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The Heroic Deeds of 6 Real World Batmen

Thanks to Christian Bale and Christopher Nolan, everyone loves Batman again after the near irreparable damage caused by George Clooney and Joel Schumacher. He’s like the Superman of heroes and everyone digs him, but with all the crime-fighting and getting Maggie Gyllenhaal mixed up with Katie Holmes and trying to wrap your head around why the government hasn’t shut down Arkham Asylum, what exactly does Batman do all day? Turns out he pops up all over the place doing all kinds of crap. Let’s look!

Pedo Catching

Back in November, you may have come across the “To Troll a Predator” videos online, which became very popular for a spell. The basic idea was that some teenagers in Vancouver had decided it would be funny to troll pedophiles online by pretending to be underage girls and arranging meetings. They showed up in public places and a guy dressed like Batman would confront the would-be pedophile. It was charming in its way, and very Batmanish, especially with the Christian Bale voice that Batman was doing. He wasn’t the pedo troll we wanted, but he was the pedo troll we needed.

Turns out though that real police don’t take much of a shine to Batman solving crimes on Youtube and they shut this little vigilante operation right the hell down after about four videos. Hopefully those four pedophiles got trolled again in lockup, however.

Hanging out

Batman is all about gadgets, and being like…bat-like. So it’s totally reasonable that one day, in Michigan, Batman decided to hang off the side of a building with some pepper, a baton and lead lined gloves. Hey, wanna X-ray Batman’s hands? Not today, asshole.
Like our pedo trolls, it seems this Batman ran afoul of law enforcement who are all “not in my house” when it comes to superheroism and so they arrested him while he was hanging off the side of his building for trespassing and carrying dangerous weapons. Sounds like this Batman was a total Clooney.

Getting his Ass Kicked


Aiming for Bale but falling somewhere short of Adam West, I kid you not, this Batman seriously grabs his cod-piece at some point and says “you better suck my m*therf*cking d*ck” to some dude on the street. That’s hard talk, man. That’s the kind of stuff you say when you can Batarang someone’s ass into next week and you want him to feel bad before you do it. But that all falls apart if you follow it up with 30 seconds of slap fighting before the dude you’re trash talking literally picks you up and suplexes you on the ground. Who knows, maybe Batman likes to get his ass kicked some times so he can build up calluses.

Protesting

Across the pond, Batman is about justice for father’s rights as well. While in America he may just bash some heads into walls, in the UK he climbs up on a highway gantry and just sits there for a day while officials calmly redirect traffic so that, if he falls, his guts don’t get stuck in your windshield wipers.
Batman’s protest consisted of sitting there for seven hours before coming down just before rush hour and getting arrested. We like to think they all had tea and maybe Batman politely broke some chav thug’s arm, but the media over there didn’t go into details like that. Jolly good.

Shutting Down Schools

This is likely the best Batman story you’ll come across until the Dark Knight Rises, so hold onto this and don’t let go. Here are the facts, as we know them. Forgive the haziness, but we’re dealing with Batman here, so shit’s bound to be mysterious.
1. Three schools had to be closed. Closed right down. Locked down.
2. Batman was seen, by one kid, running across campus, hopping a fence and disappearing into the desert.
3. After a police search, Batman was not found.
4. In this town, they will shut down 3 entire schools if one kid at one school claims to see Batman, even though no one else saw him, nor can police find evidence of his existence.

Begging

Batphiles amongst you may be aware that Batman’s alterego, Bruce Wayne,is as rich as Jesus and twice as swarthy. Wayne is the head of Wayne Enterprises, a company that apparently makes everything and is one of the only multi-billionaire dollar corporations in the world arrogantly named after its founder. Given this, it seems unusual that Batman should be out begging but riddle me this – does anyone get rich by building dozens upon dozens of Bat Gadgets with their own money? Hells no. Batman ain’t no dummy, he’s taking your money to fund his efforts to destroy the Penguin.
Sadly, as Batman was gathering funds for his new Batmobile, police swooped in like so many Two Faces and snatched him up and gave a stern talking to to the Hulk, Spiderman and Superman lest they have the same idea.

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