Nothing about modern Western civilization is more confusing than professional wrestling. It makes no sense in layered, complex ways. Like a dog using a lawnmower makes no sense, but pro wrestling is so all over the board and confusing in so many ways you would be forgiven if you thought the whole thing was a big joke. And yet it’s not. I can’t explain it. Anyway, here’s some of the lame crap that passes for moves in wrestling. Don’t ask, just go with it.
Doesn’t this sound like maybe something that should exist? This move exemplifies the problems inherent in wrestling as it never decides if it wants to be serious or not. The move, for the uninitiated, is basically a fat man in a tiny thong cramming his large, sweatified ass into your face.
You’ll notice two things right away. The first is that this is gross. The second is that this isn’t even really a move. It’s a thing you can do, sure, but say we’re pretending to be fighting, just where does this fit in? Is it the stink that is meant to incapacitate the opponent? The lack of oxygen? The force of fat ass? Hard to say.
The Three Amigos
This was a move done by a wrestler named Eddie Guerrero. I feel like I should end the writing of this entry right now. Three Amigos. Eddie Guerrero.
Insanely popular and not remotely athletic looking wrestler Mick Foley used to use this bit when he wrestled under the name Mankind. Mankind was like a mental patient or something, and he had a sock puppet. The puppet was Mr. Socko. He kept him in his underwear, I think. Anyway, he’d put the sock on and jam it in your mouth in a variation of a move called the Mandible Claw. I think the idea was that it was supposed to be putting pressure under your tongue, like as a pressure point? I don’t know, it was a sock that a chubby guy pulled out of his gitch and jammed in your mouth.
Five Knuckle Shuffle
I think John Cena does this move . It’s like if the Lord of the Dance were a painter and just couldn’t keep his damn feel still while doing his job so there was all kinds of superfluous shit afoot before he got around to actually working.
Basically john Cena does some stupid hand moves and then runs and bounces off the ropes (all of this while the opponent is already on the ground) and then runs up to him and like..falls while chopping at him. What was the point of all that beginning shit? Meh.
This was a tag team move so you know it’s awesome. It was done by the Nasty Boys and was basically the grandfather of the Stinkface insofar as the move involved one Nasty Boy taking an opponent by the head and jamming it into the other Nasty Boys’ armpit. This was a finishing move, I think, so the idea is that the pit stench was debilitating to a professional athlete. So there’s that.
Personal anecdote time! I used to watch wrestling when I was a kid (and actually haven’t in over a decade, it’s just too hard to sit through) but even as a kid I couldn’t not be sarcastic when I saw someone do this move. I think it was something Smash or Crush from Demolition used to do. Basically it’s exactly what the name implies, you just punch someone in the chest. As a child, whenever I saw this, I would immediately explain that the person punched was then going to spiral into cardiac arrest. Those were the key words “spiral into cardiac arrest.” To this day that still makes me laugh. Any time you punch someone in the chest from this day forth, let them know it’s your intent to send them spiraling into cardiac arrest.
This little dude called X-Pac used to do this move. You may confuse him with K-Pax but don’t, because Kevin Space never jumped Joanie Laurer on camera but X-Pac did. So that’s a thing. Also, the Bronco Buster was when you sat in the corner and he pretended to ride you. Like not gay, I guess, because both guys re clothed, but still arguably way more gay than athletic or damaging in the physical sense.
I can’t believe this is a thing but it is and it was called this and everything. No cool fake name like the Skull Razor or Brain Screw. Instead it was Sgt Slaughter, conspiring with Saddam Hussein and the Iraqis, just giving people noogies. None of what I just said is a metaphor. It’s literally what happened.
There was a guy who went by the stage name Texas Tornado. His move was the Tornado Punch. Sounds OK so far. The Tornado Punch was deployed via spinning in a circle and then punching a guy. Also of note, the Texas Tornado only had one real foot. That’s no integral to the story, but it makes me laugh for some reason. He was pivoting on a fake foot before punching people.