The Food of Hate: 6 People who Turned Food into Weapons

You know what’s funny?  Beating people with sausages and stuff.  Wish I knew why.

Sausage Attack

Now this is a story all about how

Antonio Vasquez broke into a house and went to town

I’d like to take a minute just wait a smidge

I’ll tell you how he attacked a stranger with a sausage

In Fresno, California, born and raised

No pants on is how he spent most of his days

Chilling out, maxing, hanging all over the place

Breaking in your house and rubbing spice in your face

When a couple of guys, they were asleep in their bed

Antonio pulled his sausage and bashed them in the head

He made one little burglary and the homeowners got scared

They called the cops and got his ass taken out of there

He was hiding in a field when the cops came near

Underneath some bushes in his underwear

They grabbed him and cuffed him and pulled him from the grass

Off to prison so other guys could put stuff in his ass

He pulled up to the courthouse around seven or eight

And yelled to the cops “You guys are dicks”

Looked at his kingdom he was finally there

To settle his throne as the guy who assaults people with meat sticks

Steak

This is a classic tale that we’ve probably all experienced once or twice.  You’re a disabled guy having dinner and you decide you want bread instead of a roll.  Your girlfriend of 16 years hears this and acknowledges your wants by beating the crap out of you with a raw 16 oz steak.  Then she smacks your useless legs with a bag of laundry.  Plus she’s drunk.  But mostly the thing you need to remember is the image of a 53 year old lady drunk on port wine beating a wheel-chaired bound man with raw beef.

Butter

This story is made entirely by its headline. In fact, the only reason it’s here is because I read the story yesterday.  This lady attacked her roommate with butter.  I wish the real story was that these two got into a heated argument, and she was way hotter than the ghoulie she actually is, and in a rage, she grabbed the victim by the hair after kung-fuing him into the kitchen, and forced his head into a vat of drawn butter and drowned him like a lobster.

In reality, this is a drunk trailer person who seems to have thrown a stick of butter at her roommate’s ankle.  Somehow the police got involved in that.  And the police didn’t shoot any of the people involved even though nature practically demands something be done to end them.

Canned Potatoes

This is a story of honorable soldiers, the kind you read about in tales of knights and fantasy.  The kind who don’t play dirty tricks on their opponents, but who meet them on the field of battle to match skill in a fight to the death.  Only instead of swords, this dude used a can of potatoes.

You may be wondering how there’s honor in smashing another dude in the head with a can of potatoes, but you have to appreciate that the guy also had a knife on him.  But his opponent had no knife and it would be very unsporting to stab an unarmed man.  So he just beat him with Del Monte canned potatoes instead.  Fight on, soldier.  Fight on.

Pecan pie

Nothing is funnier than a pie in the face, it’s a great old comedy gag.  Of course, in this story it was hot pecan pie and it gave the victim first and second degree burns.  You’re a horrible person for finding amusement in this.

Pumpkin

This is well written journalism as it calls the assailants both goons and punks, making it seem like it was written by a hardboiled detective from the 50’s, which is nice.  Later it makes reference to a lady being hit by a pumpkin, seeing the insides of the pumpkin on the ground, and thinking the pumpkin guts were her guts.  Imagine how hard a pumpkin has to hit you for you to think all the orange shit sprayed on the ground came out of you.  That’s something that is.