You always remember where you were when you lost your virginity, and most of the time you wish you could forget it.
8. THE BATHROOM OF A FRAT HOUSE
HOW IT WENT DOWN FROM HIS PERSPECTIVE: You were pretty excited for the Kappa Delta Gamma party, so you put on your favorite striped shirt, a few dabs of Drakkar Noir and headed out for the evening. After downing a large number of vodka shooters, lemon drops and a Coors Lite beer funnel, you spy the lady of your dreams. She’s mildly overweight, has a decent case of acne and coke-bottle glasses, but through your cheap booze goggles, she looks like a combination between Carmen Electra and Angelina Jolie. After a few minutes of chatting, you ask her if she would like to go to the bathroom. Her low self-esteem forces her to say yes and you are on your way. During intercourse over the the toilet you mistake one of her stomach rolls for a breast and fondle it for the entire 45 seconds of condomless sex. Once it’s over, you confidently return to the party and inform your friends of your endeavor, where you are called “Fatty Fats Fucker” and “Pork Chop Porker” for the rest of your college career.
HOW IT WENT DOWN FROM HER PERSPECTIVE: You got talked into going to this party by your dorm mate. Once there, you ask for a drink and are handed an incredibly stiff vodka soda by some guy named Randy, who’s wearing a popped collar Lacoste shirt. Three drinks later Randy’s “Little Bro (who also happens to be named Randy) says he thinks you’re in his psychology class. You drink more to attempt to make him more tolerable and the next thing you know, you went to the bathroom to puke and you’re mid intercourse. Afterwards he starts crying about how it’s his first time and he’s sorry if it wasn’t good and to please please please not tell any of the other Bros that he cried like a bitch. Then he tells you he loves you and throws up.
7. SPRING BREAK
HOW IT WENT DOWN FROM HIS PERSPECTIVE: After hearing “Margaritaville” for the fourth time in three hours and taking a “serious toke off a seriously serious bong” you hit the beach to check out a bonfire one of your brodawg pals heard about. After ingesting more marijuana than you ever have in your entire life you make a “Me love you bong time” joke that gets a laugh from a girl who is equally as high as you. After having a really deep conversation about how the “Stars are projectors,” and “Space is just, like, time plus matter multiplied by, like, freon,” you wander off behind a sand dune to consummate your relationship with your new spiritual partner. Being as high as you are, you forget exactly what you’re supposed to be doing behind the dune. Then, after a few perplexed moments of awkwardly looking at each other, you remember why you’re there and lie on top of her while your vaguely erect penis momentarily grazes her bone-dry minge. The next day you refer to yourself as “playa” and tell your friends a very different story of how you “tapped that ass.”
HOW IT WENT DOWN FROM HER PERSPECTIVE: When it actually happened, you kind of thought that this was a truly beautiful experience that transcended the physical realm. Then, the next day, when you came out of your pot-fueled stupor you realized that he was kind of sweaty and gross and you don’t really like the smell of month-old hemp necklaces, and Birkenstocks are actually really stupid looking…and maybe it’s time to focus a little more on school so you can get a real job someday instead of hanging out with those kind of guys.
6. HOTEL AFTER PROM
HOW IT WENT DOWN FROM HIS PERSPECTIVE: You shelled out top dollar for the Holiday Inn non-smoking room, and your older brother purchased you a bottle of Jack Daniels as well as a six pack of Mike’s hard lemonade so that you would have both hard and non-hard liquor,giving your date no excuses for not drinking. When you arrive after the prom, you casually say, “let’s sit on the bed and look through our yearbooks/pictures from the prom tonight. The minute you hit the bed, Mr. Erection shows his face and it’s all you can do not to throw that year book or camera out the fucking window. Finally the pictures are done and after a few moments of awkward silence you make your move. Most likely you’re way too horny or drunk to remove all your clothing, so the pile of pants and underwear around your ankles combined with your drunkeness make it hard for you to do your business. The result is you to sort of lay on top of her and sloppily roll around like a fat seal until you’re finished.
HOW IT WENT DOWN FROM HER PERSPECTIVE: Most likely you told your girlfriends several times at prom when they asked you if you were gonna do it, “I guess prom is a cool time to lose it right? Then you pounded your sprite that you had spiked with peppermint schnapps. When the deed finally happens, you’re mostly just hoping nothing happens to the dress you’re wearing because you’re planning on taking it back or wearing it again, and either way, a semen stain fucks up the plan. At this point you’re wasted, so you don’t care that he’s basically making out with your left eyeball and finger banging your belly button which he thinks is your clitoris. When he finally sticks it in, you realize that his stank of B.O. and Jack Daniels have created a memory that will last even longer than even the shitty painting of a boat that’s adorning the wall next to the bathroom that you’re staring at for a focus point to make the room stop spinning.
