We’re all slightly above pooping in holes at this point. We have to assume that if you’re here, reading this and using the internet, you, at the very least, own a real toilet. If you don’t, please stop reading this (after clicking on several ads from our sponsors) then go do something to improve your living situation. For those of us who are already riding the porcelain, we’re looking for an upgrade. Here’s a few options for your consideration:
A remote-controlled bidet:
Ladies and gentlemen, this is a bidet. If you’re like an HT editor, it’s unlikely you’ve ever seen one of these in person, because you live in a modest apartment, and you never stay in anything above a hostel when you travel. A bidet sprays water on your shadowy parts instead of you having to use toilet paper. GENIUS!
The Brondell Swash 1000 steps that up a notch and includes a remote that controls water temp, spray level, spray direction and A DRYER! It’s yours for a mere $600. That’s a small price to pay for a super clean undercarriage.
Automatic Toilet Dispenser
If there’s one thing EVERYONE hates, it’s the annoying, repetitive motion of pulling, tearing and folding toilet paper. This machine eliminates that! Well, part of it. You’ll still have to do your own folding, but this li’l miracle machine will spit out just the right amount of t.p. to keep your girlfriend from clogging up the pipes for no good reason!
This is actually from the movie “Idiocracy,” but it’s a very real possibility. Never mind the sanitation and hygiene issues it would present, just focus on the fact that it’s going to allow you the most relaxing bowel movements of your life.
The Horizontal Shower
Let’s put an end to the butt humor for a minute. Let’s talk about this shower — it’s for super lazy people, or those who like to feel like they’re drowning. The type of shower sex you could have on this thing would add a whole new level of danger and excitement to shower sex, which is already dangerous, not necessarily exciting.
What’s that? You’re SICK AND TIRED of the water temperature in your bathroom faucet not being exactly eighty degrees? We feel you, and so does the company who manufactured this bad boy.