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The Definitive List of Fart Euphemisms

Farting.  It’s the single funniest thing a person can do.  Don’t Google it, don’t debate, don’t even bother trying to think of something funnier.  There’s nothing.  But the problem with farting, if there is one, is that it may be too funny.  It’s too awesome.  So awesome, in fact, that there are hundreds upon hundreds of euphemism for them.  Many are terrible, lik pooting.  Pooting is preposterous, you are to never use it lest I ban you from Holy Taco, do you hear me?  You never use it!  Never.  But these words I present to you here, these are the promised land of fart euphemisms.  These are the terms that spread sunshine and goodwill.  If we held hands as brothers and sisters around the world and farted and described those farts with these terms, we would have peace.  So help me God we can unite mankind in love and harmony.

Ass Blast – the kind of fart born from Thai chilies and a night of low budget beer

Back Draft – the hollow, soul-rending fart that surprises even you

The Barking Spider – a quick, angry fart that may wake the dog

Subterranean Yawn – a long, drawn out fart that keeps going after the sound dies off

Chanel No 2 – a fart possessed of an odor even you can’t explain

Flatus – a stately fart.  If it were a person it would wear a monocle

A Dark Wind – a ghastly, somewhat damp fart

Starscream – a rage-filled ass trauma

Satan’s Bugle – a high, keening wail that makes others uncomfortable

Fieri Bomb – a bubbling cauldron of gravy and onion smells

Nether Squelch – a viscous, damp peel of anger

Cheek Sneak – a rapid fire bubbling chainsaw

Pucker Chuckle – a simple fart that would have ended if you didn’t start laughing, but now keeps time with you

Breaking Dawn – a fart that wakes you up

Hooting the Blowfish – the kind of fart that changes octaves midway through

Beef Relief – the terrible aftermath of a carnivorous evening

The Steaming Weasel – a hot, moist humiliating fiasco

Duck Step – a surprise flarp that sounds quickly and loudly

Freep – a low decibel creeper that’s more drawn out than anyone is comfortable with

The Ghost of Dinners Past – One that smells of what you ate a good three meals ago

A Vapor Caper – like the exhalation of a great bear

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