Choosing a mascot for your restaurant is essential. If you have an asinine mascot, your restaurant will wither and die like erections before the time of Viagra. And they’ll deserve it. These days, modern restaurants try to half ass their mascots by producing chumps that appear in TV commercials and may be little more than cartoons. They suck. Real mascots are statues that stand outside your restaurant and grow older and creepier with each passing year. They’re solid and dependable and awesome in every way. They’re monstrosities. Love them for what they are.
No mascot is more beloved than Bob’s Big Boy. Don’t you dare even suggest for half a second that Ronald Shit Ass McDonald is better. He may be more well known but he’s a fraud of a mascot, just a dude in clown makeup they later made statues out of. Big Boy was a big ass boy, sometimes of an ungodly size, and he stood there, happy as all get out, one hand up, forever inviting you to come eat a burger or be murdered as a result of nefarious arts animating the state with a vengeful bloodlust. Either option was pretty awesome.
The giant KFC bucket is a hallowed mascot that deserves recognition for being foolishly oversized and mostly pointless. It’s a bucket. That, at the end of the day, is what KFC felt best symbolized what they cold sell to people. Not the chicken itself, not the Colonel, just the big, fat bucket of food you were buying from them. So even the illiterate and desperately hungry for fat could be driving down the road and recognize that this place was the place to buy a bucket of fried meat.
Dave’s Burgers Chicken
What’s a good mascot for a burger place? Once again, not a goddamn clown. But a chicken? Now that is some clever shit. Dave’s Burgers went full on clever, or at least one franchise did, by slapping up this cow-painted chicken. That’s like faceted cleverness, isn’t it? It’s deep and shallow at the same time. It’s shtick with effort. I applaud it and would eat one of their burgers if I had any idea where to find a Dave’s Burgers. I could Google it, but I won’t.
This guy is a generic mascot which I appreciate because it shows some restaurants don’t give a shit. They want something to make you uncomfortable as a patron, but they don’t care enough to design such a thing on their own, so they just use this creepy winking Italian man.
What’s more alluring than a sinister weiner? Ask anyone who has ever been sexted by Anthony Weiner. The rest of us only have these giant, menacing wieners on top of a Superdawg to reflect on. How did they get so big? Why is that one an angry caveman/wrestler? Why is the other so smitten with him?
McDonalds, as we’ve discussed, is bullshit. They’ve spent years shoving cartoon shenanigans down the throats of kids in an effort to shill burgers and they’re all terrible except one. Ronald? The Hamburglar? Grimace? Man, Grimace can suck it. And don’t get me started on that stupid bird. No, the only respectable one of the whole lot is the Mayor. The man is a duly elected official who has a hamburger for ahead, in a town where the most notorious criminal steals hamburgers and no one has seen Officer Big Mac in years. The bravery that man exudes is unparalleled amongst mascots.