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The 7 People You Meet In A Mall Riot

Mall of America is one of America’s temples — our holy lands, if you will — of consumerism. It’s like a cathedral constructed to honor the gods of credit cards, seasonal sales, and big plates of generic food court Chinese food.

A gang of ruffians incited a riot in the Mall of America in Minnesota on Monday, thus sullying one of our holiest of holies. Was this riot sparked by some fed up Occupy Wallstreeters rallying against corporate greed and consumerism? Was this a Tea Party demonstration that got out of control?


It was all because some people thought Lil’Wayne and Drake were in the mall. Not even to perform. Someone thought two musicians were in the mall to shop, so everyone robbed each other as a response.  And their presence in the Mall of America wasn’t even confirmed. Some guy probably just made up some bullshit and everyone lost their minds, like some form of unexplainable case of hip hop-centric mass hysteria; as if when the words “Drake” and “Lil’Wayne” are spoken in the same sentence it triggers our dormant hypnotic suggestion and it makes us kill. Ultimately, no one actually knows how the riot was sparked.

The idea of a riot in a mall is silly to me, for some reason. Having grown up surrounded by malls and mall culture I like to imagine the various mall stereotypes as action figure characters.

Sexually Frustrated Housewives with Shopping Bag Swinging Action!


They may look rail thin and inflated with collagen, but those bags are filled with many pounds of sharp high heel shoes and dense bottles of Channel No. 5!

Hyperactive Children with Chocolate-Stained Lips

Boy eating chocolate

How else are you going to get little Timmy to shut his damn mouth? Why, by giving him the sugar rush he needs to ultra-annoying for an additional 15 minutes, destroying all in his wake, before passing out in the Toys’R’Us.


Balding Men Carrying Their Wives’ Purses

Blading man holding purse

They’d rather be somewhere else…and they’ll do anything they have to do to get there. Anything.


Disenfranchised Teenage Girls with Last Year’s Phone

They may be frivolous wastes of space, but their concept of human life is even more frivolous! And with the simple push of one of their emotional buttons, they will burst in to hysterical tears and will rant about living under some form of persecution. All within a 10 foot radius will become frightened of the teenaged horror!


Disgruntled Pretzel Stand Employee

They know how to bend you in grotesque ways. And they ways pour the salt on thick…in to your wounds!


A Hollister-Scented Perfume Cloud


This creature, once thought unintelligent, shows signs of sentience and a hunger for nasal passages. The Hollister-scented perfume cloud has no allegiances, but it can be harnessed and weaponized if you and your faction have the patience to woo one of those dumbass Hollister girls. The perfume cloud is a lion; the Hollister girls, the lion tamers.

The Janitor That Roams The Back Passageways


With his array of harsh chemicals, the janitors know a thing or two about chemical warfare! Plus, he comes with a lipstick camera that watches you pee!

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