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The Inner Monologue of a Canadian Olympic Basketball Player During the Opening Ceremonies

Oh God.  Just…ungh.  How did we let this happen?  I knew I should have called in sick.  Or just smoked some weed or something, they would have disqualified me.  What the hell am I doing here?

This is OK though.  Opening ceremonies.  That’s not bad, everyone has a really nice National Anthem.  Australia’s was pretty fun.  I wish I had a poutine up in here.  Coach says no.  No poutine, no Molson, no sex.  Gotta stay focused, eyes on the prize.  Because maybe 2012 is the year Canada wins men’s basketball gold.  It could happen.  I don’t see the US team but maybe they were all burned in a fire this year.  And maybe so was Spain, Argentina, Lithuania, Italy, Australia and France.

Here comes Barbados.  Hi everyone.  Your island is lovely, I went there when I was a kid.  I wish I could go there now.  I seriously thought I was signing up for baseball when I joined the team.  Four years of practice later and I can hit the peach basket like once in ten tries.  And they don’t even use peach baskets here in England.

So stuffy in here, I can barely breathe.  Does every country have a national anthem, really?  Couldn’t we skip a few?  I think I need to sit or have some water.  Honestly, they could play the same national anthem for most Asian countries, couldn’t they?  Is Laos here?  I don’t even know where Laos is, just play some Black Eyed Peas.  Play We Are the World, we’ll all shake hands and I’ll go back to my room.  I think I need to use the toilet.  How do European toilets flush?  Do they have toilet paper here?  Oh God, no one explained nay of this.

Is Kobe Bryant in prison right now?  Maybe the US team was nice and just sent amateurs to play ball.  That’d be nice.  Maybe we’ll just have to play Tunisia in the opening round. I bet none of the Tunisian players have ever actually even played basketball before.  Does anyone know where Tunisia is?  It’s probably next to Laos.

Here comes Bhutan.  Their Olympic team is kind of small, eh?  Look at that.  Little Bhutanians.  That’s adorable.

Is that the Brazilian women’s volleyball team?  Oh sweet Jesus.  Maybe I should stay for a while.  Look at them, it’s like they can’t afford clothes.  I love the third world.  Wait, is Brazil Third World?  Can’t be second, that’s Communism.  First?  No, that’s just white people I think.  Oh God, was that racist?  I love everyone!  I swear!  Except basketball players.  I hate this sport, I really do.  Dunking?  Slam dunking?  How the hell do you jump that high?  Do you know how high that is?  It’s so high.  I can’t jump that high.

Oh, it’s our turn now.  A little O Canada to get the crowd pumped.  It’s like a fight song for medicated seniors, it’s soothing and mildly rousing.  It’s like a colonic.  I miss home.  I should have learned how to play curling, I never would have made the Olympic team, then.  Everyone in Canada curls.  Everyone.  It’s the law.

From far and wide, O Canada, we stand on guard for thee!

Yeah, this is good.  I’ll just march with the other Canadians and then maybe when I get to where we stand I’ll twist my own ankle.  How the hell can I play against LeBron James?  Look at his name – LeBron.  That’s such a basketball player’s name.  Four guys on our team are named Gord.  I think Gord II has a wooden leg.

Who’s next?  Cambodia?  Need to think, Gordo.  Need to think of a way out of this.  Steroids?  Some kind of hate crime? Wait. Wait!  Irresponsible sex.  Ha ha!  Yes!  That’s perfect, and very basketball of me!  I’ll have lots of irresponsible sex and disgrace my team and country!  Beautiful!

Ahh, this is going to be a damn fine Olympic games.

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