Well, another year is wrapping up and it’ll be ages before we get to our next douchebag tournament. But in that time, you might forget about the douches that were over this past illustrious year, and what a briny year it was. Worse yet, this year was chock-a-block with douches who will probably be douches all over again next year. Yes, gone are the day when assholes do something assholey and are shamed into hiding. Now, they get a renewed season of their TV show and can be an asshole again in a new city 9 months down the road. Sad, really. But anyway, let’s check out the douches of yesterday who will soon be the douches of tomorrow.
Douchiest Moment: Tie between not having any idea about anything regarding foreign policy whatsoever, quoting Pokemon or not recalling how he porks anything that smells like Avon.
Future Douchenings: Cain has dropped out of the running for President but his high exposure campaign and his brief stint as the front runner for the GOP nomination means that Cain will probably never go away now. Like all disgraced Republicans, he’ll probably turn up on FOX news on a fairly regular basis, he’ll give his unwanted opinions on the state of the union throughout 2012 and beyond and, arguably, he’ll find a way to top Godfather’s pizzas with pepperoni in the shape of all the women he claims he’s never banged, fondled or showed his weiner to.
Douchiest Moment: I guess it’d be the second time he predicted the end of the world, and it didn’t happen. For a second time.
Future Douchenings: Seeing as the world didn’t end, that also means Harold Camping didn’t end and that means he’s free to continue to let us know when the world is going to end and then look mildly awkward and stupid on camera the day after the world continues to be.
Douchiest Moment: Good lord, where to begin? The pseudo-Presidential campaign or the birther thing? Or maybe this debate.
Future Douchenings: Like all TV networks, NBC has no shame, so they will continue to pay Trump to do the Apprentice. Trump will continue not to realize people watch not because he’s inspiring or interesting but because it’s a farce and a trainwreck like all reality TV and he’s a cartoon of a man. If you’ve ever heard the man speak at length on any subject you’ll notice how similar he acts to a petulant 10 year old who thinks they have the best toys and doesn’t understand why no one likes that. That attitude will ensure he’s enough of a carny sideshow to be asked onto 24 hour news networks over and over again as a joke guest who’s not in on the joke.
Douchiest Moment: That cookbook. Here’s my favorite quote – “We’ve got a wood-burning pizza oven in the garden—a luxury, I know, but it’s one of the best investments I’ve ever made.” Seriously, up yours, Gwyneth.
Future Douchenings: Being famous, for whatever reason, means Gwyneth will always be in movies. The IMDb already has 3 listed. No word on wood-burning pizza ovens.
Douchiest Moment: Sham marriage, one must assume.
Future Douchenings: No one know where the Kardashians even came from so the odds on them going away are pretty hard to calculate. For now it’s safe to assume Kimmy plans on going to various cities with her various siblings and filming every boring, god-forsaken detail of her ridiculous life for E! because that the hell else are they going to air?
Douchiest Moment: Three way tie! Lady Hoggers, Kate Plus 8 & Jersey Shore
Future Douchenings: Here’s the thing – everyone makes fun of every show on TLC and MTV and now A&E has degraded into the most braindead of reality TV nightmares as well, so who the hell is watching this shit? Literally millions of people are watching Jersey Shore, ostensibly because they have the thumbs that allow them to operate a TV remote and that’s all MTV needs to get an audience but man…have some pride, people. Anyway, barring the acquisition of said pride, these channels will continue to churn out cookie-cutter bullshit reality garbage probably well into the future.
Douchiest Moment: You may want to assume this is the whole train wreck freak out US tour of dipshittery he went on, but we like to think it was actually the amazing turnaround after his Comedy Central roast when, apparently, he was just fine and all was forgiven and he was a normal actor again. What?
Future Douchenings: Last we heard, Sheen was looking to get back on TV. His Roast was one of the most watched shows in Comedy Central history, so yeah, he’ll be back on TV again. Maybe he can have a show about all the 9/11 conspiracies he believes, that’ll be fun.
Douchiest Moment: Have you ever read a tweet by Kutcher? There ya go.
Future Douchenings: Unfortunately for all of us, Kutcher is still allowed to be on television and even though normal people don’t watch Two and a Half Men, the show is still on. Plus, seems like Kutcher also has a habit of Herman Caining ladies, so that’ll get him in the news as well.