Not so long ago, we contacted the good people at Gota’Go and asked if we could have their personal care device to try out for a spell. What qualifies as a personal care device? This thing!
It’s basically like an athletic cup only you can pee in it and the pee goes into that bag on the side there. You strap it to your leg or, if you’re adventurous, just carry it around. It’s designed for men (sorry ladies, go find a shrub) who, for various reasons, have limited access to bathrooms. Cops on a stakeout, truck drivers, people hunting human prey, whatever. But the real question is, does it work? And can we get editor Jim Tews to wear one around town?
The answer to the second question is yes. Here’s Jim, perfectly ready to wet himself.
Was the hat necessary? No, but if you’re in a store, wearing a urine catching device, you might as well dress up.
If a man with a high intensity, time sensitive job could manage using the Gota’Go, then it seemed like a stand up comedian could manage it as well. The prospect was simple; just go about your daily business, except with a bag of pee on your leg. Would it upset Jim’s daily routine in any way? Probably. On with the inappropriate experiment!
To start with, we sent Jim out to the most uncomfortable place we could think of that already reeked of urine. No, not the old folks home (holla grandma, how are those bed sores?), the subway! Nothing is more conducive to wanting to stand next to a total stranger and loose your bladder than the subway.
Jim described the feeling as uncomfortable – not the urge to pee, he couldn’t go despite having had three coffees and a delicious Fresca, but the fact that he had his dangle inserted into a plastic holster and was expected, by his employer, to simply stand shoulder to shoulder with potential molesters and urinate. In a fun and ironic twist, this made Jim even more disgusting than them.
Next, Jim went off to the park with some friends (people who work here and were paid to humor him). A fun time was had by all!
It was here Jim first heard the call of the wild and managed to loose the backup Red Bull we made him drink when the subway experiment failed, in full view of two interns, an editor and a guy who brings us sandwiches sometimes. Plus there was a couple with a young child nearby. Jim’s basically a sex offender at this point. No one here wants to share an office with him any more.
Jim panicked briefly as a result of a momentary fear that a monkey in the wrench was leading to a leak down his thigh. We made eye contact for a moment and I felt my soul wither. Never make eye contact with a man while he urinates. That was as true when Jesus said it as it is today.
The leak turned out to be a false alarm brought on by the curious sensation of hot urine pooling in a thigh bag. For a similar sensation, pee in a Ziploc bag and then cuddle with it in the nude a moment. Weird, right?
We all stood around in silence a moment realizing Jim was either in the midst of or just basking in the afterglow of urination. It’s likely best to not let those around you know you’re using this device. We tried to ponder things that made us feel more uncomfortable without the benefit of unwanted physical contact and the best we could come up with was seeing a hobo pick his own ass while he looks at you.
Jim headed back to base camp to refuel as he felt he could probably give the bag another go before he needed to empty it. We all felt that this was disgusting but valid.
Hey, is that a calculator watch Jim is wearing? And some Pabst he’s drinking? And we’re to believe you don’t normally wet yourself in public? Something here just doesn’t add up. Let’s check the math on the calculator watch just in case, though.
Since the Gota’Go is really for men at work, we figured we’d try to get Jim to do something. There’s a construction site down the street, why not go there?
A day and a shave later, Jim headed off under ominous skies to the future home of some shitty mall and attempted to rivet some girders. The Three Stooges did it and so did Tom and Jerry, so there’s comedy precedent. Unfortunately, it turns out they lock these places on the weekend when no one’s there. What’s that bullshit?
In lieu of construction work, we had Jim attempt to lift a rock while pissing. The skies had opened up and fate was pissing on us all as we found some heavy refuse for our man to put his back into but the squatting action somewhat dislodged the Gota’Go which he had adjusted to fit a little more loosely. The upside, of course, was that he still got soaked and we could arguably tell others it was urine. Look how happy Jim is to be covered in piss, we could say.
After testing the Gota’Go out for two days, Jim managed to eschew using toilets at all and consumed his weight in coffee and energy drinks. The results were a fancy free gentleman who not only made everyone in the office uncomfortable, but he managed to avoid awkward urinal banter and probably saved upwards of a half hour that he was able to put towards more fruitful pursuits, like being a monkey for this article.
Bottom Line: The Gota’Go will collect your pee pretty much anywhere. Under the right circumstances that can be either awesome or terrifying. Or both.