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The Future of Douchebag Transportation

Brace yourselves, people who realize the world is full of other people and resources aren’t infinite, a flying Hummer is in the works! Before you know it, our airspace is going to smell like axe body spray and coconut oil. I can only hope that this idea goes the way of the hoverboard.

According to an article in Popular Science, the research and development team for the U.S. Department of Defense is developing a flying Hummer-like vehicle for U.S. forces. I’m sure it’s a long way off, but if the original Hummer and the Jeep are any indication, a civilian version of the flying asshole wagon will be sure to follow.

Let me go on record saying I don’t want this to happen. For the sake of our children. It may be unfair of me to assume that anyone who owns a hummer and doesn’t live in the Alps is an asshole, because I’ve never met anyone who drives one. It would be difficult for me to meet any Hummer owners because I don’t hang out in places that assholes hang out. And generally, the only time I ever see them in public, they’re straddling two parking spaces. So let’s assume the stereotype is fairly accurate.

I guess there would be positives to flying Hummers being commercially available, like the fact that shit that flies usually crashes pretty hard. If I was an NBA player or a desperate housewife, I’m sure I could find a ton of positives to an airborne turd-mobile, but with me not being either of those things, the thought of it terrifies me. For the most part, non-commercial airspace is reserved for people with money, like doctors and rich old guys who fly Cessnas instead of getting erections without the aid of medication. But, overall it’s an awful idea. I just don’t want my kids to live in a world where fake-tanned, tapout t-shirt wearers rule the world because they can drop cans of red bull on people who disagree with them.

2 Responses to "The Future of Douchebag Transportation"

  1. DonkeyXote says:

    Kinda of counter-productive to turn into a plane what was intended in the first place to be an all-terrain vehicle. It’d be like offering lube in rape.

    Silly fucks!