The wheat has been separated from the chaff, the low hanging balls of obfuscation have been cast aside in favor of the narrow taint of clear victory and we’re down to the final 16 douchebags in the most epic contest of douchebags to ever grace this website or any other. Let’s look at yesterday’s results!
Tyler Perry 56.4% defeated Lady Gaga 43.6%
The Situation 69.8% defeated Justin Bieber 30.2%
Kim Jong-Il 56.8% defeated the Teabaggers 43.2%
Muammar Gaddafi 58.2% defeated Sarah Palin 41.8%
Jerry Jones 62.8% defeated Adrian Peterson 37.2%
NFL Owners 64.0% defeated Jay Cutler 36.0%
Tony Hayward 64.7% defeated Bedbugs 35.3%
The Hipster Movement 61.7% defeated Zachary Chesser 38.3%
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Analysis: Are you not entertained? The battle is as vicious as it is douchey. In a surprise twist, the strong showing Justin Bieber was taken out by Hooked on Phonics Jersey Shore regular the Situation and Lady Gaga was put in her place by Tyler Perry, proving people are more intolerant of mediocre comedians in fat suits than mediocre singers in meat suits.
Two other tight match ups, Gaddafi versus Palin and Kim Jong-Il versus the Teabaggers showed that Holy Taco readers feel douche is stronger on foreign soil than it is here at home. Let’s get on to the final 16!
Gibson has been strong since the opening of the tournament taking out early favorite Charlie Sheen with ease before trouncing perennial favorite John Mayer. He’s a force to be reckoned with powered by Aussie pluck and anti-Semitism, mixed with a healthy dose of unstable misogyny. On the other hand, underdog Tyler Perry seems to be standing as an avatar for all terrible “ethnic” comedies that attempt to garner laughs based on nothing more than the fact that most of the cast isn’t white. Should be interesting to see who you think less of as we tally the votes for this round.
A head to head battle of “the” contenders, we’ve got a strong match up here as it’s hard to find anyone who can stand either of these two competitors. Their strengths? There’s only one Situation while there are three Kardashians, but Kim Kardashian is at least hot while The Situation is partly responsible for Snooki being famous. In the end can there be any winners here? We’ll wait and see.
If this doesn’t represent a moral dilemma we don’t know what match up does. Kim Jong-Il has repressed an entire nation of people so badly some of them actually believe Kim causes the weather and his father may or may not have created the world. He has nuclear capabilities and is arguably completely insane. At face value Glenn Beck seems like he’s destined to lose, but remember that Beck has made a career out of inciting irrational and ignorant hatred in literally thousands of people not smart enough to know that Glenn Beck is full of shit, making him a kind of latter day David Koresh for mouth breathers who own hunting rifles.
In a battle that seems uneven on the surface we have Libyan dictator and madman Muammar who has made short work of his competitors thus far including the force of stupid nature that is Sarah Palin. Can the Koch Brothers hope to defeat such a powerful opponent? While Gaddafi has taken out the right, the Koch’s have destroyed the left by trouncing Nancy Pelosi and Keith Olbermann. Now it’s the foreign, murdering terrorist versus nefarious billionaires who represent every conspiracy theorist’s wet dreams. Tough call, kids.
Big Ben has been a madman in the game so far, tearing a strip out of LeBron James right off the bat and then having a relatively easy time of taking out Jim Joyce who kind of sucked as a competitor anyway. Jerry Jones has been coasting through on latent Cowboy hatred, taking out pervy Rex Ryan and Adrian Peterson. Their head to head is anyone’s guess.
We have opposing forces of douche here – one is the evil sort of Mr. Burnsian, Emperor Palpatinesque evil you expect from rich old crotch bugs who probably all have Mexican gardeners and eat the eggs of endangered birds for breakfast and the other is the sad, annoying kind of douche you get when that guy who always smells like feet keeps trying to hang out with you because you went to school together in the third grade and you foolishly accepted his friend request on Facebook even though he’s a total drag and you didn’t mean it to imply any degree of friendship. They’re different, yet equally douchey.
Potentially the most titanic faceoff to ever occur in Dbag tourney history before the final matchup, Westboro vs Tony Hayward is taking epic douches with innumerable faults and asking you, mere mortals, to decide who sucks more, knowing the competition doesn’t even end here. It’s a tough one. Westboro has far and away dominated the competition so far, slaughtering Terry Jones and Patti Stanger like lambs. Their douchebaggery is of such a degree it’s almost hard to accept as real because people who aren’t totally, possibly literal shitheads don’t act this way. And Tony Hayward literally ruined the world. Not in that figurative way someone like excommunicated competitor Justin Bieber ruins the world, either, he made it filthy and unlivable across a massive swath of the planet. This match up is epic.
One time champ Ocotomom, returning with a creepy fetish video under here uterine belt is now matching wits with an insidious tour de force that has made pop culture just a little bit less fun the last few years, the dirty hipsters. Word has it hipsters go to bars with their pork chop side burns and aviator glasses and then order Pabst because…we don’t know. You can’t drink things ironically, because that makes no sense. Ocotomom spanked a man dressed like a baby on camera. That’s just awful.
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