As the year draws to a close, it’s a good time to reflect on what’s transpired this year and give thanks for not being part of a headline about WalMart. Unless you were in the store when any of this crap went down.
Just last week, because the fun at Wal Mart never sleeps, a lady was arrested after spending 6 whole hours in a Wal Mart. Usually that’s just a sign of mental illness, but she was spending those 6 hours trying to cook up a batch of meth, which is awesome in every way when you stop and think about it. If TS Eliot were alive today he’d write about shit like that.
Our meth lover really wanted to make meth at home but couldn’t afford the ingredients so the natural thing to do is to mix a bunch of chemicals together in bottles at the local Wal Mart until meth pops out. Looks like all she succeeded in doing was giving a chemical burn to a firefighter, but she was a trooper
Likely we all know this story by now but it’s the sort of thing we’ll remember for years to come – the Black Friday some loony bird woke up and thought “gonna be a rough crowd at the Mart today, best bring something with which to scorch everyone’s mucous membranes.” And then she did. Bless her heart.
In the unlikely event you’re reading this in 2016 and don’t recall, some loony bird went to Wal Mart on Black Friday, which was a day when your ancestors acted like shallow, soulless, greedy abominations and bought all manner of silly shit at allegedly lower prices, and pepper sprayed other shoppers because she’s what we used to call “an idiot” and what you in the future likely call “an idiot.”
Another Black Friday story for those not happy with pepper sprayings, in this delightful tale a lady was buying a box full of bra, because apparently bras come in boxes. Having never seen a bra in person, we wouldn’t know. But anyway, after trying to reach into the box to measure the bra against her bra horn or whatever ladies do, something stabbed her. Not a vengeful bra fairy as you may have guessed, but a syringe. Turns out this was the fourth time someone hid a syringe in some clothes at Wal Mart, and the billionth time something trashy and deplorable happened there.
In what is arguably the saddest commentary on the state of Wal Mart ever, India has postponed approval on allowing Wal Mart into the country due to massive political opposition based on the fear of what the store would do to the country. India is afraid Wal Mart would ruin their country. India. For some perspective, in 2007 the deputy mayor of New Delhi was killed by a roving pack of monkeys. But Wal Mart will ruin the country.
If these other stories are too hilarious for you, there’s this awful one we found about a dude who videotaped a little boy using the toilet at Wal Mart. The guy worked at the Wal Mart and if you guessed is name was Okey Belcher, you are correct. Now, the story itself is pretty disgusting, but is it even conceivable that this guy’s name could have been anything but Okey Belcher. If the heads of all the great hillbilly families got together at their dirt heap meeting place one balmy summer’s day and had to agree upon the greatest white trash name of all time to bestow upon their coverall-wearing king, do you doubt that Okey Belcher would be the name they came up with? If this guy wasn’t working at a Wal Mart and filming little boys on the toilet, he’s be at a petting zoo filming pissing donkeys.
So here’s a story about a lady who went to Wal Mart and stole some curtains, some shoes and some socks – that’s pretty standard for a loser Wal Mart robber you would think. But this lady scores the Wal Mart ghetto trash Yahtzee by apparently having her arms so full of stolen crap she had to leave her baby behind. And of course by “her” baby we just mean the baby she brought into the store with her. It wasn’t biologically her baby and, as of the writing of the article we sourced this from, police didn’t even know what her relationship to the baby was, other than being the kind of baby you bring to a Wal Mart and leave there.
This is a contender for the best story ever about Wal Mart. Let’s make CBS break the bad visual news to you.
Oh shit, son. Did you see that? That lady looked like she just shaved her head and walked straight the hell out of Narnia, made a stop at a tattoo parlor, a second-hand bikini shop and then the hospital to get a damn cast before heading to Wal Mart. And in that interview she literally says “hoochie mama.” Fantastic.
This should suitably disgust and astound everyone – turns out there are 6 heirs to the Wal Mart fortune (and make no mistake, as trailer as it is, everyone shops there and there’s plenty of fortune to go around) and those 6 heirs have about $93 billion between them. And that is more money than the bottom 30% of America combined. How many people is that? About 90 million or so. Those 6 people are richer than 90 million Americans and while we could say big deal, Bill gates alone is richer than just about that many all on his own, the difference is a subtle but important one. Bill Gates didn’t get rich for running a company where people make meth in the aisles and sometimes steal so much stuff they have to leave their babies behind.
You know how sometimes, you go to Wal Mart, and you’re looking for a big box of Lucky Charms and a gun, and then you get them and they’re both on sale, and that makes you happy and then to celebrate you show the cashier your splendid Wal Boner? Yes, Travis Keen did that also back in August. He dropped trou and drove around the Wal Mart parking lot with his winky hanging out and, once the police arrived, he explained that shopping at Wal Mart always gets him aroused. Makes sense.