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The Faces of Method Acting

Method acting, also known as Lewising Daniel’s Day, DeNiro’s Crank, the Snipes and Hillbilly Cheddar, is an immersive family of acting techniques characterized by the creation of real emotions within the actor that enables true to life performances, and batshit insanity.  Many actors who fall prey to this method only spiral deeper and deeper into what-the-f*ckery, engaging in behaviors like living, in character, offset, for months at a time, or permanently altering their body via scars, tattoos and crazy, Christian Bale-style weight loss.  It also causes facial scarring.  Look at this!

 

This fellow here was Michael J. Fox’s understudy on Family Ties.  He lived 24/7 as Fox and, as you can see, after three months he was a pocky wreck who wouldn’t stop shrieking “Tina Yothers” whenever anyone got near to him.

Method Acting doesn’t just claim no-name twat actors, oh no.  Some of our most famous thespians have suckled at the addictive teat of Sweet Lady ‘thod.  Take a look and see what method acting does to the human body.  If we can save just one aspiring young actor from this terrible fate, we’ll have succeeded.

Mickey Rourke

Despite enjoying a renaissance the last few years, Mickey Rourke has paid dearly for his comeback.  With stunning roles in the Wrestler and Sin City, Rourke was back in the mainstream but without the head of a person.  Instead he became an overly menacing rockabilly Stay Puft Marshmallow Man and it seems to just be getting worse with each passing day.  Is it worth the price of realistic performances?  Is it?!

Christopher Walken

The picture on the left, of a young Chris Walken, almost seems to be another person.  Now, you may know a method actor who says they can manage their craft, maybe they’re even as beloved and prolific as Walken, but ask them this – is fame worth becoming a that guy who drinks from the wrong cup at the end of Indiana Jones and the Holy Grail?

Marlon Brando

One of the greatest actors of all time, Marlon Brando gave iconic performances in numerous movies and was once even Superman’s dad, because he could do shit like that when he was old.  A classic method actor, in time, Brando became a fat man in a greenish-yellow muumuu.  Do you know what we cropped out of that photo to include the young Brando? A midget that was dressed in the same outfit. That’s not even a joke, that really happened. Good Lord.

Jack Nicholson

In his entire career, Jack Nicholson has delivered maybe a handful of less than enthralling performances.  He’s been in a lot of shitty movies, but he’s generally good, even if he’s the one golden kernel of corn in the dookie of a greater film.  But one man can only pull off legendary roles in films like the Shining and One Flew over the Cuckoo’s Nest for so long before this happens – sub sandwich bitch tits at sea.  That was the name of Robbie Williams’ last album.  And it sucked.

Joaquin Phoenix

Look at that crazy shit.

Daniel Day Lewis

Arguably the greatest modern method actor, Lewis has taken his commitment to roles so far he’s contracted pneumonia, broken bones and spent months living in the wilderness just to get into character.  He will drink your milkshake and you will be OK with it but remember, people will not just hate working with you, you will actually evolve into the sort of person who wants that beard and who lives on a secluded Irish compound of some kind while people spread rumors about you throwing bowling balls or making love to Elm trees or whatever it is you do.

Non-Method Actor Liam Neeson

Liam Neeson has famously criticized method acting as bullshit – he doesn’t do it and doesn’t see the point.  Aside from a squinty eye, the man has barely changed his appearance in over 20 years.   His acting is so solid you can set your watch by it, just watch Darkman or, if you’re feeling saucy, Krull.  Trust in Liam Neeson.  Say No to Method Acting!

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