It’s December and that means you need to buy shit. Have you bought shit yet? You better buy shit. Unless you’re not Christian in which case as you were. But know that Jesus is super disappointed in you. Anyway, for those of us who are engaging in the consumer season, know that average, everyday gifts make your family and friends resent you. Are you going to buy someone another chocolate orange this year? Or a digital camera? Digital cameras are so common place you can find hobos using them as pillows and as buttplugs. They call them Pluggos and just pop them out of their asses at nap time. It’s gross.
If you want a real gift, follow our gift guide. We’re here to help
Time was a Zippo lighter was the coolest thing you could own next to the cigarettes you were lighting with it. Then cigarettes caused cancer, people stopped drag racing in their classic cars and the 70s happened. Life’s gone downhill since then. But Zippo is still around and they make more than just lighters.
Full disclosure for this guide and every guide you’ll read this year, Zippo sent me some loot so I could review it for this guide and I’m going to be honest in a biased way, it was cool shit. If you want actual, non-hilarious or non-offensive gifts that people will actually enjoy, check out the Zippo site. I snagged a very cool watch and, no joke, Zippo cologne.
Generally speaking I’m not a cologne guy, I like to let my natural musk do my talking for me, but this stuff passed the lady test, which is to say I tried it on and a real, honest to God girl made that kind of growly hungry sound. She didn’t do me but I like to think I could have gotten a hug if I tried. If you have a lady in your life who is actually attracted to you, she may touch your special places if you us this. Maybe.
I was a fan of the watch especially since my last watch died 2 years ago and I never bothered to replace it until now. It keeps time nicely and it looks all manly and cool. Check ‘em out. Also worth noting is the steel RF security wallet which may or may not be ale to take a bullet but certainly looks manlier than most other wallets and there’s also about 1,001 lighters as well.
I know what you’re thinking – “Ian, can I see nude photos of you?” and the answer of course is that it’s not Christmas just yet, so please wait. But also, this may not seem like an ideal gift but you need to follow me on this. For starters, it’s balls. It’s fake balls for a pet and that is inherently funny. But why give them to a person? Because for every time you wished someone you knew would grow a pair, the pair already exist. They’re here in several sizes. You will never find a more poignant metaphorical gift in your entire life that is also hilarious and offputting at the same time. And if anyone knows hilarious and offputting it’s me. It says that on my business cards. I had them reprinted.
Did the Neutical people pay me for this endorsement? No. I keep asking for free nuts and they keep ignoring my pleas. Well, I don’t care. A funny gift is a funny gift.
Few websites have devoted more words on the page to Fleshlights than mine and dammit, I’m keeping up that tradition. I don’t have anything new from Fleshlight to write about, and that includes no new traumas, but I still feel the need to give them a nod for the ultimate adult gift. It really is.
First, don’t fall for a stigma that it’s for lonely dudes jerking off. I’m not lonely! And if you’re part of a couple or are on dick mitten-giving terms with another couple, you really need to consider a Fleshlight. Ladies, you haven’t lived until you’ve abused a fellow with a disembodied orifice. I don’t say that from my own observation but from the commentary of others who may have benefited from my excess of excess. It’s fun. That may sound stupid but it is. Consider how often you laugh in the bedroom and then consider that if you’ve never laughed during sex, you suck at sex. I’m sorry but that’s true. It means you’re not having fun. If you think you’re awesome at boning and you’ve never made a partner laugh, I just sexually owned you. How’s that feel? Hope it feels bad. But good bad. Because that’s how I like it. Like dirty and shameful but in a way that you crave, know what I mean? Yeah, you don’t need to admit it but I know you know.
You can be the Captain of the good ship Boner but if no one is laughing you’re still a league behind the rest of us and if you bust out a Fleshlight, you’re going to find some cause to crack up. So do it! Go buy one. And Fleshlight guys, I’m not saying you need to send me more but, you know, you have my address.
If I make a gift guide every year of my life until the end of it, I’ll include booze every time. Am I an alcoholic? Not remotely. But I do enjoy a snifter f port at Christmas time. And let’s be honest, if you’re a rational, controlled adult who understands their limits, alcohol is fantastic. So don’t buy booze for an asshole drunk driver or your buddy who gets drunk and then cries while he shits the bed. Buy it for your hot friend who maybe says dirty stuff when she’s had too much, or grandma who becomes immediately hilarious with a pint or two in her.
This year we were nice enough to be gifted with some Dickel Rye Whiskey which I sent to our old friend Luis Prada who can drink an entire punch bowl of beer without having to urinate. It’s amazing. This is the entire email Luis me as a review of the rye.
If this appeals to you, have a drink!
You may notice that every year websites will put together a list of awful gifts and inevitably it will includes socks, ties and gift cards. The thinking behind that is that a gift card is lazy and you’re saying “I can’t be bothered to put any thought into your gift so here, buy your own but only at this one store.” And that’s exactly why it’s a great gift.
How many times have you opened a present from family or friends, people who have known you for ages, and as much as you love them and as well as they know you, they give you a box full of unmeasureable suck. You’re not being ungrateful thinking that, you still love them and all, it’s just like the momentarily thought you were a total asshole and bought you a gift only a shitfaced twat waffle would enjoy. It’s happened to everyone. You probably did it to them last year. A gift card says “I understand I know nothing but I want you to be happy. Please go enjoy yourself on me.” That’s a beautiful thing, to admit your own shortcomings but still wish the best for someone else. Buy a gift card today, you inept gift giver you.