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The Caps Lock/Spell Check Conspiracy

caps lock

I don’t believe many, or any, of the more common conspiracy theories out there. The Illuminati, 9/11 was an inside job, all the Kennedy assassination stuff – it’s all just too far out there for me to think any of it is even remotely possible. But there is one that I believe wholeheartedly.

You may not have heard of it. That might be because I think I’m the first to have come up with it, but maybe not. There’s also a good chance it’s wrong, but like most conspiracy theorists, it just feels right.

I firmly believe there is a secret, underground, and immensely powerful syndicate of computer hardware and software manufacturers that includes the likes of Apple, Dell, HP, and Windows, and so on, that have colluded for one very specific purpose: to make sure that whenever you press the caps lock key you are not only turn caps lock on but also turning spell check off.

Have you ever noticed while caps lock is on how all of the words you type are spelled correctly? This doesn’t mean you’re a super-genius that has learned to be a better speller overnight. You’re still an idiot, just like the rest of us. You still put two M’s in tomorrow for reasons that you will never understand. And don’t lie to yourself to protect your pride. You know that without spell check on everything you’ve ever typed could be used in a court of law as clear evidence of your mental disabilities.

This, without question, is evidence of a vast conspiracy with the intent of making us all aware of how truly stupid some internet commenters are. Not all internet commenters, mind you. Just the ones that TYPE IN CPASLOCKS ANDCAN’T TELL THEY ARE MISSPLELING EVERYTHING BECAUSE THERE ISN’T A RED SQEUWWIGLY LINE UNDERNEITH IT TELLING THEM ITS WRONG!!!!!!1!

Now, notice how I never mentioned that this was a negative or an in any way evil conspiracy. It wasn’t crafted to hold us down or two remove our freedoms or to keeping us from learning too much about what’s really going on out there. In fact, it does the opposite of all of those things. You see, long ago, back when caps lock was first invented, everyone in the computing industry immediately recognized how this new and occasionally useful feature would be abused by below average, highly stupid users in the future. They knew caps lock gives a sense of urgency and visceral rage to a statement that is otherwise devoid of substance; the old “I’m louder than you” argument technique. But these men and women had yet to discover a way to reign in the stupidity-spreading power of the caps lock.

Spell check was invented sometime later, which saved us all the hassle of being constantly reminded that we’re stupid, just like everyone else. Then, one of the caps lock people met with one of the spell check people and BOOM! A vast conspiracy to silence the stupid while simultaneously making them the loudest person in the room was born.

It’s a perfect win-win scenario – scenario being a word I would have completely misspelled if this were caps locked. The stupid people out there on the internet get to leave their dumbass comments on anything they want — from the subject Obama’s birth certificate to the supposed homosexuality of certain celebrities and everything in between– and the rest of us get drawn to it immediately when we come across it because, hey, THERE’S A LOUD THING GOING ON OVER THERE!! Thus, we have given the commenter the attention they’ve been seeking. But once we start reading and notice how THEY’VE MISSPSPLLEED PRETTY MUCH EVERYTHIGN BECAUES THEY ARE TYPING WITH THEIR EMOTIONS AND NOT THERE BRIANS, we are once again reminded to ignore the opinion of someone that only types with caps lock turned on and doesn’t have the decency to turn it off, or outright refuses to turn it off.

The caps lock user isn’t always dumb, and they don’t always misspell the words they type. It’s just a nice, generalized feature included in many computer systems out there designed to act as a warning system for an oncoming barrage of stupidity. And it just so happens to be a result of a vast corporate conspiracy among various powerful tech companies to give one very specific button on a keyboard two functions — one apparent, and one hidden – for what they perceive is the greater good of mankind.

It’s a perfectly reasonable assumption, I think.

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