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The Inner Monologue of The New York Jets’ Conditioning Coach As He Tripped A Miami Dolphins Corner Back

If I were out there I’d be kicking ass all over the place. Seriously, I would. I’d be getting the snap, running back in to the pocket, taking my time, looking for the right spot, and then I’d launch that ball out like an asteroid barreling toward earth. Who would I be throwing the ball to? Well, I wouldn’t be throwing it to any of them losers out there, can’t even beat the damn Dolphins. No; I’d toss that sucker 98 yards to me. I’d throw it, turn on my nitroboosters and run 98 yards to catch my own throw. I’d do that, like, 100 times a day. The final score would be astronomical.

Sal Alosi – 700, Miami Dolphins – 3

I’d let them get a field goal just so they don’t get discouraged and quit playing the game forever. I mean, if I did that to every team, every game, I’d have no one to make look like an ass-clown every week after 1 season. Where’s the fun in that?

Yeah, I’d totally do that…if I were playing.

And there’s a punt…

Hey, speaking of ass-clowns, there’s a Dolphin’s player running toward me. Man, what I would give to be able to do something about that…

…but who says I can’t?

Seriously. who says I can’t do something about this guy right now? Literally no one. Sure, there is probably some kind of rule against that sort of thing, but Sal Alosi cares not for rules. I’m a rebel. I’m the guy that once only tipped a waiter 5%, even though he was nice, the food was excellent, and everything went okay. I did it to show him the full breadth and width of my penis, and how much more it spectacular it is than his. That’s what Sal’s all about: being awesome and showing my awesome to everyone.

So, what if I just poked my knee out a bit? No one would notice. There’s too much going on out here, anyway. The third-string quarterback could give birth to a lizard and no one would notice. Who would notice my little knee poking out just a bit?

Yeah…I’ll just poke my knee out a little like so…yeah, that’s a good enough knee protrusion distance. I mean, yeah, my knee is pretty magnanimous, seeing as it’s attached to my body, which, as a whole, is one of the most glorious hunks of flesh and steel God has ever created – but I have yet to show the world how truly awesome I can be, so they wouldn’t recognize my knee…yet. Maybe they will after I prevent an alien invasion using only my knee cap and my wits, which I plan to do at some point, but now? Pfft! Now, these bitches don’t know shit about my glorious knee!

So I’ll just poke it out a bit like that…aaaand….

OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG!!!!

NO NO NO NO NO NO!

I tripped him. I tripped him!

Nooooooo! It’s cool. It’s cool. Just stay calm, Sal. This kind of pressure is why the universe crafted you out of the essence of coolness. Just stay calm and never mind the fact that the dude you just tripped is on the ground in pain. I’m just gonna keep my hands in my jacket and pretend I’m one of these mortals that’s affected by the cold weather.

Yep, nothing to see here, folks. I’m just a guy that rubs my hands all over the inner thighs of big, beefy dudes all day long.

Yeah. No one is going to notice. Absolutely no one. I’m so awesome.

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