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The Daily Diet Of A Woman Attempting To Become The Fattest Woman Of All Time

susanne-eman

Susan Eman of Casa Grande, Arizona (a town name that will be very appropriate and kinda funny a few words from now) weighs 720 pounds, and she wants to reach 1,600 pounds so that she may become the new fattest woman of all time. (See?).

Susan gave the UK’s The Daily Mail a peek in to her daily diet as she marches – no; rascal scooters her way to her goal of 1,600 pounds. At the very end of the article we are shown an item-by-item breakdown of everything she eats throughout a single day (which totals to 21,962 calories), but there’s no context. We, the readers, don’t get the chance to understand why this food specifically, and why that specific amount of it.

Those are the questions we’re going to attempt to answer for you today.


 Breakfast

6 Scrambled Eggs Cooked in Butter – The butter ensures the sadness slides down smoothly

Half Pound of Bacon – Because a full pound would be stupid

4 Hash Browned Potatoes – Because when you have a mound of yellow slop next to a mound of crispy brown slop, you really need a mound of semi-brown-but-mostly-pale-white slop to offset the other two mounds of slop. At least that’s what Architectural Digest tells me what to do with my mounds of multi-colored food slop to make my home seem larger than it is.

6 Pieces of Buttered Toast – Use this only when your fork and/or shovel can no longer mop up the final remains of your various food slops.

Ice Cream Shake – You know, as sweet and decadent reward for showing some dietary restraint.

Bag of Iced Animal Crackers – It’s weird to say it, but this sounds like it might be the most healthy thing on the menu.

2-liter of Soda – Because chewing for your calories and sugars can be exhausting.

Bag of Barbeque Chips – Christ, are we still talking about breakfast? In this case, the barbeque chips serve the same purpose as ginger slices when you eat sushi – it cleanses your palet in preparation of experiencing a new flavor. And what might that new flavor be?

3 Ham and Cheese Sandwiches – After a slop of breakfast, followed by a mash of deserts, you want to cap off your morning meal with a compression of ham.

 

Lunch

3 Beef, Bean, And Green Chili Burritos With Sour Cream – Because those bowels aren’t going to move themselves.

Salad With Bacon, Cheese and Chicken – What role does the lettuce even serve at this point? If you’re being stabbed to death by 999 people with 999 knives, having the 1,000th person only pretend to stab you with an imaginary knife isn’t going to help things. “Well, at least 1 out of 1000 people won’t actually be stabbing me with a knife.”

 

Dinner

12 Tacos – After a long day of eating, you’re going to want to slow down a little and eat something a light for dinner. That’s certainly not the case here, seeing as she probably has a sweatshop of children manufacturing her tacos for her, but I wrote that just to remind the rest of us that there is another way to live.

2-liter of Soda – You ever drink two cans of soda in one day and think “man, I’m going to need to hit the gym extra hard tomorrow”? Yeah, I don’t think that kind of thought factors in very much here. It must be nice…you know, not wanting to live anymore.

8 Scoops of Ice Cream – Because 9 scoops makes you skinny.

Pan of Brownies – I fear the day when the global population has become so fat that serving suggestions on the back of food items are detailed in increments of pans. Next after that? Waterbed. “How many calories are there in a waterbed of brownies?”

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