It’s a scientific fact that the Masters of the Universe was awesome. Few things are cooler than a cartoon based around an action figure, both meant to promote the other in an incestuous sword and sorcery romp with green cats and bird people. With the ridiculous abundance of characters in the universe it’s no surprise that some got served a heaping helping of awesome powers while some got less awesome, also known as hyper-shitastic-lame-ass powers. Let’s do the world a humanitarian service and check out the best of the best from the world of Eternia.
Arguably the creative development team at Mattell consisted of the greatest minds in all of toydom as they managed to scheme together to develop a character named Stinkor whose power was to stink. It’s not even a by-product of some better power or an ancillary ability while his real power was to turn corn into acid that melted people’s faces at picnics. His power was “magical control over his own stench” according to Wikipedia, which is supremely awesome in every way and something that probably a few hobos have attempted to aspire to.
Some people underestimate how awesome seeing can be, but not Tri Klops. You can tell because his name is all optical and shit. He also has three eyes. He can only use one at a time on the front of his face like he’s some kind of cybernetic penis-face man.
Since there was a comic book and cartoon series’, there are some conflicts in the nature of Tri Klops and his powers, but if you want to focus on the best of the best, and of course I do, then he was essentially just a guy with three eyes that spun around. One could see far, one could see at night and one could see through things. None could provide depth perception, as far as I know. So when it came to data entry or any fine modeling work, stuff like that, Tri Klops was probably not your guy.
If you’re going to be the only black man on all of Eternia, you better be pretty awesome. Clamp Champ was that black man. Clamp Champ was, as his name implies, awesome. The Champ never made it to the cartoon because they stopped making it before he showed up, but he did look an awful lot like OJ Simpson and, also as his name implies, he had a clamp. Boy, what a champ.
Clamp Champ’s big clamp was stuck to his arm, maybe by clamps, and mostly it clamped onto stuff. You know the way clamps do that? That’s what his clamp did.
One of the most famous of all the Masters of the Universe, there’s no doubt Fisto was the master of something thanks to his giant ass fist. Look at that fist. Look at your fist. Now look at that giant ass fist again. My God, that’s something.
In the 2002 cartoon series, which of course I never watched by am referencing like I know what I’m talking about, Fisto’s hand is actually real. Like his own hand is just a big ass hand, and the metal fist is a gauntlet he wears over it. So I like to think Fisto was just quite the masturbator in a world where magic exists and thus his hobby granted him a magically large catcher’s mitt. So, to reiterate, he just has a big hand.
What if a man had a robotic elephant head instead of a human head? Wouldn’t he be the greatest hero ever, at least in terms of being able to snort and then squirt shit? The answer, according to scholars and theologians, is of course. And so we have Snout Spout. He’s a guy with an elephant head, he can squirt out of that nose, and he can be a hero.
I read somewhere once that an elephant can hold about 8 liters of fluid in its trunk, so at a party, depending on how gross you found it, he could carry around like 1/7 of a keg of beer in that thing, or 4 bottles of Coke. Plus, in a fight, a couple gallons of god knows what could be useful to squirt in someone’s face, right? Maybe he fills that bad boy with pepper spray and squirts it all over peaceful protestors on a college campus. That’ll show ‘em.
There’s something to be said about being able to suck well, but much if that is best left to other websites. In the He Man Universe, unfortunately for everyone, much of the sucking was done by a character named Leech. Get it? Leech. Because he sucks, like a leech. He Man characters were all named after a panel of Nobel Laureates and Rhodes Scholars got wasted on peyote and voted on sounds they heard in the night that could be considered names.
Leech’s action figure had suction cup hands, so if you wanted to, you could lick your dirty toy that had been lying around your filthy child room full of bilge and decay, and then stick him to windows and walls and shit and none of the other characters could logically get to him without the power of flight. And still some asshole friend would just lift He Man up and knock Leech down and you’d be all “Dickhead, I understand you possess the power of lifting that toy, but in the context of the game we’re playing, that son of a bitch doesn’t fly, so you put my Leech back on the wall, you keep your goddamn He Man on the ground, or I will bust all the limbs off your Man-at-Arms and flush that shit down the toilet.”
Since there’s more than one way to suck, it’s a good thing the He Ma universe capitalized on suckability by creating a second sucker who sucked in a whole different way – Mosquitor. He has the powers of a big Mosquito, minus the communicable disease. At least they never included the diseases because the show got cancelled before he was included but it’s possible he was the He Man universes version of Typhoid Mary. Or Tom Hanks in Philadelphia. I never saw that movie but I assume what I just inferred about it was correct.
Mosquitor had a big sucky schnozz and could suck the blood or power or will to love from his enemies. Maybe other stuff. Gross stuff. Inappropriate stuff. Who’s to say? But that’s what makes it awesome.