5. BACKSEAT OF A CAR
HOW IT WENT DOWN FROM HIS PERSPECTIVE: Hotels rooms cost money, and since you just gave a homeless guy 24 dollars to buy you two forties of Old English, you didn’t exactly have money to blow on fancy shit like “a room with a bed. After drinking the last ounce of your forty (which was approximately 84 degrees farenheit and consisting mostly of saliva and chunks of sirloin tip from your dinner at Black Angus), you went in for the kiss, and after a few moments grazed her boob and waited for a reaction. Then you braced one foot against the door and another against the passenger side seat, accidentally crushing the binder you use for homeroom, then pumped away for two and a half minutes.
HOW IT WENT DOWN FROM HER PERSPECTIVE: You held back the urge to vomit due to his entire weight pushing against your stomach which was filled with 40 ounces of malt liquor and top sirloin, while you repeatedly told him “it’s cool when he incessantly apologized for first dropping the condom rapper underneath his box of road flares and then for his inability to actually put his penis into your vagina on his own, which according to him was due to the logistics of the back seat, and not his unfamiliarity with vaginas.
4. CONFESIONAL BOOTH
HOW IT WENT DOWN FROM HIS PERSPECTIVE: It had been a little while since you’d been to church, so you decided it was a good idea to go into confession. While you were there, you told the priest about all the times you’d taken the Lord’s name in vain, when you’d deceived your parents and went over a few of your recent impure thoughts in great detail. Then, all of a sudden there was a penis in your butthole and you weren’t a virgin anymore.
HOW IT WENT DOWN FROM THE PRIEST’S PERSPECTIVE: Yeah yeah yeah, you took the Lord’s name in vain, sinned against our everlasting lord and saviour Jesus Christ blah blah blah. Just say a few Hail Mary’s, a few more Our Father’s, then put my penis in your butthole and you will go to heaven.
3. PARENT’S BASEMENT
HOW IT WENT DOWN FROM HIS PERSPECTIVE: Unfortunately your bedroom was pretty near your parent’s bedroom, and since everything you know about sex to this point came from a porno film, you’re pretty sure the pleasuring of any woman will cause her to scream things like “oh fuck yes” and “fuck my pussy, at decibel levels loud enough to be heard through several walls. Thus, you suggest to your girlfriend, “Let’s watch Happy Gilmore on the big TV in the basement. Before Happy hits his first drive, you’ve moved towards her side of the couch, a couch which your mom tried to give away because it smelled like Labrador and ass sweat. When you finally get to do the deed, you have trouble figuring out where to plant your hands due to the couch having weak arm rests and way too worn cushions that have now enveloped your girlfriend like a patch of quick sand. When you’re finished, you attempt to hide the condom somewhere where you can grab it later and safely dispose of it, so your parents don’t see you with it when you come upstairs.
HOW IT WENT DOWN FOR HER PERSPECTIVE: You’re hoping he doesn’t take too long, because the frame of the couch is digging into your back, which is much more painful than the breaking of your hymen. Finally when he does finish, he decides to lay on top of you for about 50 seconds, during this time you’re pretty sure the couch has now fused with your body. You pray for him to get off you, or for death, which ever one comes first.
2. TOP BUNK AT SUMMER CAMP
HOW IT WENT DOWN FROM HIS PERSPECTIVE: You and the other counselors waited till the campers were asleep and got stoned off your ass. Then after retreating back to your room to eat a bag of hydrox and downing four Capri suns, you grow some balls and venture into the girls cabin, towards the counselor’s bunk whom you’ve been making out/copping feels with all summer . She sees you and gives the “slide into my bunk face, which in the dark looks a lot like the “what the fuck are you doing here, face. You take the chance it’s the former. In the bunk you very very very slowly engage in intercourse which unfortunately consists of putting it in, and then sort of slightly wiggling around until you’re done. Then you throw the condom out the window near her bunk, which most likely hits one of a group of boy campers who have hid outside in an attempt to hear you screwing.
HOW IT WENT DOWN FROM HER PERSPECTIVE: You’re high as hell, and pretty much ready to drift off to sleep when you see an acne-covered face emerge from the bottom bunk. You’ve had a crush on him all summer and know from the instant erections he gets when you make out, that this shouldn’t take long and you’ll be sleeping shortly.
HOW IT WENT DOWN FROM HIS PERSPECTIVE: At first, a trip to Rome with your parents sounded pretty lame. But you have absolutely nothing else going on in your life, so you tag along with them anyway. After dinner with Mom and Dad, you tell them you’re going to go “for a walk” and head off to the bar district. Knowing very little Italian, you sit alone in a couple bars and end up talking to absolutely no one. Since you’re determined to make a night of it, and because you promised all your friends back home that you were going to get laid in Europe, you ask the bartender where the nearest “prostituta casa” is and head in that direction. When the deed is complete you’re more relieved than satisfied and wonder if you’ll have to pay for sex for the rest of your life.
HOW IT WENT DOWN FROM HER PERSPECTIVE: This is my third one tonight. Jesus, business is booming. Is there some sort of conference in town? It’s not World Cup or anything is it? I can never keep track of those goddamn sports tournaments. Why are they so popular anyway? Weird. Shit, I really need to do some laundry. Oh, and I have to pick up that dry cleaning. Why do I always keep forgetting that? I should write that down. You’re done? That’ll be 150 Euros.