When all is said and done, the list of “Greatest Cinematic Tragedies” will look something like this:
1. Happy Madison
2. The Death of Chris Farley
3. The Non-Death of Taylor Lautner
4. The creation of WWE Studios
Since their formation in 2002, WWE Studios has churned out nearly 40 direct-to-video and limited theatrical release films that combined equal the intellectual experience of catching a baseball bat with your teeth. In fact, of the 40ish movies they have produced, only one of them could even be considered watchable without first drinking a gallon of PCP — the consistently underrated The Rundown. Other than that, you’re stuck with cinematic floor-turds like Knucklehead, See No Evil, The Marine and Scooby-Doo! WrestleMania Mystery. The very thought of that last one makes me want drown in my own sick.
Not wanting to deter from the path of sub-mediocrity they have walked upon for over a decade now, WWE Studios has optioned a gritty remake/reboot of the Leprechaun series as their next passion project, called Leprechaun: Origins. Better yet, the film will star one of the WWE’s “biggest” (sick burn) stars, Hornswoggle. You get it? Because he plays a leprechaun, and the movie’s about a leprechaun, so therefore (*smashes fists together and makes fart noises with mouth*). Entertainment Weekly has the story:
According to an official synopsis, Leprechaun: Origins concerns two young couples who, while backpacking through the Irish countryside, “quickly discover the idyllic land is not what it appears to be be when [a] town’s residents offer the hikers an old cabin at the edge of the woods. Soon, the friends will find that one of Ireland’s most famous legends is a terrifying reality.”
Word has it that the reboot is a considerably more serious affair than the original, Warwick Davis-starring movies, which included 1997′s Leprechaun 4: In Space and 2000′s Ice-T-featuring Leprechaun: In the Hood.
Geez, I sure hope this movie can live up to the high bar set by Leprechaun in the Hood. That’s like, the Citizen Kane of the Leprechaun franchise.
What’s that, you say there’s a trailer? Well roll that beautiful bean footage, then!
My God, could they have possibly crammed anymore horror movie cliches into a minute and thirty seconds? Woman running through forest, fun-loving friends who speak in exposition, foreign location with creepy locals, old man with a story, cabin in the woods; it’s like they ran through a checklist of tropes more ancient than the subject of their film. Even the title cards could not be lazier.
“Witness a horror icon…reborn.”
“Some legends…never die.”
If you didn’t hear David Caruso’s voice while reading those lines, we probably can’t be friends.
To recap: The WWE is remaking/rebooting the 1993 Jennifer Aniston vehicle of lore, placing a midget pro-wrestler in its lead role, and playing it completely straight-faced. And they will likely make money off it. I guess you could say that the filmmakers behind Leprechaun: Origins…are real gold diggers.