A New Holy Taco! A massive debate! Fire! Robots! Aliens! Pie! YAY!!!
Speakers: REP. RON PAUL, R-TEXAS
GOV. RICK PERRY, R-TEXAS
FORMER SEN. RICK SANTORUM, R-PA.
FORMER REP. NEWT GINGRICH, R-GA.
FORMER GOV. MITT ROMNEY, R-MASS.
FORMER GOV. JON HUNTSMAN JR., R-UTAH
Moderators: HT Staff
Announcer: Live from the Holy Taco editorial offices in Beverly Hills, Califonia, two blocks west of the most reasonably priced transsexual prostitutes this side of San Diego, the New HT Design Republican Debate.
HT Staff: Welcome everyone. Rumors of a new HT have been swirling for literally minutes. This great website, a staple of American comedy, was established in 1856 by the descendants of some guys who lived down the street from the White House back when it was just a chicken place. Holy Taco served two tours in the Indonesia Comedy Skirmishes of 1987 and 1989 and is responsible for comedy icons such as Lou Bega, Justin Halpern, Henny Goodman and Jim J Bullock. And now, it is changing format. How will the public respond? Will the streets run red with bloody stool? Stool born from panic shits? Panic shits caused by panic at the new Holy Taco? And if so, how will our candidates respond? With a pooper scooper of justice and American know how? Or with desperate, girly pleas for mercy?
We begin our day with Ron Paul. Mr Paul, you have expressed clear and definite Libertarian beliefs in the past, but you’re also responsible for a newsletter that’s unintentionally ten times more hilarious than anything on the old Holy Taco. Can these racist, xenophobic, crazy rants compete with a potential new Taco?
Ron Paul: Now, I have addressed the newsletter in the past. These are old newsletters from 20 years ago, not written by me, not condoned by me, this is a non-issue.
HT: But if it was an issue, would they be funnier than Holy Taco?
RP: If they were an issue? No. Out of context, in small bites, yes, the hilariously offensive newsletter is hilarious. But Holy Taco once wrote an article about bum sex and Chilis. Imagine that in a new format. That’s funny.
HT: Too true, Ron, that is one awful newsletter. Racism isn’t funny, unless it’s Carlos Mencia doing it. What’s that? I’m being told from the control room that no, Carlos Mencia is not funny.
John Huntsman: I’d like to express my disdain for Carlos Mencia also.
HT: John, you’re here as a courtesy. Look pretty and keep it down.
JH: Yes sir!
HT: Mitt Romney, you’ve been placed in hot water lately for the fact the truth is as foreign to you as Clay Aiken is to Rick Santorum. As a truth bender, what are your feelings on a sleek, new HT design?
Mitt Romney: That was a terrible segue and arguably didn’t make any sense whatsoever.
HT: Didn’t it, Mittens?
MR: I have requested not to be referred to by that name.
HT: And I have requested your haircut at the barber but they keep telling me the time machine is broken
MR: Zing. Point to you, good sir.
HT: Too kind, Mr. Romney, too kind.
MR: Frankly, I’d like to hear what Newt Gingrich has to say at this point.
John Huntsman: Me too!
HT: Huntsman! You’re on a timeout! Newtron, you’re up.
Newt Gingrich: My name is actually Newton.
NG: Good one.
HT: Thanks, we posted that on Twitter like a week ago.
Rick Santorum: If I may interject, as I feel this is getting very gay, and I can’t abide that – I feel that, while a new Holy Taco is a great thing for the American people, I can’t help but think this entire debate is a poorly constructed farce meant to poke weak and obvious jabs at Republican candidates in the laziest way possible. This isn’t even a debate.
HT: Isn’t it?
RS: No. Not at all.
HT: Neither is your mother.
Rick Perry: Oh shit, son!
(At this point Rick Perry went up for a high five but was left hanging by the entire panel except John Hunstman, who was at the far end of the panel and could not commit to it)
Newt Gingrich: Did he just swear at Rick Santorum? Don’t you swear at him! Don’t you use that saucy mouth on Ricky!
Ron Paul: I didn’t even know we could swear at debates. Cock munchers.
HT: Point to Ron Paul!
Mitt Romney: I also munch….I also shit!
Rick Perry: Also, this is bullshit. Is the site new or, when this article gets published, is it still going to be the old site?
HT: It will be the old site, probably. I guess it depends what time people are reading this. There’s definitely a chance this article will be live for hours and make no sense to anyone reading it.
HT: Yeah. Should we just end this here and hope that people enjoy the new site when it goes live?
John Huntsman: Shit yeah!