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The 8 Most Bad Ass Real Life Super Heroes (We Assume)

superheroes

If you’re the type of shut in who scans the news frequently fearing the encroaching apocalypse heralded by the recent spike in apparently mysterious animal deaths, or the apocalypse heralded by CBS sitcoms you may have heard the recent story of a superhero in Seattle who thwarted a carjacking.  An actual super hero named Phoenix Jones, which would also be a fine named for a band, a pimp or a porn star, leapt onto the scene of a would-be robbery and chased off the bad guys, saving the day for some random dude who was then accused of being a lying asshole by all his friends when he shared the story.

Phoenix Jones is a member of a Seattle-based superhero group who have popped up in the news a few times now and is one of a plethora of real life super heroes who can be found on the cleverly named Real Life Super Heroes website.  The site keeps you abreast of the comings and goings of costumed individuals who patrol city streets with tasers and pepper spray trying to prevent crimes and inexplicably not being so totally murdered.  And it also includes a a Registry, which is pretty much the most awesome thing on the internet that doesn’t include nipples; it’s just a catalog of all the currently registered heroes.  The upside; all kinds of awesome real hero pics.  The downside, not a lot of cool back story.  Lucky for you, Holy Taco is all about back story, so we figured we’d help some of these heroes out by sharing with you what we assume are their awesome origin tales.  Yeah!

Treesong

real superhero

Mysterious Origin:  Hippie environmental crusader Treesong started life as a mild-mannered oil baron whose motto “I hate everything except fossil fuel” seemed strangely pointless.  One balmy evening, after taking a pitcher of oil down to the beach so he could hand pour it on an otter, he was caught in the undertow and dragged into a swirly miasma of industrial runoff from his own pollution factory.  He also owned a pollution factory.  However, just when it seemed all was lost, a mystical sea cow pulled him to safety.  The two were merged by the industrial chemical and Treesong was reborn as an environmentally conscious guy who is half sea cow.

Entomo

real superhero

Mysterious Origin: Italian superhero Entomo could only handle so many Ginos.  As a mild mannered spaghetti baron, Entomo was selling bowls of hot and cold spaghetti down by the spaghetti fields when his family was set upon by Ginos. He watched in horror as his wife, mother, sisters and daughters were asked repeatedly if they wanted to dance, if they wanted a drink and if they wanted to make out while he and the men were blinded by gold chains and the glare off of sunglasses inexplicably worn indoors.

As Entomo, blinded by hair grease, struggled to free his family, his spaghetti cart flipped, scalding his body with white hot spaghetti and granting him powers beyond belief.

Mr. Jack

real superhero

Mysterious Origin:  Former adult novelty shop owner Hank “Restraining Order” Lucas was minding his own business in his shop, setting up a display of anatomically incorrect items when a meteor crashed through the roof.  The strange cosmic powers of the meteor merged with the toys and Lucas’ body turning him into a being of living latex and confused morality.  Choosing the name of his best selling item, Mr. Jack, the masked, cyberskin avenger was born.

Super Gay

real superhero

Mysterious Origin:  Already featured in an actual movie, Super Gay is Mexico’s homosexual crusader.  His origin is as exciting as his costume.  Years ago, completely straight Caucasian Larry Humphrey was about to enjoy some kettle corn and a new Western movie called Brokeback Mountain.  12 minutes into the film lightning struck and when Humphrey awoke he was both Mexican and a gay superhero.  Ole!

Crimson Fist

real superhero

Mysterious Origin:  NSFW

Skyman

real superhero

Mysterious Origin:  Wealthy aristocrat Percival Arcturus was known for his extravagant parties and lavish lifestyle, but also for his philanthropy and charitable works.  After having donated an entire wing to a hospital for the magically insane, a package arrived at Percival’s estate.  There was no sender information and the only thing contained within was a T-Shirt emblazoned with a bulls-eye and the word “sky” over the name Sky Man.

Percival, unable to resist, put on the shirt which, unknown to him at the time, had been enchanted by a mighty gypsy and also several native Shaman.  And maybe a werewolf, also.  Suddenly, Percival was possessed by the ancient spirit Sky Man, being who enjoys cargo pants and goatees and fights for justice!

Lady Hero

real superhero

Mysterious Origin: It was at a particularly mysterious soccer game for her 10 year olds Zack and Leslie that soccer mom Melinda Abbott discovered an ancient artifact under her cooler full of Sunny D and Lunchables.  The artifact, known to the Mayans as Xiatotlonxa, which can’t reasonably be pronounced, was a gift from the ancient Serpent God that bestowed its owner with great power.  However, it was pretty old at this point and had a crack in it, so when Melinda picked it up she became Lady Hero!

Nyx

real superhero

Mysterious Origin:  Mild mannered librarian Caitlin Schwartz usually kept to herself until one day, in the library, a team of thugs with guns staged an inexplicable library robbery.  With Caitlin amongst a handful of hostages, the robbers proceeded to empty the shelves of priceless Christopher Pike and Dean Koontz novels.  Fearful for her life, Caitlin clung to her most prized possession, an original printing of The 120 Days of Sodom. As she did so, the powers of the book’s writer, the Marquis de Sade, infused her with super debaucherous strength and a penchant for revealing clothing and leather.  She quickly subdued the thugs and has been fighting crime and occasionally posing for BDSM magazine spreads ever since.

4 Responses to "The 8 Most Bad Ass Real Life Super Heroes (We Assume)"

  1. suss2it says:

    You guys ever gonna have a byline so I know only to read Ian Fortey stuff?

  2. Mark says:

    Even if this site was funny and charming I still wouldn’t like it.

  3. Mike says:

    DUDE I SAW TREESONG AT A PARTY AT SIU