It’s 2012 which means we’re living in the future! The future! Flying cars and sex droids are literally everywhere and Holy Taco is now run by a cyborg albino and his sassy, jive-talking hologram sidekick Jim Tews. It’s quite the sight. But the future isn’t all jive-talking and jet packs, there’s also deception. Yes, for years now Hollywood has been making movies that depict the future only to have them become insufferably crappy when that future finally arrives. Seems like a fitting time then to take a glance and make a movie list of the industry’s most terrible lies and see how they failed to pass muster.
1990- Bronx Wasteland
The epic Italian film 1990: Bronx Warrior featured a lead actor who got his role because the director liked the way he looked at the gym and, despite that, is not gay porn. Like Escape from New York, it took the storyline of New York being such a crap heap that it clearly had no chance of being anything more than a toilet where polite society sends its refuse. So like a modern day old timey Australia. Minus the bunny epidemic.
As you might expect, the wasteland of 1990 New York features roller skating gangs and also biker gangs. And guys who don’t speak English as a first language. And you thought the only awesome thing to come from 1990 was MC Hammer.
1991- Alien Migrant Workers
Shortly after the Bronx became a prison, aliens landed on the much more civilized west coast in the film Alien Nation. As you might expect, they became exactly like Mexicans in the most egregious use of the word “alien” ever committed to film. Yes, they integrated into society, got jobs and were marginalized by racists. They also drank spoiled milk to get wasted. Holy Taco is not suggesting Mexicans do that. We’re suggesting this movie suggested that.
1991 – Ape Slave Labor
That same year, presumably in the Midwest somewhere, a terrible virus wiped out cats and dogs and then humans had ape slaves. You and I appreciate how the first part of that sentence doesn’t lead into the last, but that doesn’t change the fact it’s still the plot of Conquest of the Planet of the Apes. With the help of one smart ape the whole crew of monkey slaves were revolting against mankind and speaking in no time. Take that, PETA.
1997 – New York Prison
Made one year before the Bronx Warrior but taking place 7 years later to allow for a touch more plausibility, Escape from New York wants you to believe that in a lawless waste land, Ernest Borgnine survives as a cab driver without being stabbed to death every night, all of Manhattan is a roped off prison shithole and a one-eyed Kurt Russell has time to give a damn about your problems. Oh, and that somehow Adrienne Barbeau’s boobs stay put in that dress even when running for her life.
2001 – Killer Computers, Distant Space Travel
2001: A Space Odyssey is considered a sci fi classic, probably because of that hilarious scene of the ape bashing another ape at the beginning. He was history’s first asshole. This film also promised us calm, level-voiced computers that could turn psychotic on a whim and the ability to fly to Jupiter. When’s the last time anyone went to Jupiter? Don’t say 2001 because it’s not true.
2004 – Thunderdome
If you remember 2004, then you may remember how much Alexander sucked. It really was an asinine movie. But also, Mel Gibson, sober and in non Jew-hating form, was showing us just what happened to our post-Apocalyptic world with the help of a midget on a big dummy’s back and Tina Turner. That’s right, we were all supposed to be settling our differences via Thunderdome in 2004. Thanks for nothing, Mel.
2004 – Time Traveling Cops
While Aussie’s were settling their differences in cages, stateside we were solving crimes in the past with the help of Jean Claude Van Damme’s mullet in Time Cop. Indeed, as an agent of the time enforcement mullet squad, Van Damme was doing the splits in multiple time periods and avoiding contact with his past self because if you touch yourself in the past then a terrible computer effect will eat you both in a giant storm of no damn sense whatsoever.
2009 – Time Travel, Personality Transfer
If you can’t wrap your head around how Emilio Estevez and Mick Jagger could team up to make a bad movie, then you need to see Freejack. The point of Freejack, as much as my brain allows me to remember, is that, in the future, rich assholes send people back in time to kidnap young, healthy people who are about to die in accidents, so their bodies can be harvested for parts in the future to keep those rich assholes alive. Plus Rene Russo. Sucks. But watching the last few minutes when Estevez tries to act like Anthony Hopkins is awesome.
2009 – Vampire Cannibal People
Lucky for Emilio, the whole body harvesting this is about to fall to crap because Will Smith helped work on a genetically altered measles that turns everyone into a CG vampire hobo. Like everyone. And even though the movie makes poor use of the title I Am Legend, this film does show us what a man and his dog could do in a disease-ridden man made apocalypse of three years ago.
2010 – Nuclear War on Dragons
Sometime around 2008 whilst working on a subway system in the UK, those damn dragons woke up and destroyed everything. So in 2010 they dropped nukes on them and learned you cannot nuke a dragon. Do you hear me? You need to wait another 10 years and then send Matthew Mcconaughey and Batman to fight them. But in 2010, you can ineffectually drop nukes on them. In England. So says Reign of Fire.
2012 – Death Race!
To the present! And a remake of a movie that took place in 2000, but since it was made in 2009 or something, they had to bump it to 2012, when the world economy had collapsed and, naturally, the only thing people care about any more is making prisoners race around and kill each other on Pay per View. Makes sense. Look for it after the next WWE pay per view. Jason Statham wouldn’t lie to us. Except he did because it’s a remake!
2012- Titanic II
Technically not a sequel, Titanic 2 features exactly the story you’d expect it to feature. No seriously, there’s no twists or turns or anything, it’s exactly what you think – a boat sinks. A big one. Named the Titanic. Because of an ice berg causing stupidity on an epic scale. So look for ship builders this year to be complete morons.