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Christian Grey From ’50 Shades of Grey’ Has Been Revealed, And Man Is He Boring

Remember when you heard they were taking 50 Shades of Grey, perhaps the worst book ever successfully sold as anything other than pure swill, and turning it into a movie? Remember all the hypnotic therapy you underwent so you would forget that people were getting paid to follow through on such a terrible idea?

Well, it was all a waste of money. The movie’s coming. And we have pictures now! The latest one is a reveal of what Christian Grey, the angry manipulative psychopath who gets away with everything because he’s a dreamy billionaire, actually looks like. And shock of shocks, he’s as boring as the dialogue they’re forcing the actor, Jamie Dornan, to spew.

“I’d really like to claim your azzzzzzzzzzzzz”

So that’s the look you go with, huh? A bland brunette with a conservative haircut and the same face as just about every other dashing character on the planet? What, were the other 15 billion movies starring bland brunettes not enough for the popcorn-munching crowd? I suppose the imagination of the typical 50 Shades fan is dead enough that this actually is their dream dude, but I’m still disappointed. Hollywood redundancy strikes again.

The makers of this stupid movie could’ve taken a risk with who they cast as Grey and how they made him up. They know the book and its reputation, so they have to know that no matter what they do, the movie will get panned mercilessly. In cases like that, a true creative type would just say “fuck it” and go crazy. Change his hair, race, personality, route of financial success (meet Christian Grey, World’s Oldest Lemonade Stand Guy!), whatever — just have some fun with it. It’s not like this would be the first time a studio threw somebody else’s story into the Juicer until it looked like a completely different bit of pulp.

“It’s based on a true story, by which I mean a guy existed and did a thing one time. We can fudge around that.”

What’s even more depressing is that technically, they did that with Grey, and still made him duller than C-Span. The character, as written by his barely-literate author, is a ginger. There is literally no other way to interpret “dark copper hair.” The man isn’t fifty shades darker than Alfred E Newman — more like one or two. Unfortunately, the majority perception of ginger men to this day is not “smoldering sex god,” but rather “Ronald McDonald.” Many readers openly admit they headcanon Grey as not-a-ginger because doing so makes them wetter. Apparently, the movie’s screenwriter felt the same way.

So despite being incredibly wrong about this (trust me on this one, ladies), Christian Grey has become a boring brunette, just like so many others. Somebody with creative vision, or a sense of basic fun and adventure, could’ve turned this dumbass character into the most unique snowflake on the planet. Instead, they chose to make him a big pile of everyday dirt. Triple crap.

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