The Inner Monologue of an Unwanted Erection

Man, I’m tired.  Been sleeping all day.  What time is it?  One?  Is that am or…nope, pm.  One in the afternoon.  Looks like I’m at work, too.  Awesome, not like I have better places to be than trapped behind a wall of cotton-poly in a room full of fat guys and idiots.  What am I even doing here?  I don’t usually end up around here.

Whoa.  Something is definitely wrong.  The pressure keeps rising up in here and these pants aren’t doing a thing about it.  Did that guy just look at me?  DID A MAN JUST LOOK AT ME?  Oh shit.  Oh man, I took a wrong turn.  Why is this happening?  Think, Richard, think!

OK, so I woke up this morning and said hello and everything was cool.  I fiddled around a bit, had a leaky eye, puked in the toilet then everything went black; same old same old.  I shouldn’t be here now.  I should be napping till three when the delivery girl shows up with today’s packages.  Oh man…delivery girl.  I hope she’s wearing those tights again.  God, those are hot.  If those were any tighter, when she turned around you could see what she ate for breakfast.  Ha ha!  That’s a good one.  Dad used to say that.  Good times.  I love colo-rectal jokes, I really do.

But there’s no delivery girl here, there’s just Gary with the sweat stains and some guy with a perv stache who’s looking right at me.  Why am I still here?  I’m not supposed to be here!

Let me try to shift to the right here and…what the hell is that?  Keys?  Christ almighty, those are supposed to be in the jacket pocket. I can’t even fit over there and I’ve never been able to veer left.  Crap.  Crap!  He’s rubbing his perv stache now, isn’t he?  And licking his lips? HE’S THINKING ABOUT TASTING ME!  HELP!  HELP ME!

Calm down. Deep breaths, Richard, we’re going to get through this.  I just need to sleep again.  Sleep makes the monsters go away.  I jut need to lie down.  I can will myself to sleep.  I’m a tough guy, I’ve stood up to a lot – chafing, floods, teeth,  I can do anything.  I can make myself sleep.  Mind over matter.  I’m related to Criss Angel, I have powers.  Eerie powers.

Sweaty Gary smells like onions.  This is ridiculous, why am I here?  It’s like being in a sauna with grandma’s bean salad, I can’t make heads or tails of this, I never show up in places like this.  Well, once in highschool in the locker room but I had a fever and was medicated and I think I had something in my eye and thought I saw side boob, it wasn’t even my fault!

I need a mantra, like that hot yoga chick used to do.  What the hell did she used to say all the time?  Oh God, oh yes?  No, that’s not it. What was it?  Wrong hole?  No!  Too much blood, can’t think straight. I swear to God if Perv Stache “accidentally” brushes against me I will never wake up again.  Not ever.

I need a hand here.  Not literally, but I need something.  I need…AC!  The air conditioner!  Oh , sweet Jesus, yes.  A frosty cold draft always knocks me out, I hate the cold!  I love that I hate the cold, let’s go that way!  Left damn you!  Left!

Oh, this is it. It’s so cold here.  Hey Perv Stache, you can go right to hell, my man.  I dunno why I showed up here but it wasn’t for you, buddy.  You can go give Sweaty Gary a reach around in the mail room for all I care, I’m done.  I’m so cold, you don’t even know.  I can feel things tightening up already.  My eye is getting droopy.  Oh yeah, I’m loosening right up.  So relaxed.  So mellow.  Screw you guys.  Especially you Sweaty Gray.  But especially you Perv Stache.  Yeah.  Just going to have a nap.  Back at three.