their balls, you’re witnessing an abuse of a cell phone.  This is no pre-murder scale emergency and does not need to happen.  Are you getting brain cancer for this?

Police Brutality

Let’s preface this by saying we’re not libertarian extremists and we fully believe in and appreciate law enforcement.  It’s necessary and helps keep society going as smoothly as we manage to keep it going.  That said, like every pint of strawberries at the grocery store that seems to have that one furry, half liquid one hidden down under the good looking ones, many police precincts seem to have accidentally hired a gaggle of assholes to work amongst the good ones.  If you need proof of this head to youtube.

As it happens, police abuse is kind of insane and it’s not a new thing.  It’s a new thing that we can see it now because everyone has a cell phone to record it.  If you think no one was being beaten by the cops in the 1980s it’s because you didn’t stop to think about.  Of course someone under arrest is going to say the cops beat them and no one is going to question it.  Everyone in prison says they’re innocent and the cops beat them.  Things is, thanks to cell phone cameras, now we get to see that, oh crap, a lot of those people weren’t lying.  The cops really do beat people.  A lot.  In fact, they’re the last people to figure out that everyone has a damn cell phone and is recording them.  So if you want to know what cop is going to beat you, look for the one too stupid to notice you’re filming him.  Then protect your head.

Celebrity Hijinks

Like our friends the police officers gone mad, celebrities have to watch themselves in public.  Unlike the cops it’s not because it’s a horrible abuse of trust and authority, it’s just because people, for some reason, give a shit what famous people do and they have to pretend like they’re better than they are lest they be judged by countless strangers.  You can be a part of that by filming them when they do silly shit!

Is that Shia Labeouf punching a paparazzo?  Snap a picture.  Is Lindsay Lohan about to run over a bunch of nuns as she drives away from the Wendy’s drive-thru without paying?  May as well film it.  Are you currently in the middle of a sex act with a Kardashian?  Sorry to hear it, but film it anyway, it’ll be worth some yuks on the internet.

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