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The Future is Not in 2013

Well, it’s 2013.  You officially live in the world of tomorrow.  Is it everything you hoped it would be?  Don’t answer that because it’s not. It’s such a load of crap and we all know it.  Let us now vent out disgust over all the ways the future has let us down.

Flying Cars

Do you know when the first flying car was conceived of?  The day after people learned about cars.  The next day.  One guy drove around for about 4 hours, got stuck behind a horse and thought “this is shit, why can’t I fly over the damn thing?”  We’ve been asking that question ever since.

In the 1950’s it was pretty much promised to mankind that we’d have flying cars within about a decade.  Every year since then has assured us of the same thing.  And then one day on the 2000s someone did invent a flying car and do you see them in the skies now?  Hell no.  No one makes flying cars even though they currently, right now, exist and do you know why?  Yeah you do.  Two reasons – no one wants to even guess at the fuel economy of a flying car and no one wants to get in the air with the idiots who currently can’t master driving on pavement.

2013 is not going to give us flying cars and it’s for the best.


Sci fi peaked in the 1950s and really hit its stride in the 60s.  The 70s was obviously a letdown but had a few bright spots as did the 80s.  As a legit genre it’s only had a couple of good decades behind it.  Before that it was marginalized as kids stuff, but the geeks of the world kept it going strong and now it’s everywhere.  If not for sci fi nerds we never would have had the movie Prometheus and wouldn’t you have been sad if you didn’t get all excited about the movie Prometheus before it came out?  Yes. Then you would have flown into a depressed non-rage after you watched it because ugh. Just who gives a shit?

Anyway, point is, we’ve been looking for life beyond our world for a hell of a long time.  And we want to find it so badly we’ve spent a fortune sending messages into space, not to mention the mental toll it’s taken on the people who think we’ve actually been contacted by aliens.  Have you ever seen people who think they’ve been abducted?  They’re so much worse than what you see in movies.  So much worse.

2013 will not be the year we find aliens.  Mars doesn’t have life on it and the nearest planet that may have Earth-like conditions is a few light years to the left.  And you know if there are any aliens there they’re probably slugs or, at the very least, hipsters.  They’ re not monitoring the skies for signals from us.


Remember Dolly the Sheep?  That sumbitch was cloned back in 1996.  In the time since then they’ve cloned an assload of new animals and, officially, no humans. But in fairness you’re probably pretty gullible if you don’t think humans have been cloned.  Somewhere out there some half crooked dude is making designer babies for rich people.  But clones like you and I were hoping for and/or dreading? Those don’t exist.  We don’t want cloned sheep that are born as babies and grow older and become stew.  We want fully grown clones that think they’re us so we can have wacky hijinks with them.  Here’s a short list of what I assume we’d do if we could make fully grown clones in possession of identical memories;

  • Organ harvesting
  • Framing for crimes
  • Weird porno
  • Weird non-porn sex
  • Fraud beyond belief
  • Bigamy
  • Creepy gangs
  • Creepy gang bangs

We will not get fully formed, identical clones in 2013.

Moon Bases

Newt Gingrich ran for President on the promise of building a moon base.  That shit is cray.  But the fact is we got to the moon in 1969.  It’s been over 40 years and we haven’t done shit up there.  It’s about time someone built something. I’m going to be honest, if I was Richard Branson, I’d go to the moon and just call it my own. I’d like to see anyone claim I don’t have a right to the moon if I’m the first person there in 40 years and rather than just leaving a flag and some trash, I decide to stay and build a hotel.  For real, who says you can’t own the moon?  I’d take that shit to court and I’d win.

Nonetheless, in 2013 we won’t get any moon bases and it’s not because we don’t have the technology, it’s just because the time and effort that will need to go into getting construction crews to the moon – the laziest men on earth are surely even lazier when they need to work off the planet.  Not gonna happen.

Jet Packs

Ah, jet packs,  the internet’s perennial indicator of a dream left to die.  Whenever we look to tomorrow we ask “where are our jetpacks.”  Well kids, there are no jet packs. There are silly water-powered contraptions but the Rocketeer?  He’s just a mediocre film character.

Real life jet packs have been tried again and again and shelved due to their short flight time, their inherent danger their fuel limitations and just their overall impracticality.  You can’t fly with a jetpack.  Yo can’t do shit with a jetpack.  Not today.  Not tomorrow.  Not in 2013.  Not ever.

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