Folks, take it from me: being a hateful bigot that believes all Muslims are terrorists has gotten so much harder as of late. The Politically Correct Brigade has made it all but impossible for me and good-hearted, salt-of-the-earth Americans like you to fear a Muslims solely because they look like the relative few Muslims that actually hate us and wish death upon us.
I’ve tried to bow to the PC crowd’s whims and change my ways. I tried thinking that only people with beards are terrorists. Turns out my grandpa would be a terrorist under that manner of profiling. I tried thinking that all people who eat humus are terrorists. But then I noticed Sally, the secretary at the office, was eating hummus. I know that my wang wouldn’t be sexually attracted to terrorist poon; so that was ruled out. I was running out of options. I didn’t know what to do.
But then, I found just the frivolous reasoning I needed to pinpoint would-be terrorists in public, and it came from an unlikely source: Wikileaks.
Wikileaks just released hundreds of pages of documents detailing what went on behind closed doors at the Guantanamo Bay military prison camp. Among the many, many shocking revelations within the documents came one particular bit of info regarding a certain something-something that a lot of America-hating terrorists have in common.
Casio wrist watches.
In one of the documents, titled “Matrix of Threat Indicators for Enemy Combatants” — which details all of the little hints that tip off operatives to who may or may not be a terrorist – it plainly states that a great deal of the terrorists that had been taken in to custody had Casio wrist watches in their possession. Apparently, the watches were used to detonate IEDs, or Improvised Explosive Devices.
When I heard this, my heart filled with joy. I couldn’t wait to head to my local heavily populated urban area and start giving the evil eye to any terrorist I saw sporting a Casio watch. I got so in to it, I even started suspecting my sons of being terrorists after I saw they owned Casio calculators. I was having the time of my life hating people because of a watch they wear.
But then I got to thinking…
The Casio watch is a pretty popular watch. This means that there has to be tons of other people out there that are terrorists and I was just too blind to notice. So I did a little research and found some more people that all of you patriots can start hating.
Keanu Reeves was actually playing a terrorist In Speed. This one really made me look at that movie in a whole new way.
Arnold Schwarzenegger proved he was a terrorist by wearing a Casio in Running Man.
Apparently, chocolate pudding is a secret Muslim plot.
That dirty Ke$ha lady is a terrorist.
Bear Grylls covered himself in feces, slapped on a Casio, and then became a terrorist.
And, finally, Zach Morris was using his gigantic cell phone, good looks, and his Casio to kill you.
As you can see, folks, the terrorists are all around us, and they know exactly what time it is: time for the end of America. When their watch chimes, tackle them to the ground; for that seemingly innocent chime may not only be ringing in a new hour, but it may also be ringing…YOUR DEATH.
Simpleminded Bigots unite!