The Inner Monologue of Carrot Top While He’s Performing

Alright, good looking crowd tonight, I like that.  Ph’nglui mglw’nafh cthulhu r’lyeh wgah’nagl fhtagn! In his house at R’lyeh, dead Cthulhu waits dreaming!

Think I’ll start everyone off with a classic here.  People love the classics.  Little bit of the slipper with a bumper on it so you don’t stub your toe!  Oh God that’s funny.  That is not dead which can eternal lie, and with strange aeons even death may die!

What else we got here?  Oh, the Redneck Rake. It has teeth missing!  The crowd loved that one!  Yog-Sothoth knows the gate. Yog-Sothoth is the gate. Yog-Sothoth is the key and guardian of the gate. Past, present, future, all are one in Yog-Sothoth. He knows where the Old Ones broke through of old, and where They shall break through again!

What else we got here?  Oh, a peep hole for blind people and look, here’s –THE SLIME-DRENCHED HALLS OF THE GRAND NECROPOLIS WILL HOUSE THE THOUSAND THOUSAND DAMNED SOULS OF THE DEVOUT! THE DEVOURING MAGGOTS OF THE DREAD DEAD GOD’S VANGUARD WILL GORGE ON THE FLESH OF NATIONS AS HIS LOATHSOME SHAPE CASTS ITS NIGHTMARE SHADOW ACROSS ALL ETERNITY!

I AM BUT A VESSEL FOR HIS ILL WILL AND TORMENT! BEHOLD THE TAMPON SHOOTING PURSE I MADE FOR LADIES AT THE BAR!

Alright, cool, looks like they dug that one, this show is going great.  Time to bust out the debit card reader homeless guy sign.  Ha ha ha!  Because no one carries money.  ALL THAT IS CARRIED IS THE SQUALID FILTH OF A SUN BLACKENED AGE WHEN FESTERING ROT SHALL SPOIL THE VERY EARTH AS THE ENDLESS NIGHTMARE SEEPS TO ALL CORNERS AND ENTANGLES EVERY SOUL IN ITS DISMAL GRASP!  WHEN THE GREAT VAULTS OPEN AND THE NIGHTMARE GOD AND HIS HORDES ARE BORN FROM DEATH ONCE MORE THE STARS WILL TREMBLE IN TERROR AND PANIC AS THE UNIVERSE BIRTHS A DESPICABLE NEW LEVEL OF DISEASED TERROR!

Let’s see how they like the Kirstie Alley buffet tray joke.  Oh yeah, that got a laugh.  Ahh.  It’s good to me be